Liz3345

My story..advice?

11 posts in this topic

First of all, I just wanted to say thank you to all of you who have shared your wisdom and strength on this blog. I'm not sure exactly how much to share so I'm sorry if it's too much... It's just a relief to have found people who I can relate to. I began battling addiction to adderall back in grad school several years ago. I was overwhelmed, prescribed aderall, and instantly hooked. Suddenly I could read boring text books, and concentrate, and had this energy and zest for life I'd never felt. But that high was followed by horrible insomnia which led me to start drinking nearly every night to come down off the pill. By the next year, I began taking an additional dose of adderall often later in the day from time to time. I graduated began work and for the next 6 years I became completely consumed with stimulants( between adderall and Vyvance and going through a prescription 2 weeks at a time)- at the same time drinking most nights to bring myself down. Other than work I lived in almost complete isolation ( other than a couple of brief relationships being left heartbroken) I went from being an incredibly active athlete and social person, to just cutting myself off from most friends and living alone. Feeling desperate, I voluntarily entered treatment for a month. I stayed clean for 6 months and then relapsed on diet pills( adipex, phentermine) and the vicious cycle with stimulants and alcohol started all over again. And the past several months have been such a battle. I will stop for about a week and then I go right back. I'm very high functioning but miserable and almost no one knows what I'm going through other than close family. I just want to be able to wean myself from the stimulants..but is that a bad idea? I keep trying to control it. And the alcohol..my family is worried I have a drinking problem too. But I don't feel like I do...the only time I have the desire to drink is when I'm on stimulants. So am I an alcoholic or just a problem drinker on stimulants? These questions probably seem completely crazy and ridiculous but I can't figure out what's denial and what's not? I know I'm sick though. And I DO want to get well. I do find much comfort in spirituality and have attended AA. However, I question if I really need to be there? Again, am I in denial? Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Any book suggestions..really anything you think could help me. Thanks so much!

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i smoked one to two packs a day of cigarettes while using adderall, now that im off it i have zero cigarette cravings.  so i bet your alcohol dependancy will fade too once you kick the pills

 

i feel your pain about the relapse.  I pulled a similar stunt last november.  was really disappointed in myself.

 

there is only one thing to do though, just jump back on the wagon and start again.

 

it doesn't matter if you need NA or not honestly.  if it helps and you feel comfortable going there, why not use it as a tool to help yourself heal?  that's what its for right?

 

as for denial, looking back my whole addiction was one big fluctuating denial phase......

hope you are doing ok and welcome to the forums.  we can all get off this bullshit together! :)

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I have a different theory when it comes to the question, "Am I an alcoholic?  Do I need to attend AA meetings?"  Most people are not going to like this answer, but it's the best one I've found.  Alcohol is a highly addictive drug, but our society has been conditioned to think it's no big deal because it's legal and 90% of people drink.  A book I read refers to it like a pitcher plant and everyone who drinks is just at different stages of falling into the descent.  It traps you much like a pitcher plant traps flies and insects.  You don't even realize you are stuck until you realize you are unhappy when you are not drinking.  This idea seems far fetched at first, but for me I found it best to quit everything.  Blame the substances and not yourself personally.  If you take drugs and drink alcohol (which again is a highly addictive drug), you increase your risks of becoming dependent and addicted.  It's easier to just avoid the alcohol trap altogether than play around with trying to control it.  There are zero risks of reducing your inhibitions to relapse on other substances if you are not under the influence of alcohol and you will have 100% control over your life.  I know most people don't want to hear that answer, but of everything I've found in my quest to get my life together and be successful, this is the best thing I've found.  The book is called, "This Naked Mind" by Annie Grace if you are interested.  It's really good.  What I loved about it best is how it drives home the idea that life actually can be so much better simply without alcohol.  It's just a matter of reversing the brain washing from advertising and today's culture that says alcohol in moderation is good for you.  You don't have to call yourself an alcoholic to quit drinking.  In fact, labels aren't really good for anyone. It puts us in a negative head space.  I just want to say also that if you are having a problem with one substance, there is a good chance you will quit it and start abusing something else.  I've found for myself, I can self medicate with almost anything from alcohol, drugs, food, shopping, to you name it.  The most helpful thing I've found for myself to do is journaling.  When I want to act out with alcohol, drugs, or whatever I write down everything that is bothering me.  Then I address each problem one at a time.  But more than anything it's the pausing and taking time to identify and reflect what's wrong before acting out and trying to escape.  When you escape through whatever method from your problems, you just end up compounding the problem and having more problems as a result.  Best advice I can give you would be try 30 days clean of all alcohol and drugs and see how you feel.  Then re-evaluate at that time.  It will give you a lot of clarity and freedom that you won't otherwise have under the influence of alcohol.  

