8 weeks sober and threw it away- ashamed

[TodayDeterminesTomorrow]

The topic title says it all. I have been off this crap for 2 months and it's like the devil got into me and for no apparent reason I got the thought of re-filling the script in my head and the next thing I know I'm back to where I started 8 weeks ago. I have no ability to control my portions so I've barely slept in 3 days and while support is of course appreciated, I almost feel like I don't deserve it. I hate this stuff, it literally makes me less productive and after the 30 minute high on day 1 is gone, there isn't a single positive that I can honestly say comes from swallowing these pills. I wish I could explain it better but unfortunately I can't, 8 weeks of hard work and I felt like I had finally put this chapter behind me and here I am back at square one. The blame gets pointed at no place but the mirror. I am dissapointed in myself at a level I've never felt before. Thanks for listening guys

[bluemoon]

I've been there more times than I can count. Don't give up!! Dust yourself off and try again. You can do this!!

[LILTEX41]

Just a flat tire on the road of your recovery.  Pull of the road, change it, and get right back on the highway!  You beat this thing for 8 weeks SOLID.  That's awesome!  Sometimes we have to take one step back to move 2 steps ahead.  When I get urges and all that junk, I don't blame the urges on myself.  Instead, I blame it on the dark side and evil spirits that have tripped me up in my time of weakness and overtaken me.  They are out to destroy us.  Yes, I feel weird saying that, but I really do believe this stuff. Cast those bastards off and turn toward the light.  You got this!!!

[TodayDeterminesTomorrow]

I really appreciate the replies and the encouragement. I know what I need to do but ifs not going to be easy- I can't believe I am going to have to under another one of those 1st week can't get out of bed episodes again. I can only hope that it's not as bad bc of the 8 week break, but I doubt it. Any experience wit this guys?

[LILTEX41]

How many days have you been on them?  The quicker you get them out of your system and decrease the amount of time you've been on them should help.  

[TodayDeterminesTomorrow]

It's been 5 days now, around 90mg per day- admittedly, I have no ability to control myself once I start, I hate that. I don't have the ability for a lazy day tomorrow bc of an extremely busy work schedule. I want so badly to toss these down the drain right here and now, but I can't get myself to do it. My plan (planning is all I got right now) is to get through Monday and toss them Monday night. So figure it will be 1 full week back on this crap, then cold turkey. Just typing this I can't believe I am putting myself through this again. Thank you guys so much

[quit-once]

Let's go back to that moment you made the decision to refill.  Was it really a spur of the moment decision or had you rationalized why this time, it would be different?

 

The reason I ask is because relapses are usually planned.  Once the relapse decision has been made, however, it is not to late to change your mind again and find a distraction to delay getting the drug.  Sometimes it only takes a few minutes of distraction and the urge to use subsides.  Coming here when you feel weak is certainly one of the best distractions you could employ to avoid another painful relapse. 

[TodayDeterminesTomorrow]

That's a great question, my response is probably different than you would think. To answer the question if I rationalized and convinced myself this time would be different- the honest answer is no. I know, without question, that it ends the same way every time. That's what makes me so dissapointed in my decision. However, the relapse did follow the same trends as usual...I stopped visiting the forum, my workout routine started to slack, I spent longer, less productive, time at the office....the second I called in the presrcription though, I knew I was screwed.

[ChristopherB]

I was off the pills for a year, after 8 years of 30-40 mgs / day, got sick of PAWS, tracked down my old Dr. got back ON the pills for 7 months.  Now it's been 18 months w/out a pill, the PAWS is 10 times worse, seemingly endless (no exaggeration).  Relapsing was such a huge mistake. I feel like, if I'd just stuck with it, I'd be out of the woods and back to normal by now. Never again.

[Frank B]

This is why I wish specialty programs for adderal abuse were as common as AA. People say NA is the answer but once u go to those you realize its a different process. I'm not knocking the NA program but our sense to use is different. Now almost 6 months out the urge is getting very distant I realize the damage vs production the drug causes. But a new wave of depression and anxiety has personally flooded my ability to cope with the problems in large part caused by my carelessness financial behavior over the last years while on this medication. I hope you find the courage to stop again you know its a battle the only thing keeping me from a relapse in the few months past my quit date was cutting all ties to gain a prescription easily.

[fkadderall]

It was honestly difficult to quit adderall. I'm about 10 months without the drug. Do I miss being alert and the productivity,yes. Do I miss the withdrawal,hell naw. I went thru relapses before I decided to fully quit. Don't go back to ur doctors. Remember, a year feels like a second. Quit for good. Don't even count your days. Of being clean at first. Just detox. After a month the urge to use is still there. After 2 months, you feel like you can go back on the drug BC u kinda forget about withdrawals and you're not used to being off the drug. It's summer, now is the time to be off adderall

[Searchingsoul9]

What you say resonates with me. "I hate this stuff, it literally makes me less productive and after the 30 minute high on day 1 is gone, there isn't a single positive that I can honestly say comes from swallowing these pills"

That rings so true in my mind. I honestly don't know why i take it when realistically i know that its a super short lived "high" and then you just feel worse than you did before it.

Don't beat yourself up though.

I quit like 12 times before i managed to stay clean for a couple of years. Then i relapsed quite a few times randomly and very spaced out.

And each time i KNOW it isn't even worth it. It is just NOT worth the debilitating low that it brings after that slight buzz that vanishes as quickly as it comes. 

Use this to your advantage. Write down how it made you feel. If the urge comes again and you feel you're on autopilot...just tell yourself to wait at least one day. Just get through today and see how you feel tomorrow.

xo

[Danquit]

I'm 6 weeks into my second time quitting. Don't beat yourself up too much about relapsing, it won't do you any good. Just pick up where you left off and this time know that it's the last time. I blame the drug, it's so powerful and it can literally control your mind. I remember the first time I quit, it wasn't a choice really because I had an Adderall induced psychosis that ended with me in the emergency room and then I was in a mental hospital for a week. Even after going through that and being clean for 4 months, I somehow managed to get another prescription and ended right back in the hospital. 

 

This stuff is very bad for me, I am still in shock over the fact that they prescribe this to children, that is insane! Anyway, I totally understand how disappointed you feel that you relapsed, but don't let that get you too down. It's what you do from here on out. Just know that you're not alone, I can't wait to reach the 2 month mark.