Frank B Posted March 18, 2016 Report Share Posted March 18, 2016 Sorry try to stay positive on here but I feel like people who have never been really fucking strung out high as fuck can't tell me you can be happy sober. It's like a virgin saying sex is overrated. I'm not really missing adderal but oxycodone I really do feel like no matter what I can't feel happy again no matter how hard I work I cannot treat myself to the pleasure of a little pill. I guess it's normal guess shit will get better I have no one to talk to went to a meeting tonight and idiots just start going off on bs politics and never let other people talk it's annoying it's like a bunch of people who want to act fucking nuts just go to ramble on they have been sober for 29 years but just come to steal the spotlight and not give others who need to share a ficking chance. That's the only beef I have with NA you old crazy fucks who watch Fox News all day and want to spread your stupid conspiracy theories need to stay the fuck home! Ok I shared I'll pass now. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Frank B Posted March 18, 2016 Author Report Share Posted March 18, 2016 Btw where is everybody.? It seems like only a handful post or responses anymore. When I quit the first time saw a lot more traffic on this site. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Doge Posted March 18, 2016 Report Share Posted March 18, 2016 Traffic fluctuates. Some days it's almost like instant messaging. Other days you wait a week for a response. But the response always comes. Sorry to hear that the meetings didn't go well. Maybe try another one? And I believe with all my heart that you can be happy sober, just not 100% of the time. Happiness in some sense really just boils down to chemicals I think. And we've all fucked our brains up with this drug and healing takes some time. Eating right and exercise are two of the most important things we can do to help our bodies and brains. They will thank you for it (in the form of happiness). Stay strong and have patience you will get through this! 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LILTEX41 Posted March 20, 2016 Report Share Posted March 20, 2016 Hi Frank! Yeah, sorry to hear about the crappy meeting, but don't let it get you down! Is there anything that was useful? Like what about the fact people there had been clean for 29 years? Maybe if anything, hope if those people can stay clean, surely you can too? Ok, so what I am hearing out of your post is that you are miserable without oxy. You feel like you will never be happy without it. I've heard this explained as the schizophrenia of the trap. On one hand your brain knows these drugs are awful for you and will destroy your life, make you addicted, and keep you miserable. On the other hand, you are miserable without the drugs and feel deprived by not taking them. This doesn't lead to much of a great outcome. What the theory goes on to explain is that in order to beat this schizophrenia, you have to change your perception of the illusion that the drug is providing you with any sense of REAL happiness. Once you can view and see the drugs for what they are - toxic addictive substances that are destroying your life and leaving you trapped, poisoned, and miserable then you will stop even desiring the drug and you will be free. I thought maybe this seemed a little crazy of a concept so I even decided to a test trial the other night. The book goes on to say when we think about the happiest times of our lives, what was going on? Was it the alcohol (you can substitute oxy here) that was making us so happy or was it possibly the occasion? Was it the people we were with and the enjoyment we were having during the celebration or was it the alcohol that was making us so happy? The girl went on to do a test experiment at home all by herself with no tv, music, people, or any form of entertainment. She drank, got drunk, and passed out. She concluded that the alcohol definitely did not make her feel happy and she woke up feeling like shit. I thought about this a lot because this has been a giant struggle of me for a long time. I have struggled with alcohol since I was 13. I got in trouble right from the start and was mandated from my parents to stop. I thought it was unfair so I'd have all these periods of on/off sobriety. I'd be sober for a few months, but then all my friends would be partying and I'd want to go, so I'd go and end up drinking and get hammered and then in trouble again. Such a mess. Anyhow, point is I always felt like I was missing out. I felt deprived and miserable that everyone else seemed to be able to handle partying and for some reason I always got too messed up and did something stupid. However, after I read this book everything has changed for me. I just don't feel that way anymore. Let me explain further. So, I read some more and found another girl who quit drinking with this easy way approach. She said she still goes out till 2am dead sober, sips on tonic with lime, and has a blast. That gave me hope. I read the book more. I thought about what it was that I was missing from no longer drinking. What dawned on me, is that it wasn't