Lost my job due to Adderall

[AJ_Jr]

I worked in a field that required fast writing on a strict deadline. This had always been challenging but not insurmountable. While on the medication I would sink into a sort of trance. I'd lose track of time in this fog and simple tasks became overwhelming. I would rewrite copy over and over, making insignificant changes and taking forever to complete. I'd re-edit video, fixating on minute details and forgetting the big picture. I would over research every story, reading article after article and then be paralyzed with anxiety to realize I had only minutes to print my work. 

I told myself I was being a perfectionist and doing a thorough job, but I was really causing stress for my co-workers and ultimately compromising the product for everyone, by missing deadlines and causing chaos by my lateness. I'd vow every morning to be faster, but with the pills, it was more a matter of chemistry than will power. After several warnings I was let go. 

I made excuses to myself and others but inside I knew the cause of the problem and my responsibility for letting the situation continue. 

The saddest part is even with this understanding, I continued using. Now I've burned through my unemployment in an endless tunnel of twitter news feeds, podcasts and other internet drifting. No motivation for anything else. I got a lot of reading done and applied for a smattering of jobs over the last 10 months, but in general I'm ashamed because I've never had more free time and accomplished less.

Now I've been tapering off and ready to be done forever, but I'm intimidated to start the job quest / return to the world thing without them. The withdrawal funk is intense and I can't let it impede my quest for work. I wasted the luxury of time and savings, so now I'm hoping caffeine and perseverance will get me over the gap.

Just found this forum today and it's already been very helpful and encouraging, so thought I'd share.

Thanks

[Speeder906]

13 hours ago, AJ_Jr said:

I made excuses to myself and others but inside I knew the cause of the problem and my responsibility for letting the situation continue. 

The saddest part is even with this understanding, I continued using. 

I just quit my job last week and this part right here I could have written myself its that spot on. I was abusing heavily for over a year at my job. I knew it and refused to believe that the thing that's gotten me so far in school and work wouldnt work anymore. Eventually all the pent up stress and frustration just got to be too much and I ended up having almost like a mental breakdown at work so I guess theres worse ways to lose your job? Either way I wish you the best with your new job search as I am doing the same myself right now. It's gonna be hard going through withdrawal all over again but at least work stress won't impact my path to finally getting off these damn pills. Anyways,  Good luck! 

[Jennyleighleigh]

I am also unemployed as of January and the physical and mental waste of space I became really got to me. The adderall seemed to help the negativity in my brain cycle faster and faster, like it amplified how bored I was, how boring I was, how much of a fuck up I was, and not once did I get to step out of that cycle til I saw it, face to face. I hear a lot of that "what the fuck have I done with my time I'm such an idiot" tone in your post.  And it's likely everyone here has heard that voice, too many times. 

What little experience I have with this sobriety thing (2 wks), after the depression and lethargy peak in terms of withdrawal, I have found myself less apologetic about what it is I'm going through, and a lot more gentle with myself mentally.

As if adderall were some brain-Nazi, and you have Stockholm Syndrome, it takes time to forgive yourself. And it helps to not have that asshole in your life anymore.