Lonewolf

7 year addiction & now cancer. I need to quit now.

10 posts in this topic

I don't even know where to start. I could write books and even that wouldn't be enough. I'll try to keep this short& simple (which we all know is hard to do when you're on adderall). I'm 24 years old and have been addicted to adderall for 7 years now. I've lost myself and have turned into a miserable person in the process. I thought that I had reached rock bottom...

and then 5 months ago I was diagnosed with Hodgkin's lymphoma. You would think that this would be enough of a wake up call& that I'd quit. NOPE. I'm getting strong chemotherapy right now (one that is known for having a damaging effect on the heart, I may add) and I'm STILL abusing adderall. What the fuck is wrong with me??

The worst part of it all? Nobody in my life has any clue about my addiction and extent of my abuse. People think I'm this hard working young woman who respects herself and body. Everyone is treating me so kindly and expressing their concern, since I'm "battling cancer and on the toughest journey of my life, and feel/look like shit from chemo, etc.." ....but in reality, I have been struggling with something far worse for the past seven years without any support. This cancer is a piece of fucking cake compared to my psychologically twisted dependence on these pills.. which is fucking ridiculous.

Obviously, I need to quit for good ASAP. My life depends on it. Wish me luck.

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Sorry to hear about your diagnosis. It's crazy, you're not the first person who has said that cancer was a piece of cake in comparison to Adderall addiction. Just goes to show what we're really up against here.

You can do this!!! Have you told your doctor what's going on? 

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No, none of my doctors know. I am prescribed adderall by my primary care doctor and it is the only way I can obtain it now. If I tell my doctor, that will be the end of it. It seems like a simple solution, but the thought of telling my doctor terrifies me. I have lied and deceived her for seven years now, and she also knows my mom and brother, who also see her. She apparently tells my mom how proud she is of me and speaks very highly of me when she sees my mom. I don't think I have the courage to tell her the complete truth. I'm so embarrassed and ashamed and feel like a horrible person. She is the best doctor I've had and really seems to care about her patients and listens to all of my concerns. I don't think I could ever see her again after telling her. And frankly, I just don't have the energy or motivation to find a new doctor right now. I'm trying to think of something clever I can tell her that will ensure I'm never prescribed it or anything like it again. I also don't trust myself to follow through in telling her when the time comes. I know myself too well.

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I beleive hyper critical a member on here went through this also. I feel you should not beat yourself up over not quitting yet while battling cancer but definitely if you need to stop now for your heart hope this form can help. Maybe hyper critical could give you some advice. Far as the doctor she could be a great person but if doctors have the power to give people very powerful stimulants shouldn't a real test be involved other than just taking people's word? Who's to say we all do not have ADHD symptoms from time to time so is it really lying if no blood test etc can prove it either way? It's one thing to go slam your hand in a door to get pain pills doctors can see on a X-ray "o he broke his hand." Diagnosing ADHD is all a matter of opinion that's it nothing more. Honestly for people who have real bad ADHD beleive way better options are available vs giving them amphetamines . Your Doc might be a great person but she is the one giving you the dope don't hold her in such high regards the medical community in general has a lot of flaws especially when it comes to handing out this medication like candy.  

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Thanks Frank B. I try not to beat myself up too much, but it's easier said than done. There actually are official psychological tests for ADHD. There are also significant differences in the brain of someone with ADHD vs someone who doesn't. Everyone has inattentive moments, but it has a significant impact on the quality of life with those that actually have ADHD. No, it isn't as simple as a blood test, but there are certainly ways to test for it. Unfortunately, lots of doctors don't which is part of the problem with it being over prescribed.

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Tell your doctors. No brainer. Not even worth engaging in further conversation about the pros and cons and dismantling rationalizations that keep you paralyzed by fear.

How is your doctor supposed to effectively treat you if you're hiding a MAJOR part of your medical history? 

Tell your doctors. 

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Sorry I haven't posted in a while, but I wanted to give you guys an update on my current situation. I have good news and some kind of disappointing news..

Good news is that I'm officially in remission and done with chemotherapy!!! I'll be able to get back to my normal life in a few weeks after my body recuperates and I have some final testing done.

The disappointing news is that I never quit adderall. However, during treatment I told my doctor that I wanted to decrease my dosage by about half, which I'm really proud of myself for doing. I told her I didn't want to take as much during chemo, and neglected to mention the addiction problem. I still abused the pills I did have, and usually finished a month's worth in about a week. I was only on adderall for one week out of the month, and didn't try to get more when I was out.

Now that chemo is over, I'm back on the dosage I was before I cut back. Today is day 1 of being back on my old dosage.

Although this isn't the best news, I'm actually in a weird sort of way happy that I got cancer and had the experience I did. I now feel more comfortable than I have been in a long time on the days that I don't take it. I've discovered that I do have the potential to take doses that are more acceptable (still more than what I'm prescribed, but not dangerously high) and still feel the effects without being miserable. And I'm honestly okay with abusing it a little, as long as I can maintain control and not let it effect me the way it has for so many years. What I mean by this is that I will be happy as long as I don't let it effect my sleep (like no all nighters, no more running on 5 hours of sleep or less, and no more taking it at night). The last part is what I struggle with most, because I'm a night owl, have never been a morning person, and have always adapted my life/schedule to work with this bad habit. I've realized that the poor sleep has caused a vast majority of my problems, and I would be a functional and maybe even less miserable person if I just didn't take it at night and let it effect my sleep. I don't know if this is realistic or not, but at this point in my life I feel like I can do just about anything if I really try. It's just going to be hard. Really hard. So my new goal is to be a functional, well-rested adderall abuser. Lol wow that sounds ridiculous when I type it out, but whatever.

Has anyone here been addicted and found a way to be a functional abuser/addict? Or know of anyone who has? 

BTW- thank you to everyone who read my initial post and/or gave me advice. I really appreciated all of it. :)

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It seems as though your going a little backwards with your thinking.   You came to this website for a reason.  Trust your gut and kick it all together. 

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On 7/17/2017 at 6:31 PM, Lonewolf said:

Has anyone here been addicted and found a way to be a functional abuser/addict? Or know of anyone who has? 

Short answer? No.

Longer answer: I know many who have tried, only to find themselves using even more than when they set out to cut back, with disastrous consequences. 

Really not trying to be dramatic here. I've just seen it over and over. "Once pickled, never a cucumber."

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Hey, I wasn't able to quit until my doctors knew and stopped prescribing me. That was the only thing that worked for me and I tried pretty much  everything.

 

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