 

Welcome to the site btw!  Glad you are here! :)

 

Update:

After reading my post again, I realize maybe it sounds little rigid.  I think there are plenty of people out there who can handle alcohol and not abuse it.  However, my point is for anyone that has struggled with trying to control it and had problems with it the past, the best method I can speak of for getting a handle on it is to just stop consuming it entirely.  Maybe you decide to go through a period of trying to moderate if you want to see if that's an option, then by all means try that.  I've had to do this several times in my life to get to a point of realizing that I will never be a moderate drinker - I drink to get high the same way I took adderall or anything else.  Take away the part of getting inebriated and let's say drinking to try and get a buzz...well one or two was just never enough for me.  As soon as I drink a few, I want more, and then I want pot or coke or whatever to keep the buzz going.  I've just found it easiest to not do any of it and then I don't have to worry about it all.  I am still learning how to go out and socialize without it.  It's really not that bad.  It's still fun to hang out with friends doing the same stuff.  Life can still be good!

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I sometimes took three to four times my daily addy dose along with pain pills not prescribed to me then a little alcohol just to keep the buzz going. I have been clean for a couple months off adderal and oxy I still drink from time to time. But for me alcohol is not a trigger to take adderal it's actually the opposite. So when I go to a NA meeting and they preach total sobriety I understand why but not going to put myself down for enjoying a glass of wine at dinner or a few beers watching a ball game. Each person is different if you stop adderal and drink heavily every night you probbably have a problem and need to completely stop booth. Stay clear of those diet pills those will not benefit you like adderal did at one time. Five hour energy shots seem to help me but I won't take pills for enemy esipically ones with ephedrine. I think everyone identifies the secret addiction and it makes it hard to stop. You can't tell your work friends are family hey I'm a complete lazy ass now because I'm battling a horrible addiction. Most people are like what's your problem so what get off your ass. But it is worth it, I think I hope still struggling but slowly getting better day by day. But I'm now getting a little more energy and will power vs my lazy teenage son. That's not saying much but it's a improvement now when I get on his case for being lazy I won't have the guilt of being on adderal pills to make me a hypocrite.

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I drank a lot on adderall to come down too (pretty much daily) but off it I barely drink at all. Stimulants are the only substances I've ever had an addictive relationship with. Adderall was THE drug for me. So, if you're like me than yes, you're just a drinker on speed because you like the combo.

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You did really good telling your story, I thought....I very much agree with what you said about this website.  you see....I still can't tell "my story" probably would ramble on and on.  but addiction/dependency is soo screwed up. and lonely for me (and i have a husband and child)..... I hope your life gets better.   great battery going dead.  thanks all of you.   thought i was going to lose my mind a few minutes agooo......but not now....good nite.

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I drank a lot on adderall to come down too (pretty much daily) but off it I barely drink at all. Stimulants are the only substances I've ever had an addictive relationship with. Adderall was THE drug for me. So, if you're like me than yes, you're just a drinker on speed because you like the combo.

Great point, Cassie!  I drank 3x the amount on adderall.  I think one could be okay if they just found their drinking was abnormal on adderall, but didn't have a problem prior to it.  Good thing you mentioned this!

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I drank a lot to be able to go to sleep at night.  I would wake up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom and be wide awake though...terrible times.

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Thank you all. I definitely need all the advice and help I can get, and each of your posts really spoke to me. LILTEX41 your message wasn't too rigid at all. I'm in a constant cycle of denial, and I really need to hear it like that. Otherwise, I'll find excuses and reasons to argue why I'm not an addict. It's crazy. I also can totally relate to you. I don't care to drink when I'm off stimulants, but if I do end up in a situation where there is alcohol involved, it's difficult for me to stop at one or two, and I usually end up drunk. I'm definitely going to check out that book.

AND I can also relate to you Cassie, I'm much more of a drinker on stimulants. But I just can't stop taking them. How did you do it?

I've tried over and over for very short periods and keep going back. The fatigue and lack of motivation and the horrible mornings trying to get of bed is what I struggle with when I try to stop. I'm on phentermine, diet pill now, and I'm having a really tough time controlling it. I think about the drug all the time. I take it in the morning and when the energy high starts wearing off, I take another. And sometime even more. I feel like I'm on this awful roller coaster I can't get off. I've been told working the steps and going to meeting would really help. But I'm finding it so difficult to find adderal/prescription stimulant addicts in meetings, and I think it would help to be able to relate with somone. Bc I do believe stimlant addiction recovery is diffent than alcohol recovery on some level. I want to try and wean myself but I don't know the best way to do that, or if it would even work for me. Just wondering how all of you did it? And what motivated you to stick with it?

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Liz3345, 

 

I am in a similar situation and just posted something on one of the forums hoping to get some advice on how to get completely off the medicine and what motivates you to stick with it. I, myself have never really been religious. Half of my family is pretty religious, but I never got into it. I have been reading a couple books and researching and I keep seeing references to "believing". Not necessarily in God, but having some sort of spiritual connection, to a higher power, to allow you to accept you actually don't have all the "willpower", that there is something bigger and greater, and that belief has lead people to sobriety, clarity, and happiness-ultimately free of their addictions.

 

What is your take on all this?

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