No Contact

4 posts in this topic

     No contact.  I am in new waters and I am lost.  I could use some direction.  We have all probably heard of "The No Contact Rule" at some point in our lives. To me personally, it seems so un-human.  In the same breath, however, I do understand that it can help with your own healing-your mental clarity-even some decisions that need made-might all be done with the help of no contact.  My love moved-without notice or a good-bye even, to North Carolina from Michigan one week ago.  Yes-the same person who, I, for some damn reason even to this very moment,I still feel a sense of loyalty to that is so strong-from a distance I probably look like a giant brunette golden retriever.  Another word one might use is-codependent. *sigh* 

What I was wondering is, does no contact really work?  Why am I asking all of you? Some of you had to do "no contact" or "cold turkey" to get away from adderall.  The "taper-down" method doesn't work for a lot of people so you need cut off completely to help solidify your step towards sobriety.  As addicts-you have probably had the no-contact rule applied to you by various people in your lives.  For some reason, this never ever sat well with me as someone who was told to do this from many different people/websites, who would swear it was the only way I would heal-or help even from my addicts behavior.  

I realize it may seem like there are fucking obvious answers (I know, I am in your heads right now :) ) to these questions.  HE left ME for God's sake.  He DIDN'T even say GOOD-BYE for Christ's sake (still dealing with anger here-struggling-not sorry I am angry :( )... but there are a few extenuating circumstances here that leave me with loose heart strings.  I am probably making excuses-but-oddly he has reached  out to me somewhat and I have been not contacting him.  It feels wrong.  Does it feel wrong because I am in codependentville right now and I am conditioned for what DOESN'T work?  Am I just an empathetic fool that needs better boundaries? 

Anyway-I guess if you've ever had this rule applied to you-in any situation really how did it make you feel, and what did it make you realize-if anything?  If you ever applied this rule what were your results?  

I take full responsibility for where I am right now.  I fucked up.  My poor love tried to let me go so many times over the last 18 months or so.  I just wouldn't let him go.  I should of.  Not for me-but for him...I feel I may of stunted his growth on his journey to sobriety.  I just really felt the love-it was so unconditional-it felt free-but overflowing.  So hard to describe.  I am so grateful for being able to feel like that for someone-truly a gift. 


Edited by Traceme
Grammar, spelling

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There are definitely good reasons for this method.  It is like having a bloody wound that won't heal.  The more you keep picking at it and pulling off the scab, you begin to bleed again.  It just won't heal.  If you want to move on with your life and be with a man that is truly deserving of all the love, energy, and time you have to offer him, then from the sounds of it, it is best to not respond.  You will heal a 1,000 times faster by segregating yourself, grieving the loss, and then start to find a healthier place from which to try and start a new relationship with someone who is ready and wants to reciprocate your love.

IF he truly wants to make things work with you, he will let you know.  If all he does is throw you half hearted crumbs of affection now and then, do not respond.  Of course he is going to miss you and want to talk to you.  You've been together for all that time and it's not easy to walk away.  But what he's reaching out to you for is probably not what you want it to mean.  Unless he actually is contacting you with a legitimate, "I screwed this up and I want to make this work with us" kind of tangible evidence, leave it alone.  He's wasting valuable years of your life that could be spent with someone who loves you back.  Don't let him do that.

Wishing you all the best.  




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You are right.  This is exactly what I needed to hear.  I am working on ways to distract myself from wanting to contact him.  Hopefully soon, with the help of some great books-I won't have to think about not contacting him-It will just be the way things are. :) 

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