LILTEX41

HOPE

12 posts in this topic

Hey all!  I just had an epiphany and thought I'd share.  This is to give hope to any of you struggling in your first year clean.

 

So I am almost 1 year sober (meaning no booze or any other drug for that matter).  This has literally been the most challenging year of my life as far as the amount of effort, time, and diligence I have had to put forth in order not to drink.  I found myself really disappointed the other day and freaked out by how close I came to drinking again.  For some reason I thought at a year out, this wouldn't be so hard still, but yet it is at times.  

 

I then started thinking about many of you and your struggles with adderall in the first year and how many of you feel like the mental suffering will never end and you are doomed.  This gave me hope!  Because I realize that I was once in your shoes and sometimes I have a hard time remembering feeling that hopeless at this point.  The good news is I do NOT feel that way anymore!!  Yes, it's been almost 6 years since I was hooked on adderall, but at LEAST I can tell you eventually it gets easier and then it's golden.  You don't have to think about it anymore.

 

So anyhow, this is what I am using as my hope for drinking.  I think if I give it another year or so, it will start being easier and I won't have to struggle with urges near as bad.  I guess when I look back and realize I spent a good 6 years hooked on adderall, booze, pot, smoking, and other drugs here and there it makes sense my brain is still somewhat conditioned to crave all these things for a good amount of time.  It literally is re-wiring your brain to be conditioned to make a new response when faced with stress or difficulty.  It feels like mission impossible at times.  But I know if no matter what happens, I make the goal as to remain sober #1, I can't dispute that when strong urges hit.  My addicted part of my brain will throw every excuse, rationalization, and reason as to why I should say, "F-it" and drink.  I just keep my #1 goal in mind and remember that the rational part of me knows no matter what bullshit lies it's telling me, I know deep in my heart that being sober is the BEST CHOICE for my life.  My life is a thousand times easier not dealing with all the problems induced by drugs and alcohol and if I go back, things will get incredibly screwed up again.

 

So my message today is here is some hope my dear friends and don't give up just yet!  There is a great life in store for all of us ahead!

 

<3 LT

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Lil Tex, you are amazing!! I admire you so much and you're such an inspiration to us all. xo

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Thank you so much for sharing LilTex!!!

 

I actually just came back from a meeting in which someone said that the 5 year mark brought on a bunch of cravings for him.  But he didn't give in.   I know that for me, it happened with adderall.  I relapsed after like 5 years.   I also knew someone with 25 years of sobriety who still almost took a drink right in front of me.   There is hope in remaining vigilant and aware.  And, I find lots of hope in helping new people on this site, and reading posts like yours.   I hope I can be like you someday.  And even when the thoughts of adderall come creeping in, I can still remind myself that it is no way to live!!!

 

We are all living hope.  Thank you for posting and keep on fighting the good fight!  You are my inspiration! <3 <3 <3

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Hi Lil Tex- thank you so much for sharing! I've been following this forum among so many others on this site and it has been extremely helpful for me. I need to take the time to sit down and write my story, it's certainly a long one, but it basically involves the past 20 years, in which I have had some really hard times of struggle followed by years (8) of sobriety only to end up in struggle yet again! I'm currently in a period of struggle and adderall and alcohol is the current "demise" of my choice, though I've basically suffered over the years from everything from heroin/opiod addiction (15yrs clean of heroin) to food addiction/eating disorders to adderall addiction and even exercise addiction (although that was part and parcel to the eating disorder).

Without going into too much my main concern right now is that I have never been a big "drinker" and never really cared for alcohol- but this time around on adderall (which has been about 16 months) I've started drinking pretty regularly 4-5/days a week and about 2-4 drinks/day some day less. I believe I started using alcohol to combat the edginess of the adderall. And this time around on adderall the doctor I seeing has ansolutely no problem raising my dose, and has prescribed 30mg 2/day. I absolutely do not want to go down this road anymore as I already know where it leads and is completely unsustainable.

I know I can quit- I've done it several times before, but this time I just keep relapsing. Things happen and I'll rationalize that in x days or x weeks I'll get through this situation and then be able to stop...you know how this goes! On and on the merry go round we addicts go.

