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Poster Child for Relapse


Doge

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Hope others learn you must absolutely no doubt cut your supply off completely or you will slip. I even recently took a far extreme I choose a new health plan that basically covers only catastrophic events. Having to pay full costs on doctor visits and prescriptions really make the thought of trying to see a new doctor a pretty big burden. I'm fucking done looking to doctors for "help" all the shit given to me adderall antidepressants etc have done far more damage then good. I'm not saying I'm against medicine but the human brain and how it really functions is still way beyond the grasp of mankind. That's why no one can cure mental illness , Parkinson's , ,dementia etc. But yet they give us drugs that are deemed safe to change our brains chemistry yet don't know what the fuck it's really doing. A new war on drugs needs to take place and I'm not talking about arresting a drug dealer making couple grand selling crack. I'm talking about these multi billion dollar corporations giving fucking SSRi suicide pills to depressed people because they were lied to and said it would help. The only thing these pharmaceutical companies want is people hooked they care less about the consequences suicides, kids shooting family members and mass shootings it's something they pay big piece of shit scum bag lawyers to cover up.

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yeah without cutting off my supply it was back to the same routine.

 

binge for 2 days, crash for 3, then start early recovery.  eat healthy, get back into life again, start being productive again after about 3 weeks, that would last maybe another month.

 

then suddenly a switch would go off in my mind and i would tell myself its no problem to get some more pills I'm clearly not addicted anymore I've gone 6 weeks without any.  a quiet voice in my head would tell me that I know that's bullsht but at that point I just wouldn't care enough and was prepared to accept the consequences.

 

I've been repeating this since last november.  sometimes I'd make it a month, sometimes two months,  i made it almost 3 months in this spring but just fell on my face randomly because of one weak day.  I just can't do it if I have access.  I'm glad I don't now.

 

I can't wait to hit that 4 month range.  my body is much more healthy this time than it was when i quit the first time.  so I am hopeful I will enjoy those recovery milestones maybe slightly sooner than my last timeline allowed.

 

I was doing so great last year but threw it all away because of arrogance.  I like to romanticize about the idea that people will learn from my mistakes but I know deep down that I refused to listen to anyone elses mistakes.  

 

I always knew on some level that I was making the wrong choice but didn't care.  I don't know how to explain it but i think everyone on here knows exactly what i mean.  it's the addiction aspect that non-users will never understand but we do all too well.

 

again im going in circles but it's precisely the reason that not cutting off access permanently is a recipe for disaster.  although I feel like I remember at least one member on this site was able to do it.  I still cannot fathom it.

 

it's the dark passenger that Dexter talks about (fictional TV show if anyone's not heard of it) when he goes to NA meetings (but is secretly talking about his need to kill people).  you know he's going to wreak havoc on your life but you want him to on some level because you're already in self-destruct mode

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Thank you so much for sharing Doge! Congrats on finding that your life is coming back together.

 

We addicts, no matter what substance, relapse.  It's part of the whole picture.  I relapsed on adderall at least 4 major times before I even made a profile and cut off my source.  I've relapsed on everything, repeatedly.

 

The point is that we keep on and don't let the relapse become another downward spiral.  Step up and keep moving forward!

 

I'm happy for you that you're in love!  Just be sure you're doing this for YOURSELF.  Otherwise it won't stick.

 

But I do believe a lot of addictions stem from loneliness and searching for true connection to other people.  Just don't substitute your new love for your former addiction...... because people do also become addicted to love.   Sorry if this is too harsh but I've seen it happen and it ruins relationships, which I would hate to see happen to you!  

 

Hugs! And congrats!  You can do this!

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  • 1 month later...

The good news is that you always come back!

 

I'm sure there's people who I've seen on here, that went back to Adderall and are still currently on Adderall.

 

You keep coming back, so that alone seems to be a real commitment to wanting to quit.

 

Now you just need to quit for good and stay off. ;) I have hope for you.

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