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BluInTheHorizon

Lying to my boyfriend of 4 years about my addie use (recreational)

6 posts in this topic

     So it all started a month ago, where I was so stressed out on handling school after five years of being out, living on my own, and holding a full time job. Where, I absent minded finding the girl who's known for her addy use, to buy some. 

 

I don't know what came over me, messaging her...meeting her, and getting some from her for the first time..but it felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders..

 

 Now before I continue my current situation i'll give you some background info...I guess in total I dabbled in all sorts of drugs for about seven years? I'm 22 so that should tell you that I was living like I was 21 when I was 16. Amps were always my favorite though, I was addicted to meth for about two years, and my boyfriend actually dove in with me, to get me out..didn't end well..but we're both clean from that.

 

In fact, up until a month ago all I was doing was smoking weed, and I hardly did that just because it gets in the way of school and makes me to anxious. 

 

Now I did addy before when I was slowly getting into meth. But not how i'm abusing it now.

 

I dont  won't do it at work, because as many of you know once you do something on this drug, its never as fun as sober. I really wish I didnt go to school on it. So just on my days off...so 2 days out of the week for the last month. I lost count on how many mgs ive done.

 

  To get to my title topic, my boyfriend is strictly straight edge now... except for the occasional drink,which i'm very proud of him, even stopped smoking weed for his job. I feel loads of guilt eating up in me...i've been keeping my use a secret even from my friends. No one knows but that girl. I love my boyfriend so much, but sometimes he's really controlling, and me keeping this from him makes me feel a little dangerous if that makes sense? It's something he can't control...But if he ever found out...I don't want to think about what would happen...

 

Sorry i'm rambling... I finished off the last of my stash (40 mgs)... the reason i'm posting is I think I need to quit before this gets out of hand? But I don't know how... I don't know when... 

 

I love railing them...just the motion, and prepping. I know its really bad for you, and its a waste but I just can't seem to stop. I've developed a habit, when its my weekend and my boyfriend leaves for work at 5 am, I get up..turn on full house ( :P ) and start cutting up my pill...I love how I can get the house clean, study and even getting ready, even the process of doing my make-up is great.

 

 

Long story short, I just cant get over it... but I need to, I hate how i'm doing this to the guy I love, and probably marry. I'm starting to get huge headaches, i'm smoking more weed then I want to, just to handle the comedown...

 

Any tips? Advice? 

* sorry this is my first post, and I just skimmed the rules...so I don't know if I was suppose to talk about triggering details...

 

 

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You need to find a way to remove the option from your life.  Explain to your supplier what is going on and that it is killing you (because it absolutely is, you are headed for an early grave but it's not too late to quit and be fully recovered before 30).  But you could easily continue down this path.  Think how fast the past few years have felt.  That speed will accellerate if you continue what you are doing.

The first step I think is to clarify to yourself just how bad this problem is.  Because I remember when I was in the thick of my usage, I would convince myself it wasn't that bad.  But it's poison.  Pure poison.

 

The second step is to cut yourself off, and reach out for help.  You have to cut yourself off somehow, because as you know the cravings are unbelievable strong once you stop for a while.

 

You can do this!!! And we are here for you!

 

EDIT:  

 

 

 

sorry this is my first post, and I just skimmed the rules...so I don't know if I was suppose to talk about triggering details...

 

Don't worry, you aren't doing anything malicious so it's not a problem.  We get you are speaking from your heart.

 

There have been a couple people that have registered on here, posing as recovering addicts, and then start pushing products on us to try and prey on the vulnerable and this really hurts our feelings.

 

But from reading your post I didn't get the slightest inclination (and I'd imagine nobody else could either) that you're one of them.  Speed is a vicious evil thing and causes so much pain.

 

Don't worry.  Everyone here knows that when people reach out for help here they are hurting and in a lot of pain.  We've all been there so we understand.  We're here to be your support network to help you get through this.

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You need to find a way to remove the option from your life.  Explain to your supplier what is going on and that it is killing you (because it absolutely is, you are headed for an early grave but it's not too late to quit and be fully recovered before 30).  But you could easily continue down this path.  Think how fast the past few years have felt.  That speed will accellerate if you continue what you are doing.

The first step I think is to clarify to yourself just how bad this problem is.  Because I remember when I was in the thick of my usage, I would convince myself it wasn't that bad.  But it's poison.  Pure poison.

 

The second step is to cut yourself off, and reach out for help.  You have to cut yourself off somehow, because as you know the cravings are unbelievable strong once you stop for a while.

 

You can do this!!! And we are here for you!

 

EDIT:  

 

 

Don't worry, you aren't doing anything malicious so it's not a problem.  We get you are speaking from your heart.

 

There have been a couple people that have registered on here, posing as recovering addicts, and then start pushing products on us to try and prey on the vulnerable and this really hurts our feelings.

 

But from reading your post I didn't get the slightest inclination (and I'd imagine nobody else could either) that you're one of them.  Speed is a vicious evil thing and causes so much pain.

 

Don't worry.  Everyone here knows that when people reach out for help here they are hurting and in a lot of pain.  We've all been there so we understand.  We're here to be your support network to help you get through this.

 

 

Thanks, I know i'm going down a slippery slope... I'm going to try to take a break for a couple of weeks, I say that because every time I say 'i'm quitting for good after this.'' with anything, it never works...so I'll see how I feel after. probably will be back to normal by then and not think about it.

 

  Its hard though with dreams, I would get amp or sometimes random drug dreams a lot, one time I had them for about a month. I would fight it and I would always win....but I guess this time it won. & I lost the battle...

 

The girl is a mutual friend of one of my friends... ive been getting to know her kindvel ike a secret friendship? and shes pretty cool. She doesn't really push it on me. But I know i'd be tempted if I was with her.

 

 

Thank you for your support, i'll update you guys as much as I can. But like I said i'm keeping this on the low from someone I love...

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I always suggest telling everyone that you know.  Get some external accountability.  'Fess up to the boyfriend.  Then, you will have to stay clean or risk losing him forever.  Of course, it is up to you.  But, as long as you are able to keep this a secret from him, you have given yourself a way to continue to use.  If he is the man that you love, then be honest with him.  You are going to ruin your relationship if you don't tell him and he finds out.  He will find out, by the way.  They always find out...

 

Welcome to the forum!

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I just don't know what to do... I feel like shit, the last time I used was Thursday, and it feels really hard for me to smile and my head still hurts off and on...

I just feel really depressed, like this is my life without amps...when do I start feeling back to normal?

I'm afraid when my boyfriend goes back to work on Monday I'm going to wake up early and text my supplier. Or on my day off on Tuesday...

What helps you guys to distract you from doing this ?

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Staying on this site and being super involved with the posting helped me get through some really tough times.  It takes a couple of weeks to get through the really tough withdrawal.  Then comes the emotional issue with gaining weight.  I am just getting back to some semblance of normalcy and I have been clean almost 21 months.  I still have bum days, though.  I did nothing except laundry this weekend.  Nothing.  I didn't even shower yesterday...    

 

Hang in there!  It is so worth it to be a human again.  Just get through this tough part and stay strong.

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