amh0624

here again wtf

7 posts in this topic

So I'm really down right now. I went an entire week without adderall, and relapsed (yesterday) and it never fails. I literally get a script and immediately start popping adderall like candy which ultimately leads to a very edgy feeling that drives me to drink alcohol in large quantities. And here I am on a Sunday night up at 2:30 am after a long day on addy and an evening of heavy drinking- still can't sleep and I have to work tomorrow bright and early.

What the hell am I doing? I can't live like this and I know it. My 11yr old son even told me this evening that, mom, I think you've had plenty enough to drink. WTF! This is not the mom I want them to know me or remember me by. I really must look like a crazy person on the outside, if my kids are even noticing.

I need help. This path I'm heading down only leads to complete missry and utter destruction...yet I can't bring myself to dump the last few pills I have. HELP! What should I do and how can I successfully get off this merry go round? I'm pretty sure complete sobriety is going to be the only way for me.

Alcohol is also killing me, mainly because after about 2-3 drinks I'm feeling pretty good and all judgement goes flying out the window. It's like a totally different person appears when I drink...a person only focused on partying as hard as humanly possible.

I want to be a good person, one that volunteers and helps others and most importantly I want to have my kids look up to me and say later than their mom cared and mostly tried to do the right thing. Not that there mom is a sloppy drunk party animal.

I know where I want to be, and it is not here, tweeked out and starting to feel a hangover from drinking a ton till 11pm.

So what do I do? Where do it start? I can't live like this and I know it. So essentially what would y'all do, quit it all cold turkey or start by stopping the alcohol and then taper back down the addy???

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm sorry to hear how you're feeling. It is pretty much exactly the way I was. I always promised that I would cut down, this would be the last script, I would control it, I wouldn't drink so much, and that it would be different. I pretty much knew the way I used was a problem from the very beginning but the consequences weren't yet bad enough for me to quit. I pretty much had to lose everything, my relationship, my friends, the only thing I had left was my job and I was basically just popping pills all day there like a robot. I'd get home and drink myself into oblivion to take away the anxiety. Wake up the next day, feel like shit, and do it all over again. Our stories all seem to be very similar. Unfortunately the only way I was able to quit was by going to rehab because I just couldn't do it on my own. Best decision I ever made. I'm about 5 and a half months clean now, and while I'm grateful to be off of it, I am struggling. I go to NA and that helps. I would recommend checking out their meetings if you haven't already. And if it comes down to it, don't put rehab out of being a possibility. I never thought I would end up there but for me it was either that or pretty much my using and drinking was going to kill me. Good luck and keep us posted. It's tough getting of this but it can be done and there's a lot of evidence of that on this website.

2 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Damn just realized I didn't even answer your original question lol. I think cold turkey is the best way. Using always seems to lead to just wanting more which I think makes tapering hard. Some people are able to taper down though.

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

If you can cold turkey then go for it. Taper down otherwise.

Why do you take it though? You're getting something out of it, maybe not apparent when glancin at your situation superficially, but if you reflect on this for a while you may come to some startling realizations about why you take it.

I did get "high" when I took mine, but that was never the end goal. Discovering the core reasons you take it can help. I cold turkeyed 2ish years of taking it almost daily, ending towards dangerously high doses of 150-180? my per day.

The fact that you realize you have a problem is an important step. Don't beat yourself up, your internal dialogue and self-talk makes a world of difference. When you fail, talk lovingly to yourself and accept that you're fallible, like everybody else.

As for wanting to be a good person, forget that. You ARE a good person. Your heart and your motives are in the right place, even if the outcomes you achieve aren't quite there yet. Now work on manifesting this internal you into your external world.

2 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I quit cold turkey and went to detox.  I doubt you need detox (I was on a bender of adderall, pot, and alcohol for like 5 days straight) and didn't sleep.  Anyhow, when I got out of detox I called my doctor's office and spoke with a nurse.  I told her to leave a note for my doctor to never prescribe it to me again and that I was addicted.  At that time, I really wanted to build a sober support group so I started going to AA meetings in town.  I am someone who had to quit everything as I struggled with alcohol and had done other drugs too.  I had been sober before and after debating it for years and years I knew it was the best option. There is no risk involved and no trying to worry about controlling it.  I was too vulnerable under the influence and would make terrible decisions at times.  I knew that I'd had so many close calls and one day I wasn't going to be so lucky.  I'd also been sober in the past at various points in my life and the amount of success I found in sobriety always drove me wanting to get it back.  I just couldn't seem to ever get anywhere good under the influence of drugs and alcohol.  They destroyed so much of my life I was just sick of it.  I wanted to do some cool shit with my life and decided enough was enough.

 

Anyhow, I also found Smart Recovery online at the time.  There was only 1 face to face meeting in Houston so I'd drive all the way downtown and go to it once a week.  After I got involved in AA more I realized it was never going to work for me as it never had for any long amount of time.  I decided to just stick with Smart and utilized the crap out of the online program and chat.  I also got involved with a bunch of different biking, running, and triathlon groups.  I met a whole new set of healthy people.  I started going to different churches in the area and met new friends there as well.  I took Smart's advice and tried to fill in the holes of my life that were consumed by alcohol/drugs and lead a healthy balanced lifestyle.  I quit my supervisor position and went to night shift in order to reduce my stress from work while trying to work through all of this nightmare.  I did a TON of exercise and I saw a therapist for a little bit.  I felt amazing.  I was genuinely HAPPIER than I'd been in YEARS.  I did a TON of races and took Smart Facilitator training to start a meeting in our area.  

 

It took a good year before I stopped always wishing I had some adderall when I to do basic stuff like laundry or clean.  Oh and for the first 3 months I was drugged up on a cocktail of sedatives.  I was tranquilized and I slept insane amounts.  I was so ready to be off that crap after 3 months I weaned off and then that's when I got my life back and got so involved in all kinds of stuff.

 

So there it is.  That's what worked for me.  IF I had to do it all over again, I'd say quit that shit cold turkey, and round up your troops (family) to support you.  Call the doctor.  Get involved in some sort of support group (this website is great), but face to face is great too.  Learn as many tools as you can that you can use when urges strike and be prepared that they will strike.  KNOW that you need to have a preventative game plan in mind ahead of time.  Read as many books as you can and try to find other endeavors that you enjoy and can pursue to fill in the void of your addiction.  You have to find something to replace it that is positive and will give you something to look forward to and enjoy.  Life is so much better without hangovers, regret, shame, and feeling trapped by life destroying poisons.  Look inward and get excited that once you have all this junk out of your life, you can become and do anything you want in life.  You will be blessed for having gone through this struggle and appreciate all the good times so much more once you are over the hump of missing toxic substances!

 

Stay close to the board and keep us posted on your progress!

 

You CAN DO THIS!  

3 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
10 hours ago, Emmilita said:

This might seem like a weird question, but how do people afford rehab!?

 

I just posted about this under Inervention in the misc category. It's sad most insurance companies pay very little if anything for rehab. I spent $1200 just to do a local outpatient rehab course which I ended after two months because I could not afford to go any further. If you have health insurance you might check you could be lucky and they will pay for it. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!


Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.


Sign In Now