bluemoon

Please help me quit for good

60 posts in this topic

Day 29..... To be honest, I would have hoped I would feel better than I do by now. The fatigue is killing me. And I'm so grumpy. And fat. I saw a lot of positive changes between one and two weeks sober, and haven't really seen much improvement in the last couple of weeks. I am by no means thinking about going back to Adderall, I just really thought I would feel better than I do at 29 days sober. Ugh. :(

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Hang in there. My experience was similar. The best way I can explain it is that it's similar to going to the gym to lose weight and get in shape. The first couple of weeks your super motivated and you feel good but you get to week 3 and you've only lost 2 pounds. You've worked hard and want to be much closer to your goal weight but you know in reality that a pound a week is considered a healthy rate of weightloss and that if you stick with it you will get to where you want to be.

The first noticeable improvement seems to come after the first few weeks because it takes about that long for the drug to get out of your system. So you've worked through the chemical dependence but the psychological dependence definitely takes more time to get through-at least thats how it worked for me. I don't remember if you mentioned how long you took adderall for. I think the the psychological dependence takes longer to work through the longer you were on it.

It's great to hear that you don't have any plans to start taking adderall again. Progress may seem slow but it is still happening. And don't push yourself in the beginning to do too much. If you have a day without anything of importance to do then take it easy. One of the things I remember struggling with for awhile was what I now know is referred to as anhedonia-finding little or no enjoyment in doing things that you used to like. I slept a lot because I had no interest in reading, looking up random stuff online, playing games on my phone, listening to music and especially any house chores. I was convinced that I'd feel that way forever but it didn't. There was one thing I did know for sure though-that I could find temporary, immediate relief if I took a few pills but it wouldn't stop there and eventually I'd be taking enormous amounts on a daily basis and would end up needing to quit again. There was no way I was going to redo that hellish first week of constant sleep or lose whatever progress I had made until that point and I'm glad because now I'm free. There were many times during my first year or so where I was pretty sure that the way I felt even on difficult days was the happiest I was ever going to be and even though it's far better than where i started, it's still not enough but you continue to grow and reflect on how you felt back then and you feel psyched about the fact that you've improved so much more since. So just keep on going :)

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Oh, and Kudos bluemoon on your ability to still work 45-50 hours a week. I really don't think I could have done it in the beginning. It's no wonder your exhausted. If you were like me, you probably lost so much sleep when you were on adderall so getting some extra sleep now until your energy levels begin to increase is fine in my opinion.

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IMSTAS you mentioned anhedonia as one of the withdrawal symptoms. At 50 days since quitting I am really feeling this currently. Nothing seems to really bring me any joy :(

What was the timeline like for you when it came to this going away?

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I'll be honest, it took quite awhile-several months. I quit around the same time of year as you and I'm not sure where you live but I think some of the blah-ness I felt was because I was riding out an entire New York winter. It took me about a year to feel like I was getting back to normal. Don't stress though cause it may be much quicker for you. based on what I've read about other people's initial withdrawal experience, it seemed that it took me much longer to even stay awake for more than 8 hours a day in the beginning. I also wasn't working at the time and I think that caused me a bit of extra depression. I was amazed to read that some people were getting through 50 hour work weeks so soon after quitting.

One thing I can tell you is you won't feel that absence of interest forever even if it feels like it. You've gotten through the hardest part so keep going. I don't know if I mentioned it yet but journaling about my progress seemed to help because it helped me realize that I was improving even when I thought I wasn't.

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Thanks for the response.

Before i quit I was a daily user for 15 years straight, so I think realistically this is something I'm going to be dealing with for a while.

Definitely above average compared to others i would expect...Even though i only took my prescribed dose, and never really abused the stuff.

Honestly though, i just graduated college this past week with my undergrad degree, and its shocking how little happiness/feeling of accomplishment I felt.

Something ive been working towards for years...

Very disheartening :(

i couldnt imagine a life of never feeling the reward of hard work...

strategies on how to deal with anhedonia are welcome from anyone here.

