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NotToday

Regrets

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I'm curious if anyone else is struggling with regrets. As much as I know that this does not serve me, and that there's nothing I can do to change it, I can't help but get caught up in it sometimes. The main things I'm struggling with are a ruined relationship (he's seeing someone else now, and it kills me, and the damage I've done to my teeth (2 root canals, 3 crowns). Need some cosmetic work done from all the grinding, but I just cannot afford it right now and I'm so self conscious about it.  As much as some days I do feel overwhelmed with gratitude for having gotten off that evil f*cking drug, other days I can't help but just cry. Ugh sorry for the negative post, I suppose I just needed to vent. I know the only way to get through this is to go through it- one day at a time.

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I definitely struggle with regrets daily (before and after Adderall but especiallyyyy after I started taking Adderall haha) so you are NOT alone. 

 I regret procrastinating like I have for almost 2 years now and am no where NEAR where I should be career wise.

I regret letting it strain my relationship. (thankfully my girlfriend has a big heart and is helping me through all this.)

I regret becoming a zombie-esque detached asshole in all aspects of my life... even to my dogs. I didn't give them the same attention I used to cause I was too busy procrastinating on the computer or cleaning or some other bullshit. 

I could go on and on, but the past is in the past and I do NOT like who I am on Adderall...it's not even who I actually am! 

Keep going day by day, slowly the old parts of yourself that you've forgotten will slowly emerge and that will be a MUCH better feeling than getting high. Keep your chin up, you got this!

 

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I'm dealing with a bunch of regrets too! Also jealousy. The two seem to go hand in hand for me. I keep wondering where I would have been if I had listen to my gut and tossed the pills sooner... and then I spent hours on facebook sifting through friends' photos looking at all the things I could have had if I had gotten my shit together when I was younger. I know it's just indulgent thoughts on my end that don't serve me at all... but something about submitting myself to the torture ends up making me feel better (in the short term) in a sick way.

Also, just as a side note, I completely understand the dental trouble from the shitty hygiene/dry mouth/grinding of using.... I had to have a root canal and 12 cavities filled after I got clean. Talk about an expensive habit. We just have to keep chugging through it together!!

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Regrets,

I have a lot of them. I regret ever going to that first psychiatrist to get my adderall script. For so long, and currently, I believe that I'm nothing without stimulants. "I'll have no energy without them" "I'll get fat" "I won't be successful." Such lies I've been buying for so many years.

I've lost friends and someone that I really cared about because of my addiction. My boyfriend (at the time) would spend his evening after work making me dinner- and I wouldn't show up. No. I was at home cleaning, re arranging furniture. Moving. Constantly moving. He wouldn't know why I didn't come because I hid my addiction so well. It's not like I ever had to go out of my reach for the pills. I had it all at my fingertips.

I regret failing years of school. I was so medicated that I couldn't leave my house. I was physically trapped. I'd start my homework and go off in unnecessary directions, over complicate everything and nothing ever got done. I believed truly that if I took enough, somehow through the grace of adderall, everything would get done. It never did.

My boyfriend broke up with me because I was completely absent. Even when I was physically there. I'd be cleaning or preoccupied. I could never sleep when we "went to bed." I never ate. I wasn't acting like a human- a "normal" human.

The adderall caused me to drink a bottle of wine every night. I survived off of cigarettes, orange pills, and white wine. I regret drinking along with my medication because that only caused me to think that I could handle more than I could when I stopped taking them. And I'd lose my shit. I'd over drink and completely embarrass myself. 

I regret stealing from a friend who really needed her prescription and who was taking it appropriately. She didn't have the money to afford a $300 script. And I stole so many from her. I stopped being friends with her because I couldn't handle her problems- she had a drinking problem and eating disorder and I couldn't face the fact that I was just like her. I doubt if I'll ever be able to apologize to her because 1. It was a toxic friendship and I'm actually scared of what she might do to me if I tell her 2. I'm so ashamed that I steeped so low 

I also stole from my best friend last week. I regret it, but that is the moment that I realized that I have completely lost control. I've since sought help and she is aware of what I did. The twist of the knife in my heart was that she was saving it because it was a memory she was holding on to of her boyfriend who died last year. That sucked to hear. She forgives me though and knows I'm sick and wants me to get better. 

I regret using at all. I regret all of those years that I don't remember. Doing insignificant tasks that are so insignificant that I don't remember. I wasted five years of my youth just cleaning, isolated, a fucking zombie- corpse. 

I regret losing sight of my big picture dreams because I was concerned about the things in front of me- is my room clean enough? Maybe I should re arrange that, then everything will be okay? Where are my pills? Fuck. I didn't bring my pills. I need to go back home and get them. 

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Exactly inneedofhelpBP - the cleaning, the rearranging, the not showing up, the not being able to leave the house. Holy shit, this is exactly what I was experiencing and I felt so alone and the worst addict and that nobody possibly could be abusing this shit as bad as me. Other regrets are all the profound, spiritual experiences I thought I was having when it was actually a stupid trap laid by the fucked up system that even allows this stuff to be legal and allows pharmaceutical companies to make billions off our addiction, misery and loss and that it was actually just drug induced psychosis. So many more regrets that I have. But I'm going to go to sleep now. This is the first night in 13 days cold turkey off a huge dose I was abusing that I am up this late. I've been sleeping tons and it's after 4am now, so I am going to try to sleep. It's been a real struggle. Tonight I  binged so to speak on this site but I have no regrets there because my resolve was getting weak and I feel really pumped up now about staying stopped. Those stimulants suck!!! Robbed me of some of the best years of my life. Grateful to be here and wanting to stay stopped - finally. I guess that's the last point.  Really regret picking up this drug in March of 2010. Seven years. Glad it's over. Hope I start feeling better soon and I hope everyone in their early days starts feeling better. One more time with feeling: ADHD stimulant medication sucks!

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I feel like I could have written these posts myself. So grateful I have a place to vent my frustrations and have a group of people who understand the struggle ❤️

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