Traceme

Non User Needs User (or past user) Advice

21 posts in this topic

Quitters are my hero's.  Even if you haven't quit this crap yet you are my hero for trying.  You are my hero if you think you want/need to try quitting and you come here to read stories and find hope. If our common ground is nothing more than a shared hope for a better life-let us build from there.

 

Straight to the point-key facts to know.

 

1. I love an addict (alcohol, adderall, gaba, suboxone) -We have been together almost 5 years.

 

2. My love quit drinking three years ago

 

3. Rx 90 -20 mg instant-they never last the month

 

4. Lives with twin who is identical in every way-Rx are the same

 

5. Simple math-180 20 mg instant-they usually don't last more than 20 days. 

 

6.  My love has been on adderall since Feb 2013

 

 

Since that February he has lost so much weight he's almost unrecognizable.  He lost his job and didn't work for a year.  During that time he's accused me of being unfaithful (I have not been) with more than 15 different guys-some I know-some I don't-some are even his family members.  He has accused everyone of plotting against him-family trying to poison their food (his twin believes this as well) Drones flying over head and spying on them-police following them (which they think their families or I initiated) Thinks he's spiritual so he is untouchable (invincible) God complex-entitled attitude-I can steal this because they need it less than I need it-anything from any item at Wal-mart to anything their family might have that they "need."  Telling me he will be here only to mock me when he never shows....

 

Okay-you can take all that and times it by 1000 because that is just scratching the surface.  As an alcoholic he was more honest, although not completely-he never completed the steps and he "thinks" he is in recovery because he no longer drinks-so drinks have obviously been replaced with something else.  He shows no emotion if I am upset or begging him to follow through with his word like dinner, sleeping over etc.  

 

I need some insight here. I can take it.  

 

Will he ever see the destruction he has done and continues?

 

Does he really think his delusions are real?

 

Does or will he ever feel remorse? (Not that I need or want this but he seems so robotic that I would love for this emotion to return)

 

Do relationships ever recover? 

 

 

Once in a great while I get a glimpse of his heart-and it keeps me emotionally stupid until another incident occurs and I'm back to the lab in my brain trying to figure out something that I will never truly understand because I am not an addict.  

 

I hang on because sometimes I feel as though he's ready to quit-after the 10 days of hellish withdrawal and  him forcing himself to go to his crappy job.  But then the doctors write another script because my love is a champ at pulling himself together long enough to fool the doc into thinking everything couldn't be better.

 

Please speak from your experience.  No two people are the same however with this particular drug, stories seem to mirror one another in some way.

 

I have the utmost respect for everyone on here and I wholeheartedly  appreciate any insight.  

 

Peace.  Praying for peace.

 

 

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Unfortunately, you can't rationalize irrational behavior.  I wish I had some good news for you, but until he quits the substances he will continue to be broken.  Only he can quit.  A lot of people justify Adderall because it is prescribed.  I know I did.  Abusing the prescription should be a warning sign to him, but he is not living in reality.  How do subox and Adderall mix?  I am not sure it is a great idea to combine Adderall with anything. 

 

I was horrible to my family, but I had to quit for me.  I am fortunate that my husband hung around, but if he was just a boyfriend I don't know if he would have. 

 

Read the posts here and there are some great articles for non addicts who love addicts.  Good luck and remember that your well being is important too.  Don't let him destroy you. 

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Thank you AlwaysAwesome. You have been as inspiration since my first visit here.  I appreciate your kind words.

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When you say you were horrible to your family, did you know it at the time? Was that something you came to realize once you quit? 

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I did notice it after the fact, but it didn't stop it from happening over and over again.  Adderall made me not care how I treated people.  "The house is super spotless, and they are fed and taken care of.  They should be grateful and not demand so much from me!"   I really convinced myself that they were the ones being unreasonable.  I felt that I deserved to be angry and they deserved to take the brunt of it.   So sad and so much time wasted... 

