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positivethoughts

One Year

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Hello All. I'm very happy to say that it's been one full year since I quit. I had spent two years taking 70mg vyvanse daily, and I was finally able to quit one year ago today. I wish I could say, "it feels like yesterday" that I flushed a decent sized (and expensive) stash down the toilet, but it doesn't. It's been a very long year with some very long nights and days. But in that time I finished a one year MBA program, got a new job, got a promotion, got engaged, and am now working on starting a side business as well. But more importantly, I feel better, and I feel human again. For a solid 8 months I felt very little, I was emotionless and nihilistic. After that, I began to feel normal in the sense that appropriate emotions began to return to me. I don't know if everyone here would agree with me on this, but my theory is that we were so used to feeling confident, invincible and artificially happy from adderall/vyvanse, that we all forgot what real emotions were supposed to feel like, and when we were supposed to feel them. And, at least for me, I wasn't very good at handling them as they slowly began to return back to me. When things aren't going well, or you are bored, you are supposed to feel uneasy and anxious, and when you're scared it's supposed to be terrifying. So, that is why I say I feel human in the sense that I now feel appropriate emotions - sadness comes when I should feel sad, anxiety hits when I am uneasy or bored, as it should. And the best part is, that happiness comes when I should feel happy. And finally, I am able to get back to finding and doing those things. I remember reading other posts when I had first quit where some people were saying they were a year+ clean and still didn't feel 100% - this terrified me at the time. I now understand what they meant, only I would say, at one year clean, that I do in fact feel 100%, I just don't feel 150% like when I was on vyvanse - and I am very happy with that. I know it is cliche to say, but I am stronger from this whole ordeal. I feel I have a better grasp on life, on what I want to do with it, what things I really care about. If I could pass one thing along to try and help those that are struggling, remember that much of this recovery process is a function of time. You may be terrified of the notion, "I will not ever be back to normal. What if I don't recover fully", but I assure you, give it another day, another month, another year. You will not feel this way forever, it just might be a little longer than you want it to be. But that's ok, it's about time we all re-learned what it feels like to be impatient :)

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Congrats on one year down positivethoughts! What a great message in regard to emotions, how you should be feelings things and aware/connected. I don't take adderall but my ex did, and I still visit this forum just to help myself through the breakup. Your post made me smile and it's inspiring to hear everyone's stories and experiences. This forum is an amazing community. Congrats again!! :) 

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