Frank B

Sick and tired of being tired!

17 posts in this topic

When I first stopped adderall it seemed like a day went on forever time slowed down. Now a couple months out the day flies by and at the end of it I have little progress to show. Beyond staying drug free I'm doing little to nothing wasting valuable and minutes, hours and days wasted away. I started to work out early in the am but after the workout I'm still not focused still wanting to lie around and not start working. I have a friend with cancers she is going threw chemo and has more energy and will power then me! What the fuck is wrong with me? Will my body ever get back to normal? I push myself but still accomplish little my inner drive seems all but a distant memory. Days like today if my script was around I'd probbably just waste all the months being clean for a pill that will jump start me. I feel like this is never going to end I'm going to throw away everything I worked so hard for off this pill because I cannot get off my ass. Understand this takes time but the bills don't stop coming and projects around the house need to be done. I hate this I hate not being happy I hate not having energy this is a bad day and having way too many of them to make me feel this is worth it.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

i understand how you feel and am having trouble getting myself motivated lately. just keep trying i think that is the only option. i am sorry i dont have more advice for you, but know that you are not the only person who feels like this. dont give up.

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

If I could easily make about $10,000 to pay off dept help pay my kids school id be in a better place. The stress of not having money to pay bills or energy I had on the pills is overwhelming right now. Reading this may take up towards two years is like a prison sentence. I can't afford professional therapy and obviously any med a doctor can give me will just fuck me up more. Obviously for the amount of people on this drug vs the very few on here most people don't ever stop or don't have a big issue doing so. I know deep down if I took that pill I'd feel very disappointed in myself. I can't stand being like this I know before taking adderal I was a hard worker with drive I took this because I had to try and be superman and I was for awhile now I'm somone on the path towards welfare I can't stand myself if I didn't have kids I would consider ending it all at this point fuck it all

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

 

 

I know deep down if I took that pill I'd feel very disappointed in myself.

Can confirm from experience.

 

I think I was rounding in on my tenth month clean when I managed to manipulate my way into getting my hands on some.

 

I did 15 pills in about 12 hours.  By the time they were gone I was bawling.  I had been doing so well, and was on the road to happiness and threw it all my progress away in an instant.  And for nothing.  I pulled an all nighter so what?  It wasn't even fun or productive or anything.

 

I've actually been reading a lot of your posts Frank, I think you may have started posting here during the time I was away on my relapse and couldn't bring myself to log into this site.  I really feel you man.  I find your posts inspiring really.  You are so honest about where you are at and your dedication to quitting comes through in your words.  

 

Whenever you are feeling like you are hating yourself just try to remember how massive of an undertaking it is to get off of two different extremely abusive substances at once.  You are a winner right now.  Remember that.

 

As for your last sentence, I'm really glad you have kids then, it breaks my heart to hear you talk like that and yet on the other hand I totally understand feeling like my soul is dead inside and there is just no point.  

 

One day not too long from now you will find true happiness again, even if it starts off coming just in little small doses.

2 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Appreciate that Doge a few weeks ago was a Sunday I felt happy for once had good energy played with kids made big dinner cleaned up no issues. I really thought that was going to be a turning point. That kind of day has not returned I can't pinpoint what I ate differently are anything. Yes I can do chores now I can semi work but I'm just tired no drive must force myself to do everything and no real self satisfying reward of accomplishment once completed. Why can't that kind of day come back must I suffer 2 years of this or 6 months I'm pretty confused on that now. If I can have a couple of good days here and there this would not be so bad but the longer I have these bad streaks it really makes me want to give up.

This is the only place I feel safe to say whatever's on my mind no one else knows what I'm going threw elsewhere I hope anybody on here lays out everything if not what's the point of being on here only way it can really help .

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Give it at least a year!!!  Don't give up.  :)  What you are going through is normal.  

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

When people say it takes years to fully recover, it's important to understand that doesn't mean you're going to feel shitty for that whole time.  You're going to notice massive improvements constantly along the way.

 

Hang on to that Sunday, because it's coming back.  Next time it might last for 3 days though, then you might have another crappy week again after.  But the overall trend is that things are going to be improving for you.