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I am sorry that you went through that.  I can only imagine how hard that is to think about now.  I SO appreciate the insight to the thought process you had.  What you described in that short explanation describes the last two years and our day to day interactions.  I know right now its nothing he could describe to me. Not yet. Always hopeful.

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Does or will he ever feel remorse? (Not that I need or want this but he seems so robotic that I would love for this emotion to return)

 

If he stops, he absolutely will.  And honestly from the situation you describe it will come back in a blast that can be so painful to him I cannot describe.  It will be unbearable agony.

To say that seeing yourself for the disaster you've become hurts fiercely, is an understatement.

 

 

 

But then the doctors write another script because my love is a champ at pulling himself together long enough to fool the doc into thinking everything couldn't be better.

 

Oh GOD do I ever know what you mean.  I would blast through my monthly supply in a few days (yes a few days you read that correctly). I would crash so hard I would be in a fog for a week.

 

This worked out so I had several weeks to recover until I met up with my buddy who supplied me.  I would put on a fake show to seem like i had it together to avoid having him get suspicious of what was really going on.  It's something we naturally get good at.  The fear of losing your supply is a powerful motivator.

My style of use was similar to your partners so I can offer this:

 

 

I hang on because sometimes I feel as though he's ready to quit-after the 10 days of hellish withdrawal and  him forcing himself to go to his crappy job.

 

Every time I would go through this I would convince myself I would never do it again.  And I would truly be convinced (this has literally gone on for almost 4 years, minus about a year total when I managed to get clean for small chunks of time).

 

I'm speaking for myself only (but i bet there are similarities) but let me try to take you into the mind of a binge-user:

 

 

The following stages are what I cycled through month after month after month.

1)  be high as a kite for a while, avoid contact with everyone while being tweaked out like a methhead (at those high of doses, it practically is like being on meth)  this can last for days depending on how advanced the usage has gotten and how much adderall is available

 

2)  crash brutally hard for about 16 hours.  during this time you brain barely works.  in a weeks time this will just feel like a blur in your memory.  don't really feel guilty for anything because you can barely think about it

 

3)  next 72 hours (after maybe at least one good nights sleep) you start to feel a little better, convince yourself you are recovering nd wont do it so bad every again, actually hell, maybe you'll quit.  but oh well worry about that later.  too tired to think much right now.  order pizza and watch netflix and hide form the world as much as possible and drag your ass to work if you absolutely have to but put in the bare minimum and be extremely irritable to everyone

4) after that, heart rate is returning to normal, feeling tired and unmotivated, but not so miserable.  cravings haven't started hitting you yet, you can think a little more clearly.  but just can't seem to focus on anything

 

5) about about 2 weeks of non using, you are just on a countdown until refill day, and it's all you can think about.  you'll sit and fantasize about how much smarter you're going to be.  only one per day, maybe two.  well, depends how much i have to do over the weekend.  DEFINITELY no more than 3 that's for sure.... yada yada yada you get the idea.

 

6) the day of the refill is all paranoia.  I'm so worried that something will go wrong, my friend (dealer, for some its a doctor) will change his mind or won't be home.  but I can't act stressed or he'll figure out how fucked up i am.  I have to act like I don't give a shit. "oh yeah you're busy tonight? you're out of town?  no worries, maybe I can just swing and meet you..   oh you're 3 hours out of town?  yeah i'll just catch you tomorrow... or wait, no actually I was heading there too I'll meet you somewhere.

 

Once I secure the supply.  Head home and get ready to resume step 1.

 

---------

 

You mentioned you are holding out hope for your partner.  I've been single this whole roller coaster (thank god I don't have to deal with the guilt of destroying a relationship over this stuff) but you don't deserve to have to go through this month after month.  It's not fair.

 

I think the following quitting options are most likely (please don't get the impression that I'm trying to tell you what to do.  this is an impossible situation for you, and only you know what is right for you):

 

1) he figures things out on his own and tells his doctor to cut him off, then he goes through a long battle of recovery (which is SOOO much more than just those brutal 10 days which admittedly are the worst)

 

2) you give him an ultimatum (this may be the wakeup he needs, or he may not even hear you correctly at the time and ignore you completely)  if this were to happen, don't take it personally as it's the addict talking, not the person you feel in love with.

