Sign in to follow this  
Followers 0
roxbury27

4 years 2 months later...

7 posts in this topic

And I am still in the exact same fucking spot. I ended up crawling back to adderall...repeating the same mistakes at my "dream" job....got fired. Found another, higher paying job doing practically the same thing...didn't change and was fired. Now I'm back to square one, unemployed and an addict. Crazy. I find it funny that I was having the same exact realization this morning that I blogged about in my first post, Quitting Adderall Day 1. I was thinking how I'll just save the adderall until I get a job...I know I will have zero motivation and intense anxiety if I ditch it now.  Or direction of what I want to do... I know whatever adderal makes me feel like pursuing won't be real, it won't actually come from within but at least it's direction, however, false it may be. I have been trying to kick it over the last 4 years. I'd stop for periods of time. My longest stretch lasting 6-8 months. Funny backstory there, I actually did call my doctor to admit I had a problem taking it as prescribed...but then once the addiction started whispering in my ears again, it was as simple as a 5-minute office visit to get it back again and at twice the original strength...I shit you not.

Her: So, you were on 40mg a day, is that right?

Me: (It was 20 mg a day...?) Uhhhhhh, yeah! 

I even got caught double scripting at one point. You would think there would be some flag for me but no. After a couple months of nursing my shame and humiliation, I got the courage to get up and try again at a different clinic. And what can I say, perseverance really does pay. I got my script back!

I will say, my consumption is not nearly as bad as it was in college or even the first couple years after graduating. So that's something.... I will be back for more updates. 

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Sorry to hear about your relapse. I'm at 6 months and it's been whispering to me too... I really needed to read your post this morning. I was on it for 7 years and it took me 4 of trying to quit for it to stick longer than a week. So the fact that you've quit multiple times already is a sign that you can do it again. Something about this disease is telling me that if I can kick it for 6 months that maybe I'm okay now... maybe I can take it like prescribed now and reap benefits. But being vigilant about reminding ourselves how bad it was and how far we fell is the only way to climb. Welcome back. Take it easy on yourself today. Give yourself permission to relax a little and take care of yourself. Even if you feel like shit right now I promise you deserve it.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I remember your first post and how you made an ass out of yourself and then got fired.  I have often wondered how you were doing.  Your story impressed me - maybe you could repost some of the earlier details or original post?  It takes a lot of courage to come back here and try again to kick this awful addiction.  Keep trying to quit and at some point your will succeed.

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Well... it's over a year later. I was on and off again but finally, I called my doctor and told him I abuse it and to flag me for amphetamine abuse. I could never stay away for longer than a few months. My brother died in October of 2016- opiates.  I went on a bender of drinking and taking adderall. I was a mess at work and made mistakes that got me fired a month later. I didn't stop at first bc it made me feel weirdly closer to him when I'd take it and get fucked up. We always used to take it and get excited when we'd refill. LIke two kids on a Christmas morning.  After a couple months of abusing myself, I decided I could make his death worth something to myself by quitting and stayed sober. Soon after I met with a therapist and made the phone call to my doctor. I was flagged for amphetamine abuse this time and I am scheduled to see him next week to discuss. Still preparing myself for that talk. I am very embarrassed. I went to him several times with complaints of chest pain and anxiety hoping he would just stop prescribing but that never happened. I am afraid of being off it. I don't know who I am without it. But it's time...11 years is long enough. 

5 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Obviously, I am on it now...I'm only ever on this site when I'm on it. But It's my last. I saved enough to help cushion the crash for the week and then it's goodbye. I feel weirdly blank about it. When I really focus and dig, it feels vaguely like fear. But I think it's too soon to lift the lid off that box just yet. I'll try to motivate myself to check back in since it's going to be my first final quit.  

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

that was a very courageous thing you did, flagging yourself for abuse. you did the thing that many of us (even I) were too scared to do. if you can do this, then you can absolutely turn your life around.

definitely keep checking in here. i know its especially difficult in the beginning- you barely have the motivation to get out of bed much less track your progress on a site, but it absolutely helps. it's a constant reminder of the pain adderall brings, but also for the sense of community- because you are not alone.

what are your plans for the next few months? do you have a place to stay and just focus on recovery?

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!


Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.


Sign In Now
Sign in to follow this  
Followers 0