Speeder906

Finals week relapse and my mental breakdown (update)

20 posts in this topic

Hey everyone.. I haven't written in a while because things for me haven't changed too much - still falling back into the adderall crash and binge cycle. I had my final assignments due this week (so did them over the weekend) for college and just before the weekend my rx got refilled with the new increase dose from my doc (somehow..). I've tried to write this post for like four hours now without getting too wordy so hopefully this one's the winner. 

I've taken roughly 1000mg over the course of five days with somewhere around 300mg left of my refill - I know how bad that is and it blows my mind how I am still fucking alive right now. It's funny, usually the first day will be productive or fun in some kinda way but this time around I can honestly say I felt NOTHING. I did manage to put together the assignments I needed to for school but honestly I couldn't tell you about what I had written because I'm sure it was all delusional, adderall gibberish, many tangents, lack of any focus at all. Ironically I have come to realize that adderall doesn't make me focus at all anymore; not even for the first dose. It's instant depression and depersonalize every time. I guess I'm taking so many to try and get passed that but I have a hunch after over 1000mg, I won't be getting there in this lifetime. I have dissociated myself from all friends and family more than ever before and hardly look at them at all to which by this fifth day I feel bad because my mom at least talks to me like she's really concerned about me, thinks something is wrong, i claim to be stressed and busy with finals but I was so close to coming clean - I really wanted to.. I wanted to ask her to hide my pills from me because I can't trust myself anymore. She would probably do it too which is why I hate myself for chickening out. I'd hate to tell her that her youngest son, the one she knows will go great things some day (yeah she really says this to me it's bittersweet) and learning that kid was a drug addict would just break her heart, I bet. I was so down on myself for everything this weekend that I actually came clean to a good friend of mine and his gf about how bad this abuse has gotten. I wasn't expecting them to be so supportive and helpful to talk to. Honestly I was just gonna hang around their place until my xnax plug was around and I couldn't face my family at home at the time. My friend's gf offered to take me to an NA meeting which I was hesitant about at first but now given my situation just getting worse and worse, I know it's the right thing to do for me. I'm also trying to find a new psychiatrist, one I am able to see more often and for longer (my psych visits are 10 min tops every 6 months) because with this new psychiatrist (or a psychologist/therapist would do fine too) I am going to bring up substance use disoder which I would probably legit quality for (read the dsm-5 diagnosis criteria and I fit each one..)  and basically I want this to be the start of my healing process (with getting off addy maybe taper even, therapy, treating any other underlying disorders that my old psych glossed over)

Anyways, I think that's the gist of what's on my mind right now. I'm just feeling so exhausted from the toll this drug has put on my body. I'm 2mg of clonazepam so I feel kinda stellerrrrrr

 

Later days

3 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

It's crazy when we finally realize this drug makes us worse yet our brain says take more and more. You got to take control of your thoughts no longer let that addicted side of your brain have control. It's not a easy fight and why we take so long to finally commit to quitting. Hopefully this will be the wake up call you need knowing you could probably take your entire bottle in one day but it will never make you the focused and productive person it did when you first started. Good luck and go to those NA meetings. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Go easy on the clonazepam. That stuff erases your memory. It happened to me. I took it for a year or so and don't remember much from that time in my life. Then a new doctor said he did not want to prescribe that to me because it causes memory loss. I don't touch that sh!t anymore.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

You sound so much like me. I would binge heavily during finals, was terrified to tell my parents what was going on, asked friends to hide my pills, and sporadically tried NA meetings also. I'm sorry you're going through this... the depersonalization especially is hellish. I feel for you. Just know that you're not alone and other people have felt exactly what you're feeling now. It's time to make a change, though. Sooner rather than later. Eventually your body won't be able to handle it anymore. You need to take a step back, congratulate yourself for making it through the semester, and ask yourself what you really want. Look out for yourself, no one else is going to. We're here for you.

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

UPDATE: So i am really trying to follow thru with this - seriously this time. Just today I switched psychiatrists and I am scheduled to see him in just a couple days. I'm glad it's so soon cause if I had to wait too long I would convince myself I don't need the help I so clearly DO need. It's time to put this to bed for real this time. I've already got the support of  my friend and his gf that I didn't know I had before, and now even the person who introduced me to addy is encouraging me to follow through and get help. That says a lot. 

You're right Cheeri and thanks for making me feel a little less alone about this. I know that this can't continue, it just can't. My body and my mind can't do it. I've already had my mark of another adderall binge: staring angrily in the mirror for a min until i just breakdown and cry like a damn baby so disgusted and ashamed with myself and all I've let adderall turn me into. I was SO close to telling my mom today that I'm getting off my meds (something soft, not gonna give her a heart attack when I say I'm an addict) but I didn't. 

It's so sad too because I started adderall freshman year at a nice university and burned out then dropped out lying my way through paying off that debt. Even saying I'd use my time off school to "get my head right" and then go back but here I am back at it but hey at least I am done with the term minus a few minor assignments i'll just coast thru. My presentation was the worst cause last time I had to present something I was in an addy binge and on a lot of Valium so I was literally so dysfunctional and I still am haunted by that day tbh. Doesn't help that I just had a substance use disorder lesson in psych and I fit the criteria for the diagnosis like a fucking glove. Shit just feels to be sinking in for the first time for me, or maybe I'm just overly optimistic cause of the adderall ..  :blink:

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
4 hours ago, hyper_critical said:

You're killing yourself.

Let go. You don't have to live this way anymore. 