I think for me, ultimatums are generally the best way to snap out of the vicious cycle, and right now my ultimatum I fear is that I am doing severe harm to my liver. I am so scared to get blood work, but know that I really need to take care of myself and my health, not just for me but for my husband and kids. (Aged 8 & 11). At the same time I'm also worried that if the results come back ok and show my liver function is good, I'll not stop and continue using because my brain will talk me into it!!! And there's the hilarity of this situation-and just how crazy your mind becomes when it's addicted. I

My main question beyond simply sharing this and seeking support from those here in recovery or attempting recovery, is this:

1. How many years did you take adderall and drink heavily?

AND

2. When you finally quit did have your liver/kidneys checked?

Thank you to all for being here on this forum, reading these posts, and contributing. It really means so much to have a place to talk about these se in confiden. and with those who truly understand...so can't say thank you enough. I hope to

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I drank heavily at times on adderall (Total 9 Years on them) plus was taking opioids and Xanax last two years. I had blood work done after I quit and thankfully everything came out OK.

 Definitely try to quit now the longer your on this stuff harder it is to quit. Best step is start attending NA or AA meetings if you've been down the road to addiction you probably already know the benefits. Although this is prescribed by a doctor its still a bitch to quit your basically taking low dosses of meth everyday to function and actually 60mg is pretty high for a woman of avg size so beware. I personally never had success quitting this cold turkey but I did opioids if that tells you anything. I know many people on here have stopped cold turkey with success so Im not knocking that route either. But if you keep trying cold turkey and coming up short a real step down plan shared with your doctor is a great way too go. If your current doctor disagrees find a new one obviously he has other motives to keep you hooked. Good luck!

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Thank you Frank for commenting. I totally agree with you on what you said. First off I think I need to get a support system going. Because of my past drug abuse history I've not wanted to let my husband and family down, so they don't know I'm even taking adderall right now, none the less that I have a problem with it. I've kept thinking to myself if I just stop then I can keep the secret and not have to hurt anyone. Only problem is I'm hurting myself in the process here.

And that's definitely reassuring that you were ok after 9years, that's really awesome. I keep going through these stupid boughts of paranoia that the whites of my eyes are turning yellow and that my stomach is bloated- in my mind a sure sign of liver inflammation/disease. So it's crazy that even with that self inflicted fear and paranoia that I can't stop and stay off this stuff!

The taper method was how I kicked opiods- I ended up having to get on methadone, and eventually tapers from that- and that was really rough. About a month of mild flu like symptoms. My only saving grace was I started training for a triathlon and the endorphins from the exercise were the only thing that made me feel halfway decent.

This time around I'm older and busier and working about 50-55 hrs a week and don't have the luxury of exercising 1-2hrs a day. And am pretty sure exercise is the last thing you can do in the initial stages of withdrawal from adderall. Sleeping and eating is about all I can muster for at least 3-5 days post last dose of adderall.

So I know I want to quit, I guess I need to seriously sit down and be completely honest with myself and family and go from there.

Thanks again for the support and advice. I appreciate it!!

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Glad I could help don't be ashamed of this you were prescribed something you should not have been in the first place you can do this!

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Thank you so much for sharing LilTex!!!

 

I actually just came back from a meeting in which someone said that the 5 year mark brought on a bunch of cravings for him.  But he didn't give in.   I know that for me, it happened with adderall.  I relapsed after like 5 years.   I also knew someone with 25 years of sobriety who still almost took a drink right in front of me.   There is hope in remaining vigilant and aware.  And, I find lots of hope in helping new people on this site, and reading posts like yours.   I hope I can be like you someday.  And even when the thoughts of adderall come creeping in, I can still remind myself that it is no way to live!!!

 

We are all living hope.  Thank you for posting and keep on fighting the good fight!  You are my inspiration! <3 <3 <3

Isn't that crazy?!  25 years!!  I have a friend with around the same amount of time...maybe 20 or so and says he still has the "a drink sounds good" craving now and then.  At least it's helpful to realize not to expect it to just disappear entirely.  But it has gotten easier.  I've noticed if I surround myself with people who are sober it's nowhere near as hard than if I am around people raving on and about their drinking and how great it is.  