 

3) you go behind his back and tell his doctor that he's binge using them all in a few days and faking that everything is OK for the appointment (I don't recommend this, because he may not react well and it may blow up in your face and be even more destructive to you).

 

Either way based on what you described, for him to quit will almost certainly require his doctor cutting him off permanently (which is a terrifying prospect for him right now).  Based on how advanced his problem sounds, I don't know how likely the first option is either and you may end up getting to the point where enough is enough and you need to tell him to choose between you and the pills.

And IF this is the path you end up choosing, I can suggest only the following....

 

Bring up the subject between stages 3 and 4 above, when he is back on his feet enough to be able to handle an intense heart to heart conversation like that, but don't wait too long after that, because once the heavy cravings start to hit you will be talking to the addict again, not his real self.  And you need him to be choosing to quit.  If you make him quit it just won't work properly.

 

I am so sorry that you are being put through this.  It's bad enough when you know you can quit at any time just by reaching out for help but refuse to.  But watching someone else decline into chaos and feeling powerless to intervene sounds agonizing.  I can't even imagine.

 

Rooting for both of you.  Please post back if you have any more question.  With any luck we will have a new member here soon.

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Thank you so much for this insight.  These keys help me to understand-if nothing more-than what you are going through and how little I am part of that thinking equation-or lack there of. My hope of my love becoming a member is a faint hope to more or less protect my heart.  As you know, that decision can only be made by one person.  I touch on the subject very lightly because he highly agitates into an angry mob at the thought of being without something "he could likely be on the rest of his life."  That is what I would call a realistic hope-one that has a flexible capacity for the amount of emotion I am willing to put into it.  Never the less its good-and scary to know that they one day will be aware of things that occurred during this fog.  I don't believe someone needs negativity to grow or build off of.  Especially as a man as sensitive as my love.  The adderall exterior of this man is chipping away at his heart-or at least the part of the brain connected to his heart.  Its crushing.  I applaud you and your effort to live without this stuff.  You can do it-you figured out how negatively something like this can affect your life-it honestly seems as though that is a HUGE part of this battle-from an outsiders perception that is. Peace and thank you.

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Hi Traceme,

 

First of all, you sound very supportive and it's obvious you love him so much. :) He's lucky to have you on his side!

 

I think you hit the nail on the head about him switching from alcohol to adderall.  To me, this is absolutely a case of transfer addiction.  He's using these substances to manage his thoughts and emotions.  You mentioned he thinks he is in recovery because he quit drinking.  I'm going to take a wild guess and assume he rationalized the adderall as ok to take because the doctor gave him a prescription.  I call this a back door approach to getting high again.  Our addict brain is sneaky and 9 times out of 10 it wants what it wants - to get high. 

 

You didn't mention if the two of you have discussed any of this yet.  Does he know how you feel?  Has he mentioned ever wanting to quit?  Has he ever admitted to you in any way he might have a problem?  

 

You mentioned his delusions.  Yes, he absolutely believes they are real.  The scary part when you are high on adderall is that you do believe the delusions are real, but you also know they do sound crazy.  So many times, I would try not to tell anyone what was going on with me because whenever I did make that mistake, I'd be attacked like crazy and it would just make me more mad because I'd feel like they weren't listening to me and then mocking me at the same time.  I would then isolate because in my mind I knew I was right and they were wrong.  It wasn't until I was sober for a long time I could look back and say "Wow, I really was out of my mind during those times and everyone else was right."

