Four years ago today, I took Adderall for the last time.
My mother slid three blue 5mg instant release pills across the table so I could get through the night. I couldn't hide any more.
After living in denial for so long, I was confronted on no uncertain terms with the horrifying reality that what I thought was my best friend, my lifeblood, had turned on me. For years, Adderall had been trying to put me in an early grave, but only after blocking me off from others and systematically eviscerating me spiritually, emotionally, mentally, and physically.
- At one year I thought I was a little shaky, but on the right path. I took solace in the fact that people on here said that it got even better in the second year.
- At two years, I was on my feet and doing well, but still pretty volatile emotionally. Occasionally, I'd flirt with the idea that I could go back on it. That idea had to be SMASHED.
- I spent my third anniversary in London after hiking the West Highland Way. Towards the end of my using, I couldn't bend an appendage without joint pain and muscle soreness.
- At four years, I KNOW, without a shadow of a doubt, even in my worst moments, that I can't use Adderall "as prescribed" for any real length of time. I'm on the right path. I've recovered from the hopeless state of mind and body it put me in. My intellectual faculties are at all time highs. I've got 30 pounds to lose, but have been lifting regularly for some time and am making sustainable progress on that front. I enjoy helping others recover, on here and IRL. I pray and meditate. Daily. I have a sense of purpose. I've rekindled relationships with friends and family. I trust that if I stay off Adderall and keep giving it my best, or at least a decent shot, one day at a time, things will work out. They have so far.
I don't have any magical insights to share tonight. There are no shortcuts. You have to work through the discomfort. I couldn't do it alone. Sometimes, all you can do it Netflix and Self-Loath/Chill. But if you stick with it, you'll get back on your feet and the world will open up a life beyond your wildest dreams.
Read the articles on this site. Contribute to the forums. You're not alone. People have been through what you're experiencing and worse and gotten out the other side clean. Every time I've felt hopeless the last four years, EVERY TIME, tremendous growth was waiting patiently nearby.
I was a slave to those devllish pills and now I am free.