SeanW

Tough situation, looking for advice and opinions please

15 posts in this topic

Hey everyone, glad to have found this site. I'm going to get right to it. I'm in my last year of studying chemical engineering and I absolutely hate adderall. I've been taking it regularly for a year now and all it's done is pretty much put me in a enormous hole of sleep deprivation and malnutrition.. Every ounce of me can't stand to take it but I also can't stand the thought of dropping out my last year of school after so much hard work. I'm afraid if I quit I'll be too mentally and physically exhausted to pass and if I do it'll be barely and my gpa will suffer along with my chances of a job.. I've failed to quit probably five times in the last two months and it always goes the same way, the first couple days I feel so focused and determined then seems to fade so quickly and if I'm not constantly doing something my mind is trying to convince me to take adderall.. Is it unrealistic for me to believe I can do this and still finish my school year? I've always felt I could do anything I put my mind do but after failing to quit probably five or more times now I'm losing hope.. Any advice or encouragement or similar experiences would be greatly appreciated..

Thanks for taking the time to read

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I guess I just feel like I'm damned if I do, damned if don't. Sorry if there's no real point to this post.

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I think it depends on how bad you want it.  You are STRONGER than you think.  If you quit with bound DETERMINATION to stay off of it and move forward, then you will prevail.  It's not going to be easy, but you CAN do it!  It all just comes down to deciding how much longer you want to stay chained up to this drug.  The longer you take it the harder it will be to get off of it.  IF I could go back in time, I would've quit the first time for good and never started again.  All those years I spent chained to it were just prolonging my suffering and making the quit harder.  Maybe taper down slowly until winter break and then sleep that week and start fresh come the 1st of the year.  Just an idea.  

 

You got this!  You're lucky it's only been 1 year.  Still not easy, but totally doable.  Think of it like this.  Just get through your final year of school without it and then when you start working you won't be a total mess.  You'll be used to being clean by then and starting off your career on a good foot is possibly more important than the last year of school.  You want to be ready tackle your job without this crap in the way to hinder you in any way OR make you feel like you can't function without it and stay hooked on it during your career.

 

Welcome to the site!  

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Hey Sean welcome to the forums I'm new here too.

Just a few key things I'd like to point out to you here...

1. You've only been on adderall for a year.

2. You only have a year of school left.

3. You've earned more college credits without adderall than you have with adderall.

It seems to me you have 3 options

1. Do exactly what LILTEX said...couldn't have said it better myself.

2. Take a semester off. It'll give you time for your brain chemistry and body to reach homeostasis.

3. Continue taking adderall until you graduate. Then focus on getting yourself cleaned up and when you're ready, go ahead and find yourself a big boy job.

Each option has their own inherent risks with the 3rd posing the greastest detriment to your health. Keep in mind that you've only been on adderall for year. So going another year means that it will be twice as hard for you to quit and you'll probably feel twice as bad as you do now.

Do you plan on getting your masters or doctorate? If you're just looking to earn your degree, then move on to a career then it seems to me that your GPA is irrelevant. You can pass with C's and D's.

So with that being said the 1st or 2nd option has your best interests in mind.

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and if you do plan on getting a masters or doctorate after, then all the more reason to quit now.  you don't want to be chained to adderall going into one of those programs.  its not worth it.

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Hey I appreciate the replies and assurance. I quit 7 days ago and have felt really determine and have done well till this afternoon "ten hours ago". I hit a low and felt so tired and convinced myself to take some and immediately regretted it.. I've been feeling so good. I shouldn't have put myself in a tempting situation. I feel done with it. I'm determined to do this. I'll be back to update. Thanks again, I really appreciate the support

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Excellent advice above! I will say that I personally could not quit cold turkey while I was working. I'm a college professor and psychologist. My brain would have been fried, and it could have been bad. Tapering down wasn't working because of the psychological hold adderall had on me. I found myself always going back up on my dose and had one excuse or another ready to  justify taking just a bit more that planned. You know how it goes. 

 

I knew I had to do this cold turkey, so I took some time off at the end of the semester. After a couple weeks, I was still a little loopy, but the worst was over and I could function enough to get by. I think the ability to quit cold turkey and still be semi-functional depends on the person, the dose, how long you've been taking it, and what demands you have on you. Some here have made it through pretty much keeping up with normal life. I couldn't, especially given the fact that I needed to be able to think very clearly in my line of work. 