 

All of this stuff is pretty heavy and it's going to take some serious work to overcome.  However, the fact he stopped drinking is really great news and it does make me believe if he started to see how this is actually hurting him in so many ways, maybe he could find the motivation to want to stop.  Don't lose hope, but if I were you I might try to take a step back from him for awhile and try to put some emotional distance between yourself and him.  You have to take care of yourself too.  It's not just him that all of this is impacting.  I would maybe look into some counseling perhaps if you find yourself stuck between a rock and a hard place . Just know that you can't do this for him, but what you can do is try and help point him in a positive direction.  Have you heard of Smart Recovery?  It's an alternative to 12 steps.  You mentioned he didn't complete the steps so I am assuming he went to AA meetings.  You could always refer him to Smart if he was in fact looking for other options.  They have online meetings and smaller face to face meetings.  There is also an online family and friends weekly chat meeting you could try.  You may even want to try that before initiating any conversation about all of that with him.  I think it would be helpful if you had support from people that were in your situation.  Here's a link to their calendar.  You just have to register and then you can attend an online meeting or go to the forums.  http://www.smartrecovery.org/community/calendar.php#.Vs51xMc7nR0

 

I read a good book once for family and friends.  It's called, "Beyond Addiction: How Science and Kindness help change people."

 

More than anything though, just make sure to take care of yourself.  It's great you reached out for help.  I sure do hope he finds the help he needs and the motivation to want to come out of this.  It's not an easy struggle.  But at the some token, you can't do it for him either.  I pray he will find his way and I pray you guys can come out of this together and stronger than ever.

 

All the best

Lil Tex

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Such helpful and solidly insightful information.  Thank you Lil Tex.  To answer some questions yes, he knows how I feel and I have communicated many times and in many ways (some ways may of including shouting so not all good) the 180 change in personality.  He hates talking about a lesser dose or even a natural approach. The stress melts over his face at the thought of not having this medication so I know he's not there with quitting.  Thank you for affirmation to my alcohol replacement meds.  Yes on the rationalizing as well.  To boot, he is a family friend doc that his whole family has known for years.  Good and bad all the way around.  Every month is the same when it comes to running out...the vicious cycle.  When day three or four hits(of being without)-he starts thinking and listening to the wise idea that this may not be working-Like grumpycat stated-the doctor makes all those feelings go away and we are back at the start line again.  I do need some support.  His family is great.  We have all figured out that enabling isnt the same thing as love necessarily so that has been a tough lesson for all of us.  One that took to long to master Im afraid.  This has been a tough long road and one I am most willing to travel along-as slow and long as that journey could be-but I needed something else to go on other than my own past experience and trial and error overall.  Thats where all my friends here come in.  It makes me feel less anger and frustration when I hear that you don't really know what is going on when youre actively using-and abusing.  My love went to detox for four days-God "took away the will to drink" and never attended one AA meeting.  He was given Rx's and a hand me down AA book from his twin-and that's it.  Healed. I see right through it all.  I would never wish to be an addict.  I think addicts are some of the strongest and smartest people I know.  I have such hope for all.  Thank you again for all the encouragement.  I can't put into words how comforting it all is.   

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I want to say more, but I have to start working.  For now, I want to share with you a story.  I feel like this isn't a coincidence.  So, my brother is part of a group in charge of putting on a concert here in the summer time and recently texted me they got the band lined up. It's going to be Creed.  I was excited when I learned this because I was pretty sure the head member is sober now and dealt with an adderall addiction.   I googled it and came across this article.  His story sounds eerily similar to your boyfriend's.  http://abcnews.go.com/Entertainment/creed-frontman-scott-stapp-prescription-drug-abuse-led/story?id=30996539

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In this segment, he talks about how they diagnosed him with bipolar disorder.  I was diagnosed with the same thing, but it was the adderall that made me bipolar.  I have been fine for over 5 years since I've been clean with no type of bipolar behavior.  They also thought I might be schizophrenic.  This is the type of behavior you will see when dealing with an adderall addiction.  But of course there also might be co-occuring mental disorders going on as well.  It's pretty common to have more than just the addiction that needs addressed.  I just hope you take care of yourself.  At some point, if he is not wanting to get better you might have to walk away.  It could be the clarity that he needs.  

