ashley6

Four years adderall-free!

10 posts in this topic

I received a text message today from my friend that said, "Happy 4 years free and clear!" It meant so much to me that my friend would remember my quitting adderall birthday, before I did! I knew it was coming up, but I thought it was in April. I googled a post I had made, which was quite soon after quitting. I posted it below. My life has changed so much since then. I know quitting adderall has been the most difficult experience of my life this far. I am telling those of you who are struggling. I felt weak and depleted, and did not know how I would go on some days during the quitting process. I basically slept to cope, but I am so happy to report that quitting has been worth it more than I can explain. The days when you feel like you just cannot continue feeling miserable...keep going. It will get better! You deserve a better life than adderall could ever give you. I loved the feeling adderall gave me from the very first pill. I had never experienced anything like that. I realize now that it was the first step in creating a life of havoc and unhealthy decisions. I am now a social worker who sees the effects of addiction on a regular basis, and it can be really sad; however, I feel like going through adderall addiction has taught me empathy and compassion, that I hope has benefited the clients who were in need of those things. Life is not easy, but it can be so sweet! :) I posted below this post where I was four years ago.

Hey....I've spent hours on this site for many months now. I'm so grateful for quittingadderal, because just hearing from all of you who truly understand gives me so much solace. I'm 27 and was prescribed adderall 5 years ago. I was on 30mg IR 2xday for about 4 years, then I had to switch doctors due to lack of insurance. My new doctor prescribed me 30 mg a day for a year and a half or so. I had a boyfriend of four years, was a student at a state university, and was basically a social butterfly. Things started to go downhill my last year of college (which I'm 3 courses away from finishing almost 3 years later). I really didn't see me as having an issue at that time. I look back now and realize how irrational and just spaced out I was. I pretty much neglected my relationship, because I already had the "friend" I wanted most, and my relationship ended. The fact that I had invested so much time in energy into school and my relationship and just threw it away is something I am only coming to terms with now....that's when I started taking waaaay more than prescribed. It's so accessible to me, so I've steadily increased my intake.

I finally realized that the people and things around me weren't the problem, it was me....me on adderall. I became aware of this when my roommates, who have been immensely supportive, sat me down and told me I had a problem. They've seen me for short periods without my pills, so they know the "real" me. I started making some efforts to change after that, then I just kind of slipped back into denial mode with a life filled with adderall. The problem is denial or avoidance is much easier than facing the uphill battle that lies ahead....until reality hits. Three weeks ago or so ago, everything hit me like a ton of bricks. I suddenly started grieving what I've lost and what I will continue to lose if I don't give up the pills. I decided to make an appointment with my drug counselor immediately (whom I met with a year ago) and told her I think I needed to go to treatment. She said she was proud of me and proceeded to call the inpatient rehab in my area. I was at rehab getting an evaluation an hour later, and they suggested 5-8 days inpatient followed up by 3 weeks or so of outpatient treatment. I'm also prescribed klonopin .5mgx2/day. I never thought of klonopin as my issue, because I've taken it as prescribed for 5 years, but they said the inpatient is for the benzo withdrawal; otherwise, inpatient probably wouldn't be necessary. Treatment is $550 per day, because my insurance doesn't cover substance abuse treatment.

I'm to the point now where I want this to be over with so badly and get the real me back, but I can't afford treatment on my own. I told my family about a year ago that I had an issue with adderall. They're aware of it, but over time I slowly just kind of distanced myself, so I wouldn't have to discuss it with them. I have a wonderful mother who loves me dearly but worries herself sick about me. My dad is very wealthy and could afford to pay for my treatment, but I'm SO terrified to ask. He loves me but has always been a "Disneyland dad," and I have a serious issue with wanting his approval so badly. My best option is to ask him to support me, but I'm so afraid of failing and letting my family down. It sounds so irrational and overdramatic as I type this. I'm at a crossroads now. I KNOW I can't continue using, but I don't feel strong enough to do it on my own.

I want to have peace and happiness for the many blessings in my life. I want my sense of humor back. I want to FEEL again without relying on a pill to dictate my life. I would really appreciate any advice or suggestions as to where to go from here. I would flush the pills down the toilet and move on with my life, if I wasn't so terrified. It's like losing a best friend.......a best friend who I've let wreck my life and let take way too much from me.

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Congratulations Ashley!!!!  So proud of you!!!    You are an inspiration to so many!!! :)

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Congratulations!  4 years is really exciting, and your success is really encouraging to the rest of us.  It's nice to have something to look forward to!

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Congratulations on your 4 years! I am four months in and, although it is getting better, I still have days where I sit there and wonder if I will ever feel good again, if I'll ever really beat this. But coming here and reading posts like yours inspire me to keep at it, and make improvements in my life. Thank you for taking the time to write this, and best of luck with everything!

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thanks for this. i am at one year and seven months and feeling a bit low lately. one thing i know is that i definitely dont want to give up! i cant wait to be able to say that four years have gone by!

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tantan911, I, too, am at a low point in my motivation right now at 21 months clean.  It will pass.  It is not a linear process...

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Wow, that is powerful. Good for you, Ashley. The desperation in your post from four years ago...damn I can identify.

 

SO cool seeing the peeps who were around and offered guidance and support when I first came here continue to rack up the time.

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