the alcohol, it was going out at night with friends to fancy places, getting dressed up, listening to live music, laughing, dancing, and just having fun!! I had been a little too unsure of my recovery for a long time to allow myself to do these things. I thought it would mean danger and I would end up relapsing. However, I did it the other night and it was great. I had a freaking Odouls, lol. But it worked! Nobody even noticed what I was drinking and it just looked like I was drinking with everyone else. The guy next to me at one point reeked of tequila, was slurring his words, and spit kept flying out. Other people got up and were acting stupid and dancing. People were talking, but really couldn't hear each other and it was pretty amusing to watch all of this with absolute clarity through sober eyes for once. I realized that I am not missing a damn thing by no longer getting intoxicated and it is so freaking unattractive. I still had fun though! My friends and I laughed, told jokes, sang, and I just enjoyed hanging out being out again at night all dressed up. I went to bed and woke up without a hangover. It was awesome. So I don't know if you'll be able to take any of this and find it useful, but I was hoping it might help. Oh and one more point! I know for me whenever I feel unhappy, I have to ask myself what is going on in my life that is causing me to feel this way. Usually, any sort of unhappiness is what I call situational depression. Like when I broke up with my boyfriend, I was DOWN in the dumps. It felt like my happiness was suctioned right out of me and I was left depleted with nothing. Or there have been times with work and I've considered if I need to get another job. Like one that would allow me to be around people everyday. Or even the whole, "I miss going out at night with friends to parties" thing. That was a HUGE discovery for me this past week. Now that I've solved it and realized I CAN actually still go out with friends, get dressed up, and have fun without getting wasted I am high on life because I know I don't HAVE to get wasted to have fun anymore. What a joy and relief that's been to know I never HAVE to drink or do drugs again and all the worry/fear that comes along with addiction. I can live the rest of my life happy, joyous, and free knowing if I keep doing the next right thing, everything will fall in place. I just think you need to get to the root of your unhappiness and see what it actually is that is causing you to feel that way and then solve those problems. The pills don't make you genuinely happy. That is an artificial high you are missing. To me, genuine happiness is loving other people, laughing, having fun, feeling good about yourself and pursuits, having things you love to do, giving, helping others, and just feeling grateful to be alive and enjoying the beauties of life in this world. Not taking anything for granted and seeing all the miracles of life whenever you can. They are all around you all the time! The fact that you've come this far and came here to post the problem you were having in sobriety before picking up adderall or oxy again is a miracle. The people on this site that come here and get better are miracles. Just keep searching and you will find more and more of them. Thank you for sharing this with us. I hope you find all the answers you need!! 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AlwaysAwesome Posted March 21, 2016 Report Share Posted March 21, 2016 Let go of the drug. It can't hold on to you, you are holding on to it. Let it go... There can be happiness after the meds. It just takes time and a restructuring of your priorities, IMO. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Frank B Posted March 21, 2016 Author Report Share Posted March 21, 2016 Guess because it was st.patricks day and I was at a place where I could easily obtain oxy made it difficult. I've always been a semi depressed person ever since I was little. That's a big reason I got on adderal in the first place and it did help for several years. But the last two I needed more than adderal simply wasn't making me happy then I turned to the oxy. I can't trust any medication to help with depression I'm on St. John's wart and does seem to semi help but not sure really if it makes a damn bit of difference. I know going back to either drug is not a option but sometimes I must express how I feel and can't exactly do that on my Facebook. I'll say this it has been a bitch stopping adderal but I can easily resist a temptation if it comes across once in awhile. But it's really really hard with the oxy but I guess being synthetic herion that's a good reason why. I just hope others on here don't screw themselves up like I did getting hooked on two strong narcotics it's been the hardest thing to quit just doing everyday shit seems so so boring and hard to not want to just go back into bed and keep waiting for this all to get better but maybe it won't and I must get used to having low ambition and energy forever I don't know this sucks lol. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Doge Posted March 21, 2016 Report Share Posted March 21, 2016 that's great that you were strong and resisted temptation. but remember next time might not go so well you can only handle so much. protect yourself in advance from these dangerous situations 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LILTEX41 Posted March 21, 2016 Report Share Posted March 21, 2016 I think the longer you're clean it will definitely get easier. How long have you been off adderall and Oxy? 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Frank B Posted March 22, 2016 Author Report Share Posted March 22, 2016 I quit them both the week of November 20th 2015. The bad part of my problem is I know where old pain pill script bottles are at certain places, I never got caught but the temptations bad when I go to a place I've used in the past to score a couple pills. You know those commercials about kids going into medicine cabinets and how you should throw your old meds away? How true it is and unfortunately it's not just kids. I knew eventually I'd slip up why I had to stop. But when your a addict you can convince yourself it's ok and the pill bottle date was two three years old. Sometimes I wished when I was doing that I would have got busted so I would be forced to get help. I guess fate had a different route for me how many people who did what I was doing wish they got help before they got into deep shit. It's like part of me knows it was coming to a cluster fuck mess end and I wanted to stop so bad but the addict side says hey you always got away with it lets have fun. Demons in my head I'm a mess but the good side of me is slowly winning just wish I could be happier and more energetic. I guess part of it is overcoming two long term addictions at once that very few for the most part do so hard to get words of wisdom but I'm sure someone on here has. I know poor me it's fucking pathetic can't stand being like this! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LILTEX41 Posted March 22, 2016 Report Share Posted March 22, 2016 Ok, well it hasn't been that long since you've been off of them yet. Just give it time and patience. I know it's hard, but it will slowly get better. I don't think I'll ever escape urges and cravings 100% and if I told myself to expect that, then I'd be setting myself up for failure. What I have noticed, is they are nowhere near as strong as they used to be. The longer I'm clean, the easier it's gotten. I have an older friend who is in his 60's and has been sober for I think about 20 years now. He says he still has the occasional thought that a drink would be nice. I was pretty shocked when he told me that, but it made me feel better in a way to know that it's just part of the process. Once we have been addicted to something, it's totally normal to have triggers, flashbacks, and cravings even after years of abstaining. But that's simply all they are - urges. As long as we don't act on them, we have nothing to worry about. Also, you are being so hard on yourself!!! Stop that right now!! You are doing great!! Quitting the pills is just the first step of the process. It's going to take some time to find a new way of life and adapt. Just be gentle and kind to yourself. The fact that you are here trying to stay off this crap is awesome!! You're right, so many addicts never even get this far. They end up having tragic things happen to them like losing their families, jobs, accidents, dui's, seriously hurt someone else, destroy relationships, end up in jail, psych ward, or commit suicide. None of this is easy. It's seriously the hardest thing I've ever done at times. There have been so many times when I wanted to use again. I've gone through some really low points even in sobriety. It's not always rainbows shooting out of our ass and magic rays of sunshine, lol. I try to convey a very positive message of hope on this site, and usually I am pretty happy most days, but not ALWAYS. It's life. There will be good and bad days. But as long as I stay clean, keep doing positive things that are good for myself, and helping others, things tend to be pretty damn good. At least on this road there is a bright future ahead for things to keep getting better. Just try to stop beating yourself up, ok? You're doing great. Oh, and if you think you need more help, what about a therapist possibly? They might be able to help you in other ways us recovering buddies can't. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Doge Posted March 22, 2016 Report Share Posted March 22, 2016 It's not always rainbows shooting out of our ass and magic rays of sunshine, lol. I try to convey a very positive message of hope on this site, and usually I am pretty happy most days, but not ALWAYS. It's life. There will be good and bad days. Yeah this is a big thing that came up at some point last year. Whenever we have good days, we tend to eagerly come here to share them with friends because we're really happy and excited about it. Then when we have shitty days we tend to be more quiet. So this creates the false impression to some people that everyone else on this site is doing awesome and enjoying every second of their sobriety, and then they wonder whats up and why they aren't feeling like that. I think we made a bitch/moan thread somewhere in one of the subforums for doing precisely the opposite. Posting when we were feeling shitty and talking about how shitty our day was going. It's therapeutic in its own right, but it's a good way to dispel the myth that if you aren't just thrilled to be alive every day of recovery then something must be wrong with you. Keep your chin up. You are tackling two extremely hard challenges at once! Just keep your eyes looking forward and things will slow and surely get better. I promise you are going to emerge from this so strong if you just keep going one step at a time and don't ever look back. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Frank B Posted March 22, 2016 Author Report Share Posted March 22, 2016 I did find a good therapist but $80 per hour and me taking it slow at work just doesn't make it affordable. The thing I have learned is are society is not correctly set up to really help us who want to stop being addicts. Unless your rich or poor and on Medicare it's really hard to afford rehabilitation. My insurance paid freaking $0. I paid over $1500 out of my own pocket and that was for outpatient and only did maybe a month and a half all I could afford. What's even more messed up is the day I said this is it I'm done finding immediate help was impossible walked into one place and this ignorant rude lady yelled at me on the intercom "What u need here?" . All those rehab shows are a false reality it's not that easy because it's just not affordable for most middle class people to do. I'm not one to bitch about how unfair life is for the middle class but it's pretty clear who is getting screwed and we are so blind we think a corporate fuck ass Trump who will give more tax brakes to the rich should be president? This is partly why I used drugs society is so very fucked up and on drugs I could ignore all the social issues. The reality is we are all powerless over the media machine it dictates who we vote for it's a shame. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Doge Posted March 22, 2016 Report Share Posted March 22, 2016 its definitely true. there was a saying somewhere.... what's the difference between a rich drug addict and a poor drug addict? one goes to rehab, the other goes to jail and yeah the media is extremely dishonest, it makes me so frustrated some times Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LILTEX41 Posted March 22, 2016 Report Share Posted March 22, 2016 Yep, agreed about the healthcare system!! A few years ago I was lucky enough to have some kind of insurance plan that actually allowed me to see a therapist with a copay of $35 per session. Not in today's world though. It's pretty crappy!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Frank B Posted March 22, 2016 Author Report Share Posted March 22, 2016 This web site and NA are great free resources without them be really hard to quit. Just wondering on here if struggling big time in the mornings is common off Adderal for months? I've done coffee redbull energy shots nothing seems to work. It's been 4 months thought mornings would be better by now. If I could I would easily sleep to 10am everyday and I could have gone to sleep at 10pm. I'm eating a decent diet exercising at a gym 3 times a week doing everything your supposed to but still just a zombie in the morning no matter how much rest I get. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LILTEX41 Posted March 22, 2016 Report Share Posted March 22, 2016 So I have been thinking about this all morning. I work from home and have my laptop next to my work computer all day, hence why I can get on this site so much and ramble on and on. One of the things I was thinking about why therapy could be good was from what I've learned about cognitive behavioral therapy. I learned mostly about this from Smart Recovery. I know a lot of therapists work with patients to help change thinking processes from unhelpful to more helpful thoughts. The tricky part for me has been to catch myself in them though! So the idea is that when you are having unhelpful thoughts, you can identify them and then ask basic questions like, is this true, is it helpful, it there any proof to support this unhelpful idea, is it helping me to get what I want, and what are the consequences of holding on to this belief? Once you acknowledge that you're having these beliefs, you can work to change the original belief into something more helpful. For example, "I suck at meeting new people. I have always been shy and I'll never be able to have fun without being buzzed/high on drugs/alcohol." The consequence to thinking this thought would be depression and more anxiety about meeting new people. That's no fun and that sucks. So I'd go back and tell myself, "Wait a minute. That's not true! I'd reflect on all the times I did meet new people, had fun, and actually showed little shyness. I'd realize i was focusing on a one time event when I felt shy and catastrophizing it. Then I'd feel better. Again, though this is just one example. It takes practice, but the more you can correct yourself having crappy thoughts and then work at revamping them, you can start to feel better. I