Shambo

Been a while.

4 posts in this topic

6 years. My youngest child will be 7 soon. He's only known me as an addict. I've only known him as a need to be handled, then quickly moving on to what's next on my list, and that applies to my other kids as well. I think about that a lot. Month after month I choose adderall over my family. The huge weight of guilt and shame seem to drive me deeper and hopelessness, once it took root has proven impossible to fight.

I've posted many "this is it", "I'm calling my dr" posts. But addiction runs deep and it's clever and it rages on. The last year I resorted to filling capsules with meth and took it daily for over a year. It was wonderful to finally be free of the two weeks on and two weeks off cycle. That wonderful solution didn't last long before turning into overwhelming fear of running out. I was convinced I'd kill myself from depression. I ended up trying, not succeeding and spending a week in a psych ward. It's been 4 months since I ran out & finally closed that INSANE chapter. No one knew what I was doing but my spouse and my supplier. I didn't stay up for days. I'd fall asleep without aid every night around 2am & get up every morning and do it all again. I'm sure my adrenals are toast. Towards the end I gained 10 lbs. Who gains weight on an adderall/meth diet? And sleeps? Who cares. That's over and I'm back to adderall only and killing it in a week. The other three weeks I take vitamins and Wellbutrin and do yoga and come alive. It's ok- wonderful even. I have no point really. I'm an addict. Adderall started out as the answer to my prayers. I don't drink and until the meth episode, hadn't been tempted to take anything else. It made me super for a little while but I've been a slave for years. I'm the woman in line behind you at WholeFoods. I'm chalk painting shit & going on field trips and listening to Joel Osteen on xm in the car line. My husband makes 6 figures and I have all my teeth. We go to church. I hide behind that shit. Cause really I'm a fucking loser playing a housewife. I need honesty. I need clarity. I know I'm dramatic. I'm sure this has an obnoxious tone because addiction has made everything about ME and my problem..... I guess I needed to do my yearly post and whine a bit. I love this site and subscribe to the forum. The work you guys put into replying day in and day out in addition to the work you put into life and recovery- it's gives people hope that beating this shit is possible.

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Thanks Lil. I don't understand the idea of being gentle or kind to myself when I'm choosing my wants and desires at the expense of my children and husband and life. How can I do that when I'm not on the other side of it? It baffles me that anyone would read my post and think I should be nice to myself. I'm a freaking mom. I am responsible for the emotional and physical health of my kids (each of which was planned) & I bring them into the world and check the fuck out. Yeah I have tons of self loathing but obviously not enough to stop. I'm spinning my wheels here. This is just another "running out today" post.

6 years sober- I can't imagine. That's huge. I read your story years ago and there are similarities. I hope I don't come off as attacking you with my response. Today isn't a good day for me either OBVIOUSLY. I'll try to pop in next week after I'm done crashing and not in such a pity party crappy mood. Enjoy the rest of your weekend.

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6 years. My youngest child will be 7 soon. He's only known me as an addict. I've only known him as a need to be handled, then quickly moving on to what's next on my list, and that applies to my other kids as well. I think about that a lot. Month after month I choose adderall over my family. The huge weight of guilt and shame seem to drive me deeper and hopelessness, once it took root has proven impossible to fight.

I've posted many "this is it", "I'm calling my dr" posts. But addiction runs deep and it's clever and it rages on. The last year I resorted to filling capsules with meth and took it daily for over a year. It was wonderful to finally be free of the two weeks on and two weeks off cycle. That wonderful solution didn't last long before turning into overwhelming fear of running out. I was convinced I'd kill myself from depression. I ended up trying, not succeeding and spending a week in a psych ward. It's been 4 months since I ran out & finally closed that INSANE chapter. No one knew what I was doing but my spouse and my supplier. I didn't stay up for days. I'd fall asleep without aid every night around 2am & get up every morning and do it all again. I'm sure my adrenals are toast. Towards the end I gained 10 lbs. Who gains weight on an adderall/meth diet? And sleeps? Who cares. That's over and I'm back to adderall only and killing it in a week. The other three weeks I take vitamins and Wellbutrin and do yoga and come alive. It's ok- wonderful even. I have no point really. I'm an addict. Adderall started out as the answer to my prayers. I don't drink and until the meth episode, hadn't been tempted to take anything else. It made me super for a little while but I've been a slave for years. I'm the woman in line behind you at WholeFoods. I'm chalk painting shit & going on field trips and listening to Joel Osteen on xm in the car line. My husband makes 6 figures and I have all my teeth. We go to church. I hide behind that shit. Cause really I'm a fucking loser playing a housewife. I need honesty. I need clarity. I know I'm dramatic. I'm sure this has an obnoxious tone because addiction has made everything about ME and my problem..... I guess I needed to do my yearly post and whine a bit. I love this site and subscribe to the forum. The work you guys put into replying day in and day out in addition to the work you put into life and recovery- it's gives people hope that beating this shit is possible.

 

Edit.  Glad you are here and wish you the best. 

 

It gets better.  :)

 

Lil Tex

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