FinallyQuitting

Adderall cost me my job

12 posts in this topic

Hi all.

I am only 4 days into quitting and experiencing extreme lethargy and apathy.  I so badly want to get my script filled and it’s taking every ounce of strength not to do so, but seeing posts in this forum have helped immensely.

 

I’ve been using adderall for 7 years. I first tried it in college to get through finals after a friend gave me some – it was like a miracle wonder drug. I immediately googled ADHD symptoms and memorized what to say to a doctor to get a prescription, easy as pie.  I’m now a 31 year old professional, and have not worked a single job that I felt I couldn’t get through without using it. Or basically accomplish any task that might be boring – such as hanging with future in-laws or other obligatory social functions. I live with my fiancé who has no idea I use it and would be so so so incredibly disappointed if he did.  But, this version of me is the only one he has ever known throughout our entire relationship.

 

A month ago, after using all week and having sleepless nights for 4 days straight – I was all paranoid and tweaked out on a Friday at work and interpreted a comment during a meeting as a personal attack (it wasn’t).  I made an impulsive decision and quit my job on the spot - something I have never done before. My colleagues thought I was crazy… it was a competitive company that offered so many wonderful perks and tons of flexibility.  Over the weekend, I sobered up to binge-sleep and realized the gravity of my mistake was made on adderall brain, but it was too late.

 

Fast forward a month now and I have spent every day of my unemployment taking adderall and cleaning our 2 bedroom apartment over and over, in between episodes of chain smoking and drinking booze to help the comedown.  The normal me actually HATES cigarettes and is a lightweight who can only drink 2 glasses of wine and be more than satisfied.  Adderall me can't resist a whole pack and a bottle.

 

My fiancé gets home from work everyday and I lie about how many jobs I’ve applied for (NONE) and hide the alcohol with gum because he began to worry that I had a drinking problem. He just went out of town this past weekend so I used the opportunity to quit once and for all.

 

Now, today is Monday and I am still wearing the same clothes I was wearing on Friday.  That’s right – I haven’t even showered or left my apartment.  I am ignoring all phone calls from friends and family.  I want to do nothing but eat and sleep. I feel like the biggest worthless piece of sh*t.  But I am just trying to keep in mind that this drug is ruining my life, my relationships, my ability to keep a job, or enjoy normal moments like a normal human being.  I’ve tried to quit so many times but THIS ONE IS IT, I AM FED UP. I just discovered this forum and am so relieved that others out there know the feeling, so I thought I’d share my story too.  Thanks. 

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First of all, welcome! And congratulations on making the decision to finally quit.

 

It may be a good idea to tell your fiancé about what's going on. He probably knows something is up (he definitely does, since you said he is suspecting that you have a drinking problem). I doubt he will be as disappointed as you think. He will more likely be relieved that you are taking action to get better, and he will most likely be a lot more supportive than you think. 

Quitting is ROUGH! I'm not going to sugar coat it, you have some hard times ahead of you. This is just the beginning. You will need to be able to lean on your fiancé through this time. You can also lean on the community here; there are some wonderful people here that have been through exactly what you're going through, and can provide the kind of support that no one else can. 

 

These are just my opinions. Only you know what is best for you. But either way, I'm glad you're here! :)

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Got to tell your fiancé if he is meant to be he will support you but if he has no clue be prepared for the worse. How would he not notice with the nights without sleep in the past is my only question. I'd say after the amount of time close to myself you know deep down its time to quit. It's a fucking battle to stop but what the alternative at this point. Hope you feel welcomed here to post any crazy stuff I feel like not enough people let it all go on here.

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Welcome-good for you for quitting and thank you for sharing your story.  This place has been a saving grace for me and I am so thankful to be able to come here and educate myself and vent and share stories.

 

My opinion only-think about telling your fiance'.  It will be hard to keep it from him because he has only known the "adderall version" of you.  You are going to probably seem much different to him and telling him may make the challenge of quitting...well maybe a bit less challenging.

 

 No matter what you choose to do you have made a remarkable decision to quit 

-and I am so happy that you've joined.  :)

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I found that telling everyone I know, I even posted my quit story on facebook, helped me to have external accountability.  It also helped a friend of mine decide to not start taking Adderall after she read my post. 

 

Tell him.  He knows something is up, and will probably be relieved to know the truth. 

 

Welcome!

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I am so glad you found us!  You're in the right place.  :)

 

Just know you can do this!  I am pulling for you!