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Thank you all so much for this article!!!  Grumpy, Liltex and Always I'm sure you have a great idea of how incredibly helpful you are all over this site, but there is honestly no way for me to convey to you all how much you have helped me with my families struggles with your honesty and telling your stories.  The way you all explain a day in the life of someone who is or was an addict to someone who had no clue puts things in such crystal clear perspective and helps so much I'm not sure you'll truly ever understand from my level.   I have had to go through the pits of adderall hell as a co dependant spouse and cope with things I couldn't handle.  I knew nothing about adderall and I cant thank you all enough!!!  Ive said it before in the few posts Ive had on here but this site saved my sanity and continues to every time I come back to it.

Tracme- I pray for you and your family, your in the EXACT right spot for support, these are just the greatest most honest people you can lean on and will find on the internet!  Mike and this website is what saved me and my girls future and just gave me total peace of mind. Im over it all.   I went thru hell watching my wife hit rock bottom on this drug and destroy our family but with support I can honestly say I made it thru to the other side and have moved past it ALL and have never been happier in my life.  Everyday now is a day of smiling.  Once you understand the mindset of someone abusing adderall as this page does you can get the tools and your own mind set in the proper way to deal with almost every part of it or a great deal of it. Every case is different to a degree but youll read alot of the pain is the exact same, especially relationships...

My only advice I feel comfortable giving is to reiterate what Little Tex said above.

"Don't lose hope, but if I were you I might try to take a step back from him for awhile and try to put some emotional distance between yourself and him.  You have to take care of yourself too.  It's not just him that all of this is impacting"

In my experience the selfishness and narcissistic personality part of it puts you and family at the very end of the line, the addict needs to want to quit for themselves and not you.  It took divorce and leaving my wife and splitting up our kids for her to even admit she was on them let alone hear here say for the first time last week she would quit.  Even though I know its toolate for us and thats its a lie she is starting down that road I hope for the sake of the kids!

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Yes LILTEX's advice is spot on.  I feel a bit silly after reading it and then going back and reading my answer.  I'm afraid that I was definitely projecting a lot of my own experiences onto the situation without actually having any way of knowing the truth.  I just kind of got wound up as I was typing it out.  I should disclaim that I'm still not quite 30 days out of the fog (I was clean for most of last year but had a few month relapse recently) so my mind is still foggy and easily manipulated by my feelings.

 

Anyways, wishing you all the best.  I definitely believe in happy endings.

 

And thank you for the kind words dad!   :)   They mean so much!  

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Again Grumpycat-if you weren't being honest and open and being able to use the phrase "manipulated by my feelings" I wouldn't know that you could experience such an emotion.  Thank you-that must be why you wrote it-to help me understand :) Lil Tex I am going to sit back and enjoy the link now but I hadn't been on in 24 hours and wanted to check in first.  Dadof3-I am happy to find comfort here as well.  It has been a saving grace over the last couple of years.  I have been walking the relationship tightrope for a while now.  I always want to ask the question-can we make it? Does anyone make it?  Walk away? After everything we've been through?  Yeah...I'll be honest-sometimes I delude myself into thinking we can be the ones who make it-we won't be the statistic-we have all the tools-...but then-I look around-and I see the egg shells on the bottom of my feet-and the hot breath of paranoia breathing down my neck-and I realize-I have to look at it as walking away for the both of us.  It seems so selfish of me to even consider leaving. I can grasp enough reality for the both of us right ?!?  I can't ride two horses with one...well...you know.  Although I do know what you're saying I am not there yet.  I think I need to spend serious time thinking about if its time to start heading in a different direction.  We are all a work in progress. xo 

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I am a good partner when it comes to understanding that his recovery comes first.  EVERYTHING else 
(including "us") comes after.  I just want some company in the recovery room.  He visits-I am thankful for that. 

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Trace me- what you just wrote is very touching...I know it feels lonely in that room.  I come back to this site about once a month when I'm sad or have a rough day and I get all the strength I need for a new future.  Hopefully yours will be with this person you care so much about.  If not its his loss, you've obviously put your heart on your sleeve.  I pray for you both!