found another pretty awesome theory on this topic this morning actually. It's a bit out there, but it's along the same principals. This guy has a whole series of videos on youtube about spiritual stuff. I've been watching them non-stop. I can't get enough! But this video talks about how when these thoughts come in they are actually evil thoughts and they come from hell. All good thoughts come from God/heaven. He's says if we can look at our thoughts like the buddhist teach in mediation as thought bubbles and simply choose to dismiss the evil thoughts by saying, "that's a lie" and choose to hold on to the good thoughts then we can really start to grow. I think that's pretty cool and a good way to look at it. I am of course nowhere near the great of explaining all of it. If you have time, watch the video. It's pretty good stuff! It's called, "How to free your mind from heaven and hell." 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Frank B Posted March 22, 2016 Author Report Share Posted March 22, 2016 I'm pretty open to any suggestions which can help so watched a good portion of the video and do feel it can be helpful. I have felt dragged down by negative thoughts my entire life that has made me unhappy. Always felt I could easily brake away somehow but never knew how that's a big reason I turned to prescription drugs. Although I'm not a big believer that any man knows what happens in the afterlife I can't argue those thoughts of negativity to turn to drugs did not ultimately have a goal to end my life , suicide really felt like a solution many times when I was really deep into the pills. If the theories are true I must have a strong guardian angel to pull me out of that addiction before it cost me everything. The negative thoughts to turn back to drugs I have felt evil but definetly felt were made up in my own mind. The entire notion to look at them as not my own can help I'll watch the rest of the video either way I can't see the view point right or wrong to do anything negative thanks for the link. I must tell myself why being on the drugs did not make me happy. Yes they made me feel good but I was totally on a huge roller coaster ride high peaks and low valleys. I had little control of myself often loosing my cool with family, friends and even customers so I need to quit seeking that false gradification that ultimetaly set out to destroy me. It's funny I seem to be over it then it hits me in the face I do need to eliminate the underlying factor and thanks to Liltex41 I feel one step closer today. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LILTEX41 Posted March 23, 2016 Report Share Posted March 23, 2016 I thought this video was so fascinating. It was insane when he talks about the voices of schizophrenic patients. The reason it caught my attention is because when I went through my 1st drug induced psychosis, that is EXACTLY what it felt like. I literally saw a devil's head on the door of my hotel room and there were people (voices) taunting me like CRAZY. Looking back at it now, I can definitely believe that evil spirits had gotten a foothold on me and were out to see my destruction. They were literally taunting me to come out of the room and come get them. I thought they had guns, I thought there were rats, snakes, and crap in my bed and someone had broken into my room. It was INSANE. Anyhow, I just had to share. And about the drugs making you happy, just think of it as the evil addictive voice trying to tempt you back into taking them again to destroy you. It's a lie (when we have the thought the pills make us happy) they tell us to have us back in their control. I think of them like the wolf in little red riding hood, dressed in disguise. Freaky stuff!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Frank B Posted March 30, 2016 Author Report Share Posted March 30, 2016 The urge to use is not really at a high point but the struggles to progress into a productive lifestyle feels like it's getting harder. Sure I can stay clean sit on my ass and go broke or get back on addy be productive "for awhile until I waste time on useless crap" but die from a heart attack. I know the dangerous I know why I quit and I know why I won't do it again. But the overall depression of me not doing as I should is growing mounting everyday. I can barely function before 10 am I never get going like I should even after I feel awake. I used to pop a pill in the morning and take off. Now I lay just tired as hell and it does not matter if I had 8 hrs of sleep. I get high anxiety thinking of all the debt I have high anxiety of not getting work partially my fault because I fucking lay around half the day. I'm trying to stay positive but just wondering when I can be a productive person again or will I fall so deep in the hole I can't ever get back on my feet. What's the point that I should say this is it I will not get better than this, 5 months, 6 months a year two years I'm getting nervous thinking about it. I'm eating better working out getting sleep but all I want to do is lay down all morning this sucks. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bluemoon Posted March 31, 2016 Report Share Posted March 31, 2016 I feel the same way Frank, and we're at about the same spot in our quit. Some days are better than others, but most days really suck. This week in particular, has been extra rough. The fatigue is honestly killing me. I'm so tired I could cry at the drop of a hat. Everything takes so much effort.. effort that I don't have to give. I'm going through the motions and just waiting, waiting for it to get easier... But not sure when that day will come. And like you, it's not like I want to go back to the pills. I'm way past that. But I just wish I felt better. Wish I had more energy. Wish I could enjoy my days. Unfortunately I think we still have a long road ahead of us. But it has to get better, we can't stay feeling this crappy forever. Where's a time machine when you need one? 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Frank B Posted March 31, 2016 Author Report Share Posted March 31, 2016 I guess we need to have out inner drill Sargent kick are ass into gear! I never considered myself a morning person but this lack of effort now is beyond ridiculous. A few on here say go easy on yourself but man I can't if I don't turn on a switch soon I'm in big fucking trouble. I probbably won't enjoy the day but I gotta move on and force myself to be up and productive. Setting my alarm for 5:45am to do a morning workout tomorrow if I sleep in I'm going to slap the shit out of myself. If wasn't so old and have kids I'd join the military now because that's what I fucking need boot camp! God I hope nobody who wants to stop reads these that's why when I first quit I did not come on here seeing people months into the struggles from quitting was to much to contemplate. This sucks no doubt about it. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
duffman Posted March 31, 2016 Report Share Posted March 31, 2016 I would say you're making a smart move by not waiting for inspiration or motivation to kick in order for you to get up and do something, instead, just doing it anyway regardless how you feel. I think this is where building and maintaining good habits really helps. I exercise around 6 days a week. Lately, I would say for at least 75% of these workouts, I do not feel like going.. at all. After I get off work I'm exhausted, hungry, and wanting to go home and sit on my favorite recliner under the A/C with a blanket and watch whatever series I'm currently hooked on. However, I bought a book with a structured workout program, and I've made a commitment to myself to stick to this workout plan, regardless how I feel. Having structure in this context is crucial because I'm no longer asking the question "should I workout today?" (which, again, 75% of the time I would say no, I don't feel like it), rather, I'm asking the question "which workout am I doing today?". 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LILTEX41 Posted March 31, 2016 Report Share Posted March 31, 2016 Frank, Here's a trick that works for me when I don't want to go. I tell myself just go to the gym and do the elliptical for 10 minutes. That way, if I achieve this goal, I have succeeded. However, usually I end up doing like an hour. It's just the dragging myself there sometimes in the beginning of starting to get back in shape again that sucks balls. I think the longer you are doing it and the more it becomes a routine, it gets easier. The beginning is always the hardest part! So yeah, set easy achievable goals and slowly build up to whatever it is you want to do. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Frank B Posted March 31, 2016 Author Report Share Posted March 31, 2016 Well got up and ran (jogged and walked) a mile this morning. I came back full of ambition like I never was on adderal this morning called for clients made huge sales out of debt now! Ok I did run came home wanted to lay back down but didn't I forced myself to eat breakfast, 'anyone else not have appetites off this drug figured I'd wanna eat all the time' , took my son to pre school arrived on time always a plus then came home did laundry started on office stuff got side tracked on here now lol. The scariest thing off the drug is the thought no natural motivation will ever occur again. I see many going towards anti depressants on here I did the same when I first started but could feel the drug immediately taking a negative effect on my brain. I'd say the urge to take the pill is over after a couple months little inspiration to anyone reading this who wants to stop. It's just a daily struggle even after you get over that urge to pop a pill or get a new script that's why I keep coming back on here for inspiration. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AlwaysAwesome Posted March 31, 2016 Report Share Posted March 31, 2016 The same goes for me and work...once I get here, I am okay. But, getting out of bed is terribly difficult sometimes. I have not been exercising since my 5K two weekends ago. Not even a daily walk, which I always did. I have to get back on track... Maybe I will blow the dust off of my Tae-Bo DVDs this evening. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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