 

Keep posting when you feel shitty.  

 

Also, I highly recommend getting a ticker.  It's really satisfying to count the days and constantly be reminded of how close you are getting to your next milestone.  It gives a tiny little bit of short term validation that our dopamine deprived brains so desperately need.

2 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I clicked on the length in the past it shows a bunch of crap for weight loss and months until a due date. I'm sure somewhere I could find it but I don't have the patience maybe I have adhd should be on adderall haha jk . My give up date was 11-20-15 so if anyone knows how to make one I'll use it.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

wow so you're a couple weeks away from the 5 month point!!  that's so awesome!
 

I recall a really rough patch between 4-5 where I almost felt like I was starting to feel worse than a month or so prior.   Around the 7th month mark I noticed a huge improvement, and the first time where a week or so went by without even thinking about the drug.

There is light at the end of the tunnel man.  Just try to remember how amazing you are for quitting.

 

btw, nice avatar..........     *switch to jesse voice*  bitch!  :D

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

One thing I wonder is if I'll ever enjoy something I went way overboard with during my time on drugs. I used to restore complex machines that date back to the 1950's I have a lot of them. I don't really wanna say to much in detail in fear of releasing my identity not that people are on here looking but you never know. Anyways since quitting everything I can't stand them don't care to do anything with them which sort of makes me sad. I have not pushed myself to do it because it's nothing that is needed to make a living. Just a once passionate hobby where all the passion was lost after I stopped adderal and oxy . I'd hope to one day get a urge to do them again at a steady pace not doing all nighters to complete them in a rush, but just at a normal pace.

This is what makes being a addict like us is so hard to understand. We get strung out want to work just doesn't make sense vs a common junkie.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Adderall is definitely different than any other drug. That's why I'm so thankful for this site and thankful to have people who actually understand.

 

8pm here, and I'm off to bed. I hope one day soon I can actually stay up past 9pm. Actually, I hope one day I will actually WANT to stay up past 9pm. The best part of my day is bed time. Kinda sad. Haha...

 

PS - Frank, we have the same quit date. :)

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Bluemoon, it took almost a year after I quit before my sleep cycle got back to pre-adderall normal.  I just hated having to fall asleep early and wake up super early.  But that was what my first year of recovery sleep pattern looked like.  I prefer to stay up till at least 11 and get up around 6 or 7.  ON Adderall, I only got about 5 hours per night and that was simply unsustainable. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Tinkering with electronics is incredibly mentally draining.  I used to take apart Nintendo Wii's, Playstations, Xbox's etc, and solder in modchips in them for friends and stuff way back in the day.  Now I just don't have the energy/focus for it.

 

Maybe you dont want to do it now because you weren't really all that interested in it to begin with, or maybe you were but you just don't have your drive back yet.  Time will tell.  But if it was really something you were/are passionate about, I'm sure you will get back into in due time!

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I think tinkering and Excel are activities most of us have in common.  One Christmas my son got a remote control truck and the charger didn't work.  I took that bitch apart and fixed it!  I also missed a lot of Christmas morning because I was totally consumed with fixing the charger...  

2 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Yeah did that too one thing that got me was taking off one leg for the security rom chip voided all those errors no need to blow on the cartridge anymore. Wish 25 years ago I knew that trick would have saved a lot of frustration. I still play my NES they really had some great games and way ahead of their time in the graphics.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

no time to question...why'd nothing last...

grasp and hold on...we're dyin' fast...

soon be over...and i will relent...

let the ocean swell, dissolve 'way my past

three days, and maybe longer

won't even know i've left

under your tongue...i'm like a tab...

i will give you what...you're not sposed to have...

under my breath...i swear by sin...

for better or for worse...a best we began...

let the sun climb, oh, burn 'way my mask

three days, and maybe longer

shed my skin at last...shed...shed...

let the sun shine, burn 'way my mask

three days, and maybe longer

won't ever find me here

let the ocean dissolve 'way my past

four days, and not much longer...

let my spirit pass...

this is, this is...

this is, this is...

this is, this is...

my...last exit

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!


Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.


Sign In Now