 

I really hope you find the strength to change the statistics, it has to be out there im sure and the people on here are in deed definitely have it and are changing it for people like us.  I am very optimistic person but incredibly stubborn when it comes to values and morals and wedding vows so once lied to I'm a bit of an ass to get past it and hold way to much resentment.  Hopefully your the opposite of me and can help to start to a new trend in this country or your touching story and love hits the hearts of the people fighting this horrible drug that can make a difference to themselves and families involved!  Ive sent my ex wife to this site a few times but not sure if she read anything.  Maybe someday though!  keep the hope!!!! 

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Traceme -
You wanted to know "can anyone make it". I think so. I hope so. My husband is currently tapering down after 11 years of adderall use.
2005:
When he had only been on it a short while, I insisted he quit when he came home from work each day an agitated, angry a**hole. He agreed to. That was the first lie. Looking back it's scary how fast it turned an honest, loving husband into a lying, secretive person who barely noticed I existed other than to get angry at me about nothing and everything. He proceeded to keep it a secret for four more years. I knew he had changed but we had been married for 18 years and he had never lied before so my mind just never went there.
2009:
I only found out when our lives completely fell apart probably due to bad decisions made on adderall. Long story but I will just sum it up saying that we lost everything financially and it was all kept from me until it was too late. When things first started going downhill, if he had told me, we could have cut our losses and survived but his adderall fueled risk taking and grandiosity kept him continuing on the path of financial destruction until the bitter end.
2010-2015:
I don’t know what he was on previously (he won’t talk about it) but from insurance records, I know that he was prescribed 30 mg XR during this time. He was back now to an 8-5 job (not that he kept those hours – more like 7-7) and coming home irritated and angry every night. On Saturday, he would sleep almost all day and by Sunday night he was starting to withdraw and he would start getting anxious and depressed. When he wasn’t sleeping on the weekends, he would be watching Netflix on his ipad pretty much nonstop while holed up somewhere by himself.
Despite becoming an Olympic level eggshell walker, I was constantly subjected to raged filled screaming if I crossed him in any way. At other times, I would beg for him to not treat me this way, only to be met with an emotionless, cold zombie response. But the hardest thing was that there was never ever any remorse. I understand being stressed and saying things you don’t mean and are sorry for later but that never happened. It was always my fault. I was always to blame. There was no remorse. No apologies forthcoming.
All through this, he would never talk about the adderall. No matter how many times I tried it just ended up with him saying I was the problem and it just devolved to another screaming match where he said the most outlandish things. At some point, I discovered this website. I think it saved my sanity. At least it explained everything. After years of him twisting around everything I said and trying to make me think that I was the crazy one, I felt vindicated.
Sept 2015:
I saw on the insurance records that he was now prescribed 10mg IR in addition to the 30 mg XR. WTF! More? This is a man who was tuning 60 in a month, unhealthy, overweight, out of shape, and on two blood pressure medications. Side note: just a few years before he first started taking Adderall, he qualified for and ran the Boston marathon.
Nov.2015:
The last of our kids finally moved out. As we drove home from the airport, I looked over at him and said, “Day 1â€. For whatever reason, it seemed to resonate with him. We made an effort to get along. Of course, for me, that just meant not saying anything to upset him. He still was getting angry but was making an effort to control it a bit. But slowly a tiny crack was starting to appear. He actually listened quietly while I made case for him getting off of adderall. He was and still is in deep denial about what it does to him, how it has changed him and what effect it has had on our lives. I think what finally happened was that I took away his biggest excuse – that he would lose his job. With the kids finally no longer a financial responsibility, I was able to say that while your job is important, quitting is more important. You need to quit and if you can keep your job – great but if you don’t – so be it.
Jan 2016:
He saw his doctor and had his prescriptions filled again. I confronted him and he said he talked to her about quitting. She must have recommended tapering down 5 mg every 2 weeks because that is what he is doing. He still will not openly discuss it with me except to briefly answer my questions if I push. It makes me extremely anxious that he is doing this all on his own. Tapering without anyone else controlling the drugs does not have a high success rate. One thing he has going for him is that he seems to place a lot of faith in anything a doctor tells him to do, so it appears that he is following her instructions exactly.
Everything I have witnessed so far seems to confirm that he is indeed tapering. Yes, I am watching him like a hawk! But the way I figure it is that he has the option to taper correctly or run out and have to go cold turkey. Under no circumstances, is he to get more prescribed. He is not the type to seek multiple prescriptions or try to get it off the street. I am pretty confident that if he can get off, he will stay off especially if he starts running again.
Feb 2016:
As of right now he is down to 10mg. He has one more week at 10mg and 2 weeks at 5mg left. I keep referencing a “flushing ceremony†for the remainder of the pills when he takes the last dose. He doesn’t seem that enthused about it but I act like I don’t notice. I’m just acting like it’s definitely going to happen so I think he’s becoming resigned to the fact that he is not going to be able to have an “in case of emergency†stockpile.
I have already started to see little bits and pieces of the person I was married to for 18 years coming back. I cannot tell you how great it feels to step on an eggshell and cringe, waiting for the explosion – and it doesn’t come. And if it does come – it is much smaller, shorter lived and more often than not followed up with an apology.
He said yesterday that he had the choice to go to a meeting at the end of the day or catch up on his emails that had to be done before he came home. He said that he skipped the meeting because he knew there was someone there that could brief him on anything that he needed to know and did his emails instead. He then looked at me and said, “Before I would have gone to the meeting and stayed late to answer the emailsâ€. I considered it a breakthrough.
So back to the question: “Can anyone make it?†I’ll keep you informed….

