Emmilita

I think I misplaced my spine

3 posts in this topic

My bones are tired.  My brain is tired.  My heart is tired.  My emotions are exhausting.  I started drinking at a young age and was introduced to Adderall around 15 years old at the perfect time that my parents were separating, going through awkward teen years with little support, getting straight As, playing on multiple soccer teams, keeping a part time job, and always striving for perfection.  A perfect mix of OCD, intelligence, the need to strive for perfection and acceptance with the most extreme sensitivity.  Fast forward to 31 years old weighing 125 pounds (I believe 100 pounds of that is the weight of the world on my shoulders), 16 years of taking adderall, 4 years of being prescribed 3, 20mg non time release tabs a day, ambien, xanax, prozac, and just to add a little something extra...birth control.

I have a tedious, detail oriented job where I am greatly depended on to perform well and manage a lot of people.  I have withdrawn my friends, everything is a task to be completed not enjoyed, and I still don't want to quit.  Don't get me wrong.  Part of me wants to flee the country and not have responsibility, live in a shack on the beach, and sell popsicles because at this point I feel like that's the only way that I can function drug free.  There are so many positive aspects to adderall that help me greatly, but the depression and lack of interest rears its ugly head as well.

Another pseudo positive aspect of adderall is it allows me to just deaden myself to put all of my energy into something that I don't really care about and ignore negative emotions, unbalanced relationships, things that I would rather overlook than deal with.  I know this is a pitiful thing to say.  I have lived with my boyfriend for years, and he HATES adderall.   I get quite, serious, and productive on it, easily annoyed, kind of boring.  All the things a parter would hate; however, the thing that kills me is how he deals with it.  It is always a lecture and always seems to be about how it negatively affects him...as if I just love this position that I have gotten myself into.  I now lie to him about how much adderall I take because there's no helpful tips or concern, it's just judgment and lecturing.  And.....the more this happens and the more I put pressure on myself to try to quit taking adderall, the more that I take.  I just wish that I had that drive naturally.  I don't want to have to take a pill to be productive and be able to complete assignments, meet deadlines, pay attention to what people are saying to me.  I am so lost and tired.  I think my spine has shriveled up and my shoulders now touch my ears.  Then, there's the shame.  I have so much shame which doesn't help with the boyfriend judgment. 

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I'm surprised at 16 years of use it still works for you. Most on here like myself seem to have a big crash at 8-10 year mark. Its a very tough choice espically in your situation being a person who manages others. The truth is you may very well fail at your job and that's a scary reality. Also what's scary is no one even the boyfriend breathing down your neck will fully understand when you quit why you can't simply bounce back to normal after a few weeks. But the big thing you need to ask yourself are you happy now? Is keeping this high stress job damaging your body and mind worth it? You've been on overdrive for 16 years I doubt your body can do it another 16 without major health issues arising. That's one of the main reasons I quit. Do I miss the never ending energy never wanting a nap , sleeping very little, never stopping for a meal? Hell yeah I do! Do I miss blowing up on my family, customers and myself constantly? No . You know on adderal I would get some bummed out when someone died and I had to attend a funeral. Not because I was sad it's because I knew majority of that day I could not work! How fucked up is that? But that's what this drug does to us makes us emotionless work zombies. I hope you decide to do this personally I failed at cold turkey but when I set a deadline with the step down method it worked. Since you've been on it so long that might be your best route you'll also need to kick those sleeping pills and you must step those down can't do a cold turkey safely. I was on 60mg addy for around 10 yrs also taking Xanax and pain meds for the last 2-3 yrs on top of it. I recall staying up for two days working on projects drinking taking pain meds then finally want to sleep so took some Xanax. Most often when the Xanax hit I never really knew if I'd wake up I was very lucky how most celebrities overdosed.  I've quit them all for over a year now if I can do it anybody can. 

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On 12/23/2016 at 2:13 AM, Emmilita said:

everything is a task to be completed not enjoyed

Yes!!!  I feel the same way.  Every single thing I do is a task to get through and when I'm doing one task, I'm thinking bout other things I could/should be doing instead.  I'm finally getting serious about quitting...I hope. 

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