 

If you're on a lower dose and you can operate at a decent level just dropping the drug, definitely do it ASAP. Don't keep taking it any longer than you have to. If not, consider quitting over your next break or taking a couple weeks off as soon as you possibly can (Over the holidays? I know that would suck but it would be the best gift you could give yourself!!!). I swear to you, I think much more clearly now off adderall than I ever did on, and my imagination is back. I feel like I'm sharper and finally have my mind back. My feelings too. I'm human again. It's SO worth it!

 

Granted, I don't have ADHD. My adderall was prescribed for mental fatigue (terrible idea), so it just turned me into a robot that could think fast but not think smart. I don't know if you have ADHD or not, but I suspect if you've made it this far in school studying a subject like this and have only taken adderall for a year, you got really, really far without the adderall. In that case, you probably don't need it and will be much better off without it.

 

One more thought: Someone here encouraged me to really prepare for my quit and when I was absolutely ready, to go for it 100%. The more you quit and start back on, you start convincing yourself you can't quit for good. The idea gets stronger every time you relapse. Of course it's a lie. You can quit and relapse 100 times and then get serious with attempt 101 and make it, but you psych yourself out and start thinking it will never stick the more you relapse. So plan well, get all ready, and then go and never look back! You can do this! 

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Thank you for the reply and insight! This is really rough and I get waves of intense anxiety that I'm not getting enough done, won't get enough done and that I'm in too deep in unfinished work and I'm going to fail the semester my senior year and I'll be a whole year behind.. I was taking a 10-20mg 5 days a week for the first couple months then my ego started chasing the euphoria and before I knew it I was taking 40mg a day and was taking only a day off a week. When I was recently taking I was capable of being very productive the first couple hours then I would feel intense dysphoria and compelled to take more or suffer the rest the day till I can sleep.. In the past 13 days I took it just the day I mentioned above. I'm feeling more confident than ever that I won't start taking it again but as far as passing this semester, I don't know.. It really sucks feeling that I might be a year behind especially since I'm already a year behind due to transferring schools but I know the feeling of addiction is just as bad and also destroying my health where as right now I'm feeling stronger and more myself than ever I just can't focus enough for the ridiculous amount of work being thrown on me.. Next update will probably be towards the end of the semester, hopefully it will be positive. Thanks again

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ok, I have mixed feelings about what I'm gonna reply. Part of me wants to say to quit and finish school with a thumbs up and say you can do it. But let's get real. I've been there done that. Quitting adderall was the hardest thing I ever had to do in my life. UGH

So part of me wants to tell you to either quit and take a semester off or finish school on your adderall and then after you graduate throw that sh!t out.

I tried quitting cold turkey and that was a nightmare so I tapered off 30mg from Jan until sept of this year. Yup I took all those months to taper off damn right. I told myself i was on that crap for almost 9 years so a 9 month taper seemed fined to me. You need to do what's right for you.

good luck

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Agree with Smhjen this is not like quitting drinking, cocaine or opiates. You have a problem like any of those you'll soon see the benefits of being off them. It's been a year for me off addy still waiting to see them. Yes I'm healthier better with my kids for the most part but I'm not the hard worker i was. Being healthy and able to enjoy life doesn't pay the fucking bills sorry just being honest maybe shit will change for me. Not to say I'd be in a better place not quitting I was on the road to a early grave but just feel like when the fuck can I get some self will back? Sorry this is shitty advice I should take a break from even this site for awhile until things turn for the better not sure why I even look on here I already know what each day will say quitting sucks and it takes a long ass time to recover. Eat like a health nut train like a Olympic athlete and you recover faster blah blah blah

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Frank,

 

I can't help it, but your post is making me LOL. Maybe you should do standup.   ;)

 

Life is tough without speed.  Yep, it sucks, but sooner or later you gotta quit all this complaining and suck it up.   Bitching and moaning about it constantly is only making you MORE miserable.   I don't mean to trivialize your despair because I DO remember being there, but I can I tell you the dream I had last night?  I had a dream my friend was taking adderall and there was this GIGANTIC BOTTLE (the size of a protein powder jar) along with 3 other ones labeled ADHD MEDS.  Instead of wanting one, I was freaking out about my friend who was acting ape shit crazy and all I wanted to do was tell her STOP!!!  But even in my dream, I knew that wouldn't help her and she'd have to come to quitting at her own time when she had had enough.  