 

You are mine too!!!  It sure does help to have people on your side sharing the same struggles and fight!  Thank you for everything you contribute to this site!!  Big (((hugs)))!!

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My main question beyond simply sharing this and seeking support from those here in recovery or attempting recovery, is this:

1. How many years did you take adderall and drink heavily?

AND

2. When you finally quit did have your liver/kidneys checked?

Thank you to all for being here on this forum, reading these posts, and contributing. It really means so much to have a place to talk about these se in confiden. and with those who truly understand...so can't say thank you enough. I hope to

Hi amh!  Thanks so much for your post. Yes, would love to hear your story. :)

 

To answer your questions, I took adderall and drank heavily for a total of 6 years.  I did not ever have my liver/kidneys checked. I am pretty sure my health is good to go now as I've exercised like an insane person for the past 6 years.  I may've had some issues back then when I first quit though.  Not sure exactly.

 

Now back to your current story.  Yes, I know exactly what you mean by the merry go round.  I have a few Smart tools off hand that could be helpful.  These are from the website.  Might help you figure out a roadmap of where you'd like to go.  :)

 

http://www.smartrecovery.org/resources/library/Articles_and_Essays/Stages_of_Change/stages_of_change.htm

 

 

The Stages of Change

FAQ's

 

1) PRECONTEMPLATION STAGE

"It isn't that we cannot see the solution. It's that we cannot see the problem."

Precontemplators usually show up in therapy because of pressures from others… spouses, employers, parents, and courts… Resist change. When their problem comes up, they change the topic of conversation. They place responsibility for their problems on factors such as genetic makeup, addition, family, society, destiny, the police, etc. They feel the situation is HOPELESS.

 

2) CONTEMPLATION STAGE

"I want to stop feeling so stuck!"

Contemplators acknowledge that they have a problem and begin to think about solving it. Contemplators struggle to understand their problems, to see its causes, and wonder about possible solutions. Many contemplators have indefinite plans to take action within the next few months.

"You know your destination, and even how to get there, but you're not ready to go."

It is not uncommon for contemplators to tell themselves that some day they are going to change. When contemplators transition to the preparation stage of change, their thinking is clearly marked by two changes. First, they begin to think more about the future than the past.

The end of contemplation stage is a time of ANTICIPATION, ACTIVITY, ANXIETY, and EXCITEMENT.

 

3) PREPARATION STAGE

Most people in the preparation stage are planning to take action and are making the final adjustments before they begin to change their behavior. Have not yet resolved their AMBIVALENCE. Still need a little convincing.

 

4) ACTION STAGE

Stage where people overtly modify their behavior and their surroundings. Make the move for which they have been preparing. Requires the greatest commitment of time and energy.

CHANGE IS MORE VISIBLE TO OTHERS.

 

5) MAINTENANCE STAGE

Change never ends with action. Without a strong commitment to maintenance, there will surely be relapse, usually to precontemplation or contemplation stage.

 

The Stages of Change for Addiction Recovery

Most successful self-changers go through the stages three or four times before they make it through the cycle of change without at least one slip. Most will return to the contemplation stage of change. Slips give us the opportunity to learn.

 

 

http://www.smartrecovery.org/resources/library/Tools_and_Homework/Facilitators_Handout/Change_Plan_Worksheet.pdf

 

Change-Plan Worksheet

Changes I want to make:

How important is it to me to make these changes? (1-10 scale)

How confident am I that I can make these changes? (1-10 scale)

 

The most important reasons I want to make these changes are:

 

The steps I plan to take in changing are:

 

How other people can help me: Person Kind of help

 

I will know my plan is working when:

 

Some things that could interfere with my plan are:

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i realy should quit drinking because being drunk is always when i get the worst addy cravings.  but its tough because its everywhere, and having a few beers is so easy to justify to yourself

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i realy should quit drinking because being drunk is always when i get the worst addy cravings. but its tough because its everywhere, and having a few beers is so easy to justify to yourself

For sure Doge don't risk it stop drinking.

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