LILTEX41

Never Give Up!

10 posts in this topic

I feel an inclination to post this topic early this morning for some apparent reason.  This has become so apparent to me in the past 24 hours I'd like to share.

 

You know what's easy to do?  Give in.  It's easy to give into the temptation to go back on the pills, bottle, or whatever your drug of choice is.  That takes no effort and the funny thing about it is that even to this day it is still my first line of thought the second something goes wrong in my day.  

 

I decided to run a test trial last May after reading a book on how to moderate your drinking.  Now, this book was intended for those who were currently drinking and to start the recovery process with a moderation plan.  I had been sober (mostly) for 5 years.  However, I got these ideas in my head based off what "some" people (very few) were able to achieve with moderation.  I was really determined that I was going to stick to 3 beers when going out and no more.  I mean I was really determined, right?  I planned to keep exercising and doing all the positive things I had been doing for the past 5 years in my recovery.  I thought if I could just add a few beers back into my fun life, it would be great.  Well, I did okay at first.  I had a few benders, but when I really tried hard at sticking to my plan, I was semi successful.  But then life happened.  I had some hard days and being that I had opened the flood gate again just a crack, it didn't take long before the flood came raging in.  It just kept getting progressively worse as I stopped caring about my moderation plan and all I wanted to do was get messed up again like all the time.  The worst was the morning after a night out and I was scheduled to run 14 miles for a marathon I had signed up for.  I did it and it sucked really bad.  But even after that, the pull for drugs and alcohol was growing stronger and stronger once again and I found myself returning to the same place I was at right before I got clean which was drinking daily and wanting to get messed up 24/7.  Luckily something bad happened that woke me up to the fact that if I kept going I was going to end up back on adderall and possibly lose my job.  So I quit again on Nov. 10th, 2015 and have been dead sober since.

 

In these past 5 months, I have dealt with more urges and cravings than I could possibly imagine.  It has been extremely hard at times playing the tape forward and not giving in.  However, every time I have done this and woken up knowing I resisted an urge when it felt unbearable, I have gained an enormous amount of strength, confidence, and self respect.  I am literally so fucking proud of myself and I feel awesome.  There have been so many times when I wanted to give up.  When I wanted to say screw it, go to the bar, and just get blasted.  But before I did that, I remembered how well it had worked out in my past and then I would recall all the shit of my past.  And I think about the friends I have that have overcome their alcoholism or addictions and how well they are doing now and how happy they always seem to be.  I always know what the answer is deep down in my gut if I am just willing to pause and wait long enough for the urge to pass.  And what I'm finding out is that life can be extraordinary if I am just patient to wait long enough to see this process through.

 

I saw a video this week of a lady who had a near death experience and she said when she got to the other side she came in contact with her dad.  He told her she could go back or she could stay.  The choice was up to her, but she had this awesome sense of knowing that either choice would be the correct one - that everything would be good either way.  The whole story was riveting of course, but I really took something good from her story in that we should try and see life in that manner.  Instead of being so worried about everything working out exactly the way we imagine it in life, if we change our perspective we could see that it will be good regardless.  We can make the most of any situation we are in and find the best in it.  We can take the bad things that happen in our lives and turn them into something good.  We can take the things that were meant to destroy us and turn around and help others.  When we find purpose in our lives, it slowly starts to make sense.

 

I saw a friend tonight that was through some really hard times recently.  I was seriously worried about her and didn't know if she was going to pull out of it.  We had some good talks.  But tonight when I saw her I was shocked.  She had done a 180 since I had last seen her.  She had a renewed hope and a revived spirit that had come over her.  I thought she had given up, but right at her lowest she bounced back and is sounding more stronger than ever.  She is such a sweet person and she deserves happiness.  I was in awe of her strength to fight back when life threw shit at her.