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The anhedonia is difficult - that lasted around 2 years for me (in varying degrees). It's frustrating and disheartening for sure, but you must have faith in the resilience of the brain. Main strategy for me was to keep busy and distract myself as much as possible so time would pass faster. Also, knowing that it's a normal part of quitting stimulants and that it will go away over time. It's not going to last forever but it is the price you pay for the years of drug use. Read up about Post acute withdrawal (paws). Going to NA or other meetings helps too. Talk to meth addicts - they are easier to find at meetings and experience all the same prolonged withdrawal symptoms, like anhedonia, lack of motivation and confidence, and fatigue.

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Thanks for all the replies guys. I've been struggling the last little bit. It's comforting to know that I'm not the only one who experiences anhedonia. I think that the other times I've attempted quitting in the past, I would get a month or two in and still be feeling exhaustion, anhedonia and depression... and I would think to myself "well, quitting obviously didn't make me feel any better", and I would relapse again, telling myself it must have not been the Adderall that was the problem. However, we all know the Adderall is the ROOT of the problem! This quit is different though. I have you guys to cheer me on. It's nice to have you guys and know that it's common to be exhausted all the time and to not find pleasure in anything. Other times I had quit, the addict in me would say "I don't know why I'm so tired all the time. I think I need to start taking Adderall again so I'm not so tired all the time." And then it would all start again........

I've been fighting this demon for three years. 34 days sober now though. The first few days were obviously hell, but the next couple of weeks after that I was super optimistic and excited about quitting. I was excited about getting better. But the last few weeks have been agonizing. Not fun at all. I was only prescribed 20mg XR once per day. On most days I would stick to that dose, but if I had something to do later in the evening, or if I really wanted to "get a lot done" that day, I would take an extra pill or two (or three). 

 

I didn't tell my boyfriend about the quit. So he probably just thinks I suddenly just got fat, lazy and grumpy for no reason. To be honest, I never even told him I was taking Adderall to begin with. I've kept it a secret from everyone really, except for one close friend that I spilled my heart out to about a month ago. She has been super supportive, so that's really nice. But anyway, I'm not sure that I want to drag my boyfriend through this quit with me. I don't really have any interest in being with anyone at this time. I feel like it just adds to the list of things I have to do... and I'm so miserable and I just don't have the energy. :(

 

It feels like there is a long road ahead and it's super disheartening to read that the anhedonia can last even up to two years. I can't even remember the last time I truly felt "happy".... 

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Maybe it would take some pressure off you bluemoon if you share what your going through with your boyfriend. I too didn't want to feel that sense of obligation to pretend nothing was wrong. I told the people close to me but spared them the details of how badly I abused it or the lengths I went to and the money I spent to get it. Just telling them I had been taking it as prescribed and that I want to stop because I don't like how it's affected me was a huge load off my shoulders. And when I told people they said-oh, that is what's been wrong with you these past 5 years. They were relieved to learn that there was an explanation for my behavior before and after quitting. Just a suggestion.

As far as the long term anhedonia, it does begin to ease up so the next year or two won't suck every day but you will continue to see improvement throughout that time. For adderallics anonymous, I don't think your 15 years of use will make your recovery harder. I took a daily dose of 300-400 mg for years and I thought it was going to make it much harder to bounce back but it seems like everyone's experience on here is similar regardless of time used or amount used.

One thing I have to say to you guys who are still in the first few months of recovery is that it's a great sign that you make the effort to keep up with discussions on this forum. Putting together a cohesive sentence in the beginning for me required a level of effort that I just couldn't muster up.

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You all are doing so good. Hang in there. I'm about 4 months clean and its a long process but its worth it. Just keep going and staying connected to this site which reminds you why you quit.

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Thanks IMSTAS and Firefly. 

And congrats on 4 months Firefly! Are you starting to notice some bigger changes at four months?? Day 38 here and I wish I could say that every day is getting easier, but I feel like my progress has flatlined for a while now. I just want to sleep forever and I don't care about anything. Constant body aches and extreme fatigue. I'm sure it doesn't help that I'm living very far north for work (Northern Canada, near Alaska) and my friends and family are thousands of miles away. Winter hits pretty hard here. It's painfully cold, it's dark when I get to work in the morning and it's dark again by 3 or 4pm usually. I'm sure that adds to the fatigue. I did struggle with depression before I ever even took Adderall, so it's hard to know whether the way I feel is from the quit itself or just generalized depression. I'm thinking it's most likely a bit of both. Luckily, I have this week off for the holidays. So I'm allowed to be a lazy bum for a bit.

 

Hope everyone's holidays are lovely! :) 

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Dealing with a harsh winter will definitely weigh you down. I feel like New York winters are endless so I can't imagine riding out a winter in northern Canada! Bluemoon-I too have dealt with depression before adderal completely took me down. Once I quit my doc put me on Wellbutrin. It doesn't always work the same for everyone but it did seem to help me a bit with my level of energy. I know other people didn't react well to it so you'd have to talk to your doc but I figured I'd make the suggestion.

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Well. Finally told my boyfriend this morning about my addiction and the quit. He said he kind of figured I had a problem with pills or something. I wonder how many other people in my life knew and just didn't say anything  :mellow:

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That is AWESOME!!!!   You go girl!!  Are you feeling better now that you told him?

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After I quit and told some friends, they all said they thought I was either on drugs or bipolar. I wasn't a hardcore abuser either, just a daily user. Trust me, people know.

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Question: Is it normal to feel nauseous all the time?? Or is this unrelated to the Adderall withdrawal??

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I remember the old me before adderall. I was more successful, I truly believe I had more drive, and was always very good at my job. I was a better husband, a better father, even though my kids are out of school now. I didn't worry and procrastinate like I do now after a 3 year adderall addiction. I try to blame my addiction for the bad karma of the last 3 years. In December of 2013 I was struck in the head by an electric motor in my own shop at home on the farm. And seems like it all spiraled south after that. I lost nearly 6 months to amnisha not remembering things ext. I had just left a very good job to pursue my own business but because of head injury I made very bad choices one of those being starting adderall. I thought having adderall was going to make up for my lost time and success, let's just say that was a serious understatement. It was great at first i would pop a pill and would have all the drive and energy in the world pretty soon I was popping 2,3,4,& sometimes 5 20mg pills a day. I think in my mind I was getting shit done but in reality I began to get worse and worse. I would spend hours on meaningless things because it had to be perfect, and neglecting things that were most important. I would run out of my script early every month and be lazy and worthless for several days without adderall. It became a visus cycle. The following year on the same day and month as my head injury my shop that I spent hours the previous year redoing burnt to the ground and I lost many things that meant a lot to me and my son. As any addict would now this made the addiction worse. I was trying to do anything I could to hide my pain and anger I guess. I began regularly taking 80 to 120mg a day. And when I would run out early. I started using Vicodin to fill the void. I am still using today but not as heavily. But I have noticed many side effects that have come with my abuse. I forget simple things all the time now, I believe I have way less energy than I ever did before I started and have more trouble concentrating than I ever did before adderall. I really wanna quit for good, no tapper just cold turkey. I can go a whole week sometimes 2 without because I ran out before my next script why can't I just quit. I can clearly see now that it has done me by far more harm than good. I'm just trying to get over that hump of quitting it completely.

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You can't quit for good because a new prescription is always waiting for you at the end of your withdrawal.  Cut off your supply...tell your doctor.  Don't give yourself an option of going back to it.  Then, you will quit. 

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You can't quit for good because a new prescription is always waiting for you at the end of your withdrawal.  Cut off your supply...tell your doctor.  Don't give yourself an option of going back to it.  Then, you will quit. 

 

You hit the nail on the head with that one, AlwaysAwesome  ;)

 

Mr. Kirk, I wrote you a response on the "My story" thread where you also posted. But AlwaysAwesome is right.... you need to cut off your supply if you are serious about quitting. It's time. You can do this! 

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Totally. Until you come clean to your doctor, your leaving yourself an open door to return to. Also, the first week or two of quitting is the hardest part-for me anyway. Your subjecting yourself to that initial intense withdrawal over and over again. Based on your post, you've gone through some crazy stuff and yet you've come out on the other side. Let adderall become something of the past so one day you can look back on this whole experience as another tough time that you've conquered and lived to talk about!

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