 

ALL I am saying is that the fact I did NOT WANT it in my dream and had NO DESIRE was a freaking MIRACLE.  I NEVER believed this would happen to me.  Just hang in there.  CRY, BITCH, MOAN, WHINE all you need.  Hopefully, it feels good to just vent.  Just try not to stay stuck there.  You are creating your own self fulfilling prophecy.  You gotta just DO IT.  Work hard.  Set some goals with a deadline.  Watch some inspirational videos or something.  Just whatever you do, stop dwelling on how great adderall was to make you a work machine because that is PRO-DRUG thinking and it will lead you back there if you keep the momentum going in that direction.  I mean do you really want to fall back in the trap again?  Play that shit all the way through and don't just think about the high and getting shit done.  Think about the behavior from start until finish and being stuck in that f-d up cycle all over again.  You are FREE right now.  You're just having euphoric recall....don't forget about all the bad parts.  All you have to do is get motivated.  You have no other struggles than motivation with work, right?  Life is good.  Don't forget that.

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Well I'm back here again, failed the semester, failed to quit, and now I can't graduate till next spring due to the fucking holding pattern of university's by only offering upper level classes annually... i was going on 4 weeks then relapsed today. It has to stop for good.. getting rediculous psychosis delusions that everything is about me and have terrible social anxiety. I've developed this idea of a parallel world purely emotional where real life takes place and everyone is communicating but I'm out of the loop because I'm weak and beat down from my drug use and that in this parallel emotional world I'm like a little beat up piece of crap and everyone is walking on me wherever I go like I can feel it. Yeah.. it sucks.. going to have to wait this out for, my guess, awhile.. can't believe I'm in this situation, the future is so daunting. I need to get societal demands taken care of to survive and somehow get my sanity back at the same time.. fuck me

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Sean, I totally know what you mean about this parallel universe concept, for me at my worst, I have this sneaking suspicion that the world as I know it has changed its predestined timeline, and entered into a reality where I am no longer a character.  Quantum Death Theory sorta nightmarish scenario. My part was written out. 

I lost my job of ten years a few months ago, we went out of business, and since then my whole identity has crumbled. Sitting at home with no car and lots of adderall did awful things to my psyche. I am still not convinced the above scenario DIDN'T happen. Used to be all these signs and synchronicity in my life, I was  once a part of it, an active player in my own life. I can't remember when that stopped. It's been years.

But maybe, it's not that I'm not a part of the world anymore, but that I've blinded myself to that inherent, ultranatural guidance system. Maybe the signs are there but I'm not seeing them because I am filled with doubt.  Maybe I'm paralyzed cuz there's too many possibilities, how do I choose? 

The best thing I can do for myself, is to start making decisions (small, mundane to BIG LIFE ALTERING) from the perspective of the person who isn't focused on the small immediate future, who can't see the forest cuz she's busy analyzing the bark on a tree. That person hasn't been helping THIS PERSON ( me, here, now) get her shit together THIS WHOLE TIME. 

However, everybody at their own pace. You will disappoint people, societal demands you may not meet, but when it comes down to what is real, those things will rise to meet you. People get it wrong when they try to contort their selves, their lives, to fit what they think are societal demands. I posit that if you "do you", work on yourself, better the man inside, make him as healthy as you can, the world then conforms to meet you, and bends to your will. 

I have yet to experience that, but I am still phase one, understanding the concept, attempting to become healthy. 

Godspeed.

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Wow.. I know exactly where you're coming from, it feels nice to know I'm not the only one. The synchronicity of the things I hear were driving me mad because there wasn't really a revolution so like what your saying I'm trying to blind myself to it and focus on the big picture and get myself as healthy as possible luckily I'm young and before the adderall was an athlete and always exercising so I'm just trying to resume that routine while finishing school and working but I'm getting hit with a long term relationship break up at in the midst of this.. one day at a time.. thank you for the support and encouragement 

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