Jan34

Figuring Out Why You Take It

6 posts in this topic

One of things questions I've been trying to find an answer to is why I take Adderall.  I know that some people with ADHD are able to take their prescribed dose, just like they would any other medication, and benefit from it in a healthy way.  Even though I definitely have ADD symptoms, I know that I don't take it as a form of treatment.   I read this amazing article in the New York times about a woman with a story very similar to ours.  She talked to a psychologist who has treated people addicted to adderall and his insight really struck a cord:

His Adderall patients are overwhelmingly creative people who wanted to work in the arts — yet, he says, many have chosen other paths, safer paths, resigning themselves before they’ve even really tried to achieve what they hoped for. “They often give in to practicality,” he says. “Then they feel they missed out. And when they take Adderall, it makes them feel good, so they don’t focus on the fact that they feel like they sold out.” Many people are using Adderall to mask a sense of disappointment in themselves, Stratyner says, because it narrows their focus down to simply getting through each day, instead of the larger context of what they’re trying to build with their lives.

As I read it, it made me feel like there was this underlying issue that I didn't realize existed.  I'm not happy with my life and definitely don't feel fulfilled in my career.  But when I take Adderall, I can feel passionate about mundane projects at work or home and I can focus on smaller things to get a sense of accomplishment.  If I'm high, I can trick myself into thinking that I have it all together.  That way, I don't have to think about how much I regret not pursuing something I was passionate about and how much I wish my life were different. 

Obviously I have a slew of other reasons I use for taking it but this one really resonated with me because its on a deeper level.  What are some real reasons you have for taking adderall?

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I originally snuck my way into getting it because I "couldn't focus." The reality was, I wanted to lose weight. I had been bulimic since 17, and adderall suppressed my appetite so I wouldn't over eat and purge. I ended up losing weight, yeah. I lost over 20 lbs. I am 5'3" and 110 when I started using adderall. I dropped to 93 lbs within the first few months. But I STILL hated myself. I was skin and bones and still felt so ugly. Now I'm on Vyvance and if I were to guess my weight it would be 120. It's not helping me lose weight, but I'm still in the trap.

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I reallly like this post and its exactly what ive been thinking about lately. This is the golden question right? The problem i have to resolve to move on with my life and leave this chapter in the dust. Adderall isnt/wasnt necessarily my problem its the person i was and my view of the world/myself which was the underlying problem and led to adderall dependancy.  

I was supressing my true self, interests and talents because i convinced myself that art isnt valuable to society. i thought that my artistic abilities were childish and unproductive and of much less significance to those who were gifted in math and science. This belief may mainly stem from the fact that my dad has a phd in engineering and was preoccupied with his career during my childhood and i was longing for his attention. This childish notion led me to strive to get into med school and i put a load of expectations on myself, and i didnt feel that my natural self was good enough, i needed adderall to supress my irrelevant emotions.

its time that i accept who i am, what im naturally inclined to, and listen to that inner voice. Thats what growing up really is about right?

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The NA daily meditation for today goes with this topic perfectly!

Just For Today
March 31 
“Insides Outsides”

“Our real value is in being ourselves.”
Basic Text p. 101

As we work the steps, we’re bound to discover some basic truths about ourselves. The process of uncovering our secrets, exposing them, and searching our characters reveals our true nature. As we become acquainted with ourselves, we’ll need to make a decision to be just who we are.

We may want to take a look at what we present to our fellow addicts and the world and see if it matches up with what we’ve discovered inside. Do we pretend that nothing bothers us when, in truth, we’re very sensitive? Do we cover our insecurities with obnoxious jokes, or do we share our fears with someone? Do we dress like a teenager when we’re approaching forty and are basically conservative?

We may want to take another look at those things which we thought “weren’t us:” Maybe we’ve avoided NA activities because we “don’t like crowds!” Or maybe we have a secret dream of changing careers but have put off taking action because our dream “wasn’t really right” for us. As we attain a new understanding of ourselves, we’ll want to adjust our behavior accordingly. We want to be genuine examples of who we are.

Just for today: I will check my outsides to make sure they match my insides. I will try to act on the growth I have experienced in recovery.

******************************************

 

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I was trying to learn a third foreign language really quickly. It worked really great at first, but it was never worth it. We need to accept ourselves for who we really are, with our strengths and our weaknesses. And yes, I think I've definitely lost creativity from the past 3 years on adderall. I'm looking forward to rediscovering the ideas and fantasies I used to have, to just daydream again.

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I think this is really interesting. Ive tried to figure out why several times. But I always have adderall in my system at the time and i end up obsessing and eventually cant even remember the original thing I was trying to figure out in the first place. But I think it has alot to do with needing to fit in. Needing to have people like me. Gaining an identity from outside things. I have never been sure of who i am. I remember telling therapists this as a kid. I think i have a problem connecting to my feelings. I dont pay attention to how i feel. I just get through. Deal with shit. I think i do what they call depersonalization. I make myself believe I am a way that im really not just to fit in or get along. To keep peace. To make myself stronger than i am so i could deal with pain and not care. I never lived for me. I grew up with an alcoholic father who could get violent and scary. I always just held it in and didn't rock the boat. Whatever keeps the peace. I feel like ive always been a grown up. I have no clue how to have fun and actually dont even like fun. I wish I did. I think maybe thats what adderall does for me. I remember a few years ago feeling like this is it. Work. Bills. I take care of everybody. I feel jipped. I feel robbed. Like my whole life has been wasted. Adderall was my little secret thing just for me. My enjoyment and creativity and fun and positivity on the inside while i keep doing what I need to on the outside. At least if I have to deal with people and schedules i can seem happy about it. Agree and smile. God forbid I allow myself to tell someone what i really think. 

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