 

This is an amazing journey you are about to embark on and one that will change you for the better in the end...as long as you are willing to stay the course and persevere through some hard times.  It's by no means easy getting off that shit, but just know there are lots of us here who are doing it and come out on the other side.  Whether or not you decide to tell your fiancé is completely up to you, but in IMO it would be a lot better if you knew you had his support and encouragement trying to quit.  A good support system is extremely helpful.  

 

Keep posting and know that we are here to help!

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Wow, thanks so much! All of you were so right.

 

I was so hesitant to tell my fiance for fear of being judged or that he'd leave me. He enjoys alcohol but is against anything else mood-altering (for his own use, not necessarily others). He used to work as a counter-narcotics analyst for the illegal stuff... befitting of him because he's 36 and never tried anything before in his life - not weed, not a cigarette, or even COFFEE (!!!). As a child, he saw his mom have caffeine withdrawls/headaches and it scarred him for life I suppose, lol. Sometimes when he's feeling really adventurous, we'll go nuts and share a coke zero. :) All that to say, I guess in my mind, telling him "I'm addicted to speed" never really occurred to me as an option.

 

He knew I had taken it once years ago, I had to 'fess up after a night out with friends. I drank WAY too much wine to counter the crash and irritability as usual - but I blacked out and caused a horrible screaming fight between us for no reason. It was like being possessed by a demon, I did not feel human.  I even physically assaulted him on the walk home by squeezing my fingernails into his hand and drawing blood. The next day we both couldn't believe it, he was so hurt and I was so ashamed. He said if I ever take those "blue crazy pills" again, it's 100% over, and my response was "you have my word".  But... in my addict mind, all it did was teach me to hide the side effects - it never happened again, nor did I complain about sleepless nights, etc. And he trusted me.

 

But, I read all your comments and agreed...I have to tell him, it's the right thing to do, and I cannot do this alone. And if he leaves me for this, maybe we aren't meant for each other anyway. As heartbreaking as that is, I hope to marry someone I can rely on in vulnerable times of need through all of life's curveballs, not be judged. 

 

So I told him tonight, and it went GREAT!!  Naturally, he did feel a bit betrayed - but overall was so relieved I was honest and he pledged to help me through it. Lots of hugs and kisses and tears for us both. He said it all makes sense now...my binge-sleeping weekends... sometimes I never ate, but sometimes I couldn't stop eating... sometimes I'd belly laugh at our favorite show, but sometimes I'd sit there the whole time emotionless... The puzzle pieces really began to connect and he knows that "adderall me" isn't the real me. 

 

It feels amazing to have no skeletons in the closet for once, and we're stronger then ever! This is finally my time to change and it's REAL! Not sure I could ever get to the point of posting it on my Facebook like AlwaysAwesome did - but mad props to you, now that is bravery! :)

 

Thank you again, everyone. Honestly. 

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You know I woke up having a bad morning so far, but this just totally turned my mood around into smiles and excitement for you!!

 

Wow, words can't describe the feelings I have after reading this.   So happy for you!!!!!  :)

 

Hugs!

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That is such incredible news! I am so happy for you!  Keep it up girl!  That was probably one of the hardest things you ever had to do...and you did it!  I am so happy for you both!!!

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Welcome to the forum.  Your story reminded me a lot of my own, especially the cleaning and smoking part.  Take it easy right now, a day at a time. 

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Great job!  I am super proud of you for telling him the truth, and I am glad that he is hanging around.  I knew he would...

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OMG, FinallyQuitting, you sound exactly like me. My sober self hates cigarettes, I am a runner, but when I am all cracked out on medicine I smoke all day and when I get home from work I drink wine glass after wine glass (I prefer boxed wine  :happy: ) I myself have not made the decision to finally quit for good because its easier for me to just avoid addressing the problem and keep on keeping on with my performance-driven, stressful, action and thinking and planning-filled job. But, I too, experience the same eating habits and feeling like I want to be able to enjoy normal moments and be a normal human being again. You said something about how some days you'll be LOLing watching a show with your boyfriend then other days you are expressionless. That is me with my boyfriend to a T. 

 

About your situation, that must be tough going through what you are going through when he hasn't experienced weed, cigarettes, coffee, you name it! I am glad you finally told him.

 

How are things going? Are you still sober from the Adderall? What has been the biggest reason for you sticking to staying clean?

 

 

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