 

We attended a charity event on human trafficking.  The stories of these women were beyond anything I'd ever heard before.  One of the ladies told her story about how she'd been abused as a child and needed love.  A guy started giving her love for the first time in her life and she became hooked.  Next thing, he had her stripping.  Then it was on to cocaine, crack, and heroine. She was inducted into a gang.  She was part of the coke dealers business that when his clients came to pick up coke, they got to bang her.  Anyone he was associated with - she was consider theirs.  She did 10-20 tricks a day.  At the finality of years and years of this, she said a man showed up and she saw the face of the devil that day.  He took her into an abandoned warehouse and proceed to rape and sodomize her with every foreign object he could find.  He made her throw up from giving him a blow job and then used a knife on her on the inside.  When he left her for dead she ran back to the gang for help and to get some heroine because she wanted to die.  The gang saw her bleeding and said, "here are some paper towels. Go downstairs, clean yourself up, and go back out to the street and turn some tricks first and then we'll give you heroine."  She went back to the warehouse and found a rope and hung herself.  As she hung there she felt warmth coming all over her body and started to feel all the pain finally leaving her for the first time.  But then suddenly out of nowhere she hears the voice of jesus.  And he says, "I'm not done with you yet.  I have a purpose for you." The rope broke and she fell.  The next day she checked into a hospital and got clean.  She has been helping other women in human trafficking ever since.  She is clean and sober today.  

 

I think about earlier today when something really upset me.  Something upset me so much I busted at in tears and I wanted to relapse so bad.  I wanted to give up.  I went running instead.  Halfway through the run I was in shock.  I couldn't believe I had chosen to run at my weakest moment.  I suddenly felt stronger than ever.  All afternoon I was a mess still emotionally.  But by the end of tonight, everything changed.  My situation that I was upset about did a 180 and I was shocked.  I was so thankful once again that I didn't relapse.  It was a miracle.  It's amazing what can happen when you just keep going and don't give up.  All of these stories tonight and yet I am hearing the same message in my heart play over and over again.  Never give up.  There is a purpose for your struggle or pain.  And always remember...and even on my weakest day, I get a little bit stronger.

 

If you are actually still reading this, thank you for listening.  My encouragement to anyone struggling is that there is a purpose for your struggle.  Don't ever think you have wasted your time or life caught up in this addiction.  You will be a blessing to someone else someday for having gone through it.  And that feeling my friends is something unfathomable that not everyone gets the opportunity to share with others.  

 

Much love to you all

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You are amazing, Lil Tex!!! You are an inspiration to us all. Thank you for sharing. SO proud of you :)

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This has me in tears. Thank you so fucking much for writing all that out.

Your response gave me goosebumps.  It is such an honor to be of service.  Best wishes upon your journey.  :)

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Thank you so much for sharing this amazing post LilTex.  I haven't been on the site in awhile and this is one of the best things I've read all day.  You are an inspiration to so many people!  I am blown away by those stories.  I've been going through a rough time lately and it helps to hear about how much adversity and pain people can overcome. 

 

I recently gave up on my plan to try learning moderation, too.  Some really bad things happened and it was a wake up call for me that I just cannot drink.  I was born this way.  It's in my genes-- my body doesn't relate well to it.  (Or any substance, really.)  I had done a few sober trials on my own, but always slipped after a month or two.  Then I was working on moderation-- nope, that didn't work either.  So now I'm one week sober and I feel really good about it. 

 

I started doing AA.  We were doing a reading and one line that struck me was about how alcoholics tend to be very smart, hardworking, energetic, work-hard-play-hard kind of people.  I am definitely like that, and a LOT of addicted/recovering people are.  It's almost like the flip-side of the coin-- the dark side, the compulsive side.  I think it's very true of adderallics, too.  We can use our energy for running marathons or writing books or running businesses, or we can get caught up in the endless merry-go-round of addiction.   Sometimes we have to fight hard to stay away from the darkness.  But it's so worth it.  There is a purpose to our lives, and I don't regret any of it.  I've learned and grown so much through trial and error.  Even if we may have fallen far, "those who have not fallen cannot walk." 

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