 

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I'm so sorry that you went through that.  I saw my own habits and behaviour all throughout your post....

 

I'm lucky I was on my own, because if I wasn't I surely would have destroyed any relationship I was in.

 

I am glad to hear things are improving.  Sounds like you guys have a plan in place!

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This is some complicated stuff. Maybe think about checking out Al/Nar-Anon or at least getting an unbiased third party involved (like a therapist).

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It is complicated-All the way around.  But I can tell you-its predictably complicated.  If I would of kept a notebook it would of been like reading Ground Hog Day the movie-same or similar things happen every month in almost the same way at the same time.  Sometimes the players change but the plot always stays the same.  After feeling a serious amount of uneasiness from month to month-I have grown to find comfort in it as well.  I don't mean to sound heartless or make it seem as though I find comfort in someone else's discomfort-but I would always say to myself-what now...what could possibly happen now-what lie-what was stolen-what was covered up-etc. Now I don't ask what-when-who where.  If I were to ask those questions every month or every day-there would be an expectation of error.  An expectation of failure.  I found that very unsettling as a partner in a relationship to live day in and day out with a negative expectation and all the anxiety that would cause-among everyone.  

 

No longer do I have that mind-set.  One day at a time.  Its all I can offer.  Its a manageable thought.  Its a common situation for whomever we meet that day.  Its something that doesn't set us apart from one another.  We are all living day to day.  I chose to be happy and positive and kind every single day.  That choice has left me with more hope than any other.   

 

Oswhid-thank you for letting me know if its possible to "make it".  I ask because I think its hard for me to imagine living my life without the man that I love.  Oh how I sympathize to how fast adderall can 180 any situation to the negative degree.  I can also resonate with this website making me not feel like I'm crazy.  I would say to myself-"my love isn't crazy...he's sick!"-after my first visit here that was when I finally felt I was among friends.   That was also something I found comfort in.  For a non-addict such as myself-I find hope knowing that if someday if he really wants a change-it is possible.  I hope you are getting the help you need also to keep your strength up for the journey you are on.  Its an ever changing road for sure.  I think you are doing great and I appreciate your post very much.  Please keep me updated-You are all in my heart and hopeful thoughts.  

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