Hope you guys going through recovery can undertake this

[Bubbagump99]

Idk if it will post me let this page, but for god dang this speaks to me. 

[LILTEX41]

I needed to hear this today so thank you!

[Rachel]

I am 45 days clean today and I am DYING. All I want to do is go back and use Adderall, but I am in a program and have a lot of roadblocks in place so I don't. I miss the feeling it gave me SO much. I hardly have any desire to do anything, even ride my horse, and I love him more than anything. I have ADHD, and am being prescribed Strattera right now...it's awful, and makes me ten times more depressed. I am worried I won't be able to get treated for my ADHD at all anymore, due to my abuse of Adderall. I am in so much fear, and absolutely miserable. I don't think I can take it much longer...I felt so much better when I was on Adderall. I would appreciate any help, I don't know anyone else that is addicted to this drug, most of the people in my program use opiates and drink.

[Cheeri0]

Hi Rachel, so sorry to hear you're struggling. I can relate to your comment in a bunch of ways.

1) It sounds like you're doing something in-patient (which is great!). I'm working an outpatient program, mostly NA. It's definitely helping, but 90 percent of the people I meet are drinkers/opiate addicts, much like your experience. I do believe there is a certain thread that ties all addicts together, and that we can gain a lot listening to each other's stories regardless of our drug of choice. However, the whole point of "group" is to be with a group of people with a similar story to your own, and it can be a bummer to find that everyone else in the circle is connecting in a specific way you have trouble relating to, and that they might not understand your struggles. It can be alienating. I found it helpful to remind myself that I'm not any better than they are just because a doctor told me I "needed" my pills, and I also found it helpful to focus on the similarities in our stories, not just the differences. Also, I think it's best to be super honest with everyone in your group about your drug of choice, you might find that quite a few of them can relate to amphetamine issues at one point or another even if it wasn't their main problem.

2) The strattera. Lord, how I loathed that drug. I lost 3 months worth of adderall scripts once a few years back (the horror) and my doctor refused to print me replacements. She put me on strattera for the 3 month time period, and they were some of the weirdest months of my life. I've been on SSRIs, Benzos, and Uppers... and nothing made me feel as strange as strattera did. Granted, this could just be my personal experience, maybe my dosage was super high or something... but if possible I strongly recommend trying to deal with your ADHD symptoms cold turkey while you're in early recovery. Maybe try to utilize this down time to reclaim your natural brain chemistry while you have few responsibilities.

3) Wondering if you'll ever be able to handle your ADHD symptoms. This has been a big one for me recently. I've come to the conclusion that I think it's possible to both be ADHD and an Addict at the same time. If you realize that you are BOTH of these things, the adderall catch-22 is a frustrating reality. I think acceptance is the only thing that can get you over that hump. Acceptance and a lot of creativity/patience in searching for methods that work for you in dealing with your focus challenges. The motivation will come back if you give it time, I promise. At 45 days I was still a vegetable. I'm at 6 months now and already feeling loads better. But that feeling of being scattered... I don't know if that one ever goes away. That might just be who we are and learning to cope with it may take decades or be a lifelong battle. But you know what? Everyone has lifelong battles with themselves. As long as we can manage, and just "scrape by" for a little while, I'm optimistic that eventually we'll learn to deal with ourselves the way others/non-addicts have to face their own character flaws.

Hope we can all figure these things out together! Best of luck to you

[Rachel]

Cheeri0 thank you SO much for your reply, I really needed to hear that. You are right, I need to look for the similarities, I am not unique in this...and thank GOD for that. In my outpatient program, there are a couple meth users I can really relate to. I just seemed to hit this enormous bottom a couple weeks ago, and just got stuck in myself. These last few days have been spent obsessing over Adderall and how much I want it. Thankfully I found this forum, because I was on my way to relapse. I'm still not entirely over the hump, but I know I won't use tonight. 

I see my psych on Tuesday, and I am telling her NO MORE Strattera. I am also on Wellbutrin for depression, but it hasn't done much in the way of help. I have no idea what other choices I have. Concerta with heavy supervision was mentioned, but I'm not sure if that was for further down the road. 

A part of me wants to do away with the medication all together, and the other part wants to go back to what I know. However, there isn't a doctor alive that would prescribe it again. I took so much that I ended up in a 2 day hallucination/psychosis. I was 5150'd and spent 3 days in a psych ward. And I still think I can take the stuff without abusing it...crazy, huh? 

This disease is cunning, baffling, and powerful like they say. I stopped drinking over ten years ago with the help of a 30 day inpatient rehab and have never looked back; I don't crave it at all, in fact the thought of it makes me sick. But Adderall? Oh no, I am still harboring the hope I can go back to taking it normally. 

It is very hard to imagine life without it.

Everything you say is 100 percent true. A happy and fulfilling life can be led off of Adderall, people are doing it all over! I just have to be parient, and being an addict/alcoholic with ADHD, that is very difficult to do. :-)

Acceptance is key--you are so right. I am in the admitting phase right now...I know everything I did, and that Adderall isn't good for me, but it isn't sitting well. 

Take care, and I hope we can chat more.

[roxbury27]

I just logged back on for the first time in 4 years. I'm telling you, push through. I was sober for like 6-8 months once and for whatever reason, just when I started to feel better, which was by no means to say functional..l just better, I went back. And I'm still here. It will be hard for months. Probably closer to 18 months.... before you are back, depending on how long you've been going for. You will feel personality-less, have zero energy, or motivation to do anything, not even the basics, and have no interest. But remember you are not you on Adderall...you are someone else. All your drive, ambition, thoughts..its altered/warped. You...the sober, unadulterated, you is the best you.  Even you as you are now is closer to the real you than the adderall you is. I've been at it for over a decade, so believe me. I don't know who I am off it and it gets scarier having to face that fact every time I try to quit. Especially since I was on it all through college... Adderall me loved chemistry... I fucking hate chemistry, yet here I am with a BS in the shit. I spent thousands on craft and sewing supplies for a "crafting room". I don't fucking craft! Push through it now. Push through it later and you'll just be that much farther down someone else's rabbit hole. 

[Rachel]

Thank you Roxbury. "Down the rabbit hole" is a great way to describe what happens to all of us. Luckily, I didn't start anything new, and actually got out of a lot of bad relationships that led me to a wonderful man that I'm going to marry. However, it took the bad guys having to leave me. If they didn't, I most certainly would have stayed and my life would be over. 

When I was using I would spend hours doing useless things, like scribbling in numerous notebooks...just utter nonsense. 

I am on the brink, as crazy as it sounds. Even after the psychosis and being 5150'd. I feel like I wouldn't abuse it now, but that could be the addict talking. My ADHD is being treated with Strattera right now, and it's not working. Hopefully tomorrow we can find a better solution that is safe. 

I hope I make it. Thankfully I don't have easy access to this stuff. This forum is helping me big time.