I want this on a plaque hanging on the fucking wall

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
8 hours ago, Speeder906 said:

I want this on a plaque hanging on the fucking wall

Print that quote in large ass font and literally hang it on your fucking wall. 

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm free of adderall now. Wrote my final paper for the quarter and went to the bathroom and flushed the remaining 7 pills down the toilet. Never thought I'd ever waste pills like that but I know if I kept them I would take them. Probably all within 20 minutes too. But I'm done. I looked at that 8 stages of amph use post and remember reading and being a 5 but today I realized I reached 7b. 

First appt with new psych tomorrow and I wrote down just how these pills make me feel in case tomorrow morning my brain is foggy. Hoping for the best right now I feel good about not having any more pills but I'm still really afraid of what's to come if I'm being totally honest. 

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Great job!  Welcome to your new life! Rest as much as you can the first few week & don't be hard on yourself. It's a long journey, but it gets a little better each day.  It's the most rewarding thing I've ever done.  Most people go through life not figuring out who they really are & what makes them happy. You will not be one of those people anymore! Good for you! 

 

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Just left my psych and he's putting me on Prozac for a month to see how that works. Idk how I feel about this. He said maybe after a month we will revisit fixing focus and try some other stimulant like Ritalin (which I know doesn't work for me) and if not that then a non stimulant like wellburtin. 

I won't be getting adderall anymore and that's all that matters 

 

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hey Speeder - just to be frank with you: this is gonna get worse before it gets better. In about two weeks, you're going to feel so full of lethargy that your mind is gonna start playing tricks on you. You'll remember your Psych's suggestion about ritalin and you'll start thinking to yourself "hmmm maybe he's right, maybe that would work." Don't let it win. Be clear with him upfront that you're not interested in taking any stimulants, ever, period, point blank. They all lead down the same miserable road for addicts, and you've continuously proven you are one.

As far as the prozac is concerned, they put me on it for a month or two back in my using days. It's definitely the most "up" SSRI. Won't immediately put you to sleep like zoloft will, but it will tucker you out. So be prepared for some foggyness. I've personally been on the 0 pharmaceutical train ever since I quit adderall (I think it's the most direct road to sanity, and especially worth trying for us younger folks), but antidepressants have helped a lot of people here so do what feels right for your body. Just don't take something you aren't sure you need.

Best of luck, bud. Congrats - you made a huge step. Stay strong and don't fuck it up.

Cheerio

4 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

  What you need at this point is an addiction specialist.   Psychiatrists just want to prescribe without getting to the root of the problem.  You got this!  Keep us updated on your recovery. 

3 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
16 hours ago, Cheeri0 said:

Hey Speeder - just to be frank with you: this is gonna get worse before it gets better. In about two weeks, you're going to feel so full of lethargy that your mind is gonna start playing tricks on you. You'll remember your Psych's suggestion about ritalin and you'll start thinking to yourself "hmmm maybe he's right, maybe that would work." Don't let it win. Be clear with him upfront that you're not interested in taking any stimulants, ever, period, point blank. They all lead down the same miserable road for addicts, and you've continuously proven you are one.

As far as the prozac is concerned, they put me on it for a month or two back in my using days. It's definitely the most "up" SSRI. Won't immediately put you to sleep like zoloft will, but it will tucker you out. So be prepared for some foggyness. I've personally been on the 0 pharmaceutical train ever since I quit adderall (I think it's the most direct road to sanity, and especially worth trying for us younger folks), but antidepressants have helped a lot of people here so do what feels right for your body. Just don't take something you aren't sure you need.

Best of luck, bud. Congrats - you made a huge step. Stay strong and don't fuck it up.

Cheerio

Agree antidepressants can make you worse SSRI 'Prozac' made me go crazy I felt the need to cut myself open with a knife it was crazy.  Luckily I stopped before doing anything stupid literally slapped myself in the face multiple times to come back to reality. I will say Wellbutrin did help started about a year into being off adderall. It's a non ssri so if u must try something I'd suggest that route. Nothing in the early days weeks months will help much you'll be constantly craving a replacement the only thing is time alone of the drug that will start gettin your natural energy back to normal. 

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thank you everyone for the advice it's truly so appreciated. I was feeling weird all day yesterday but not because of anything withdrawal related but because I just hated the idea of taking the Prozac. I also hear from people that it makes their depression worse. I was supposed to start taking it today but I don't think I will. If anything I think I'd rather have more natural remidies. Like I take l theanine for my anxiety and it has always worked well. I'd just rather not replace one pill for another. 

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
3 hours ago, Speeder906 said:

Thank you everyone for the advice it's truly so appreciated. I was feeling weird all day yesterday but not because of anything withdrawal related but because I just hated the idea of taking the Prozac. I also hear from people that it makes their depression worse. I was supposed to start taking it today but I don't think I will. If anything I think I'd rather have more natural remidies. Like I take l theanine for my anxiety and it has always worked well. I'd just rather not replace one pill for another. 

Be honest you'd be better off staying a adderall junkie vs going on Prozac just my opinion but it's some really bad shit fucks with your head big time. Many suicides , family murder /suicides mass shootings are linked to Prozac. Big Pharma pays out a ton of money to keep the media from really making this known. Go to the library check out some books on Prozac before you ever take it. Or just google Prozac suicides etc.  I wish I researched it myself before agreeing on taking it but got off it quick only 3 weeks. Sure doctors say it gets better longer u take it. Sorry no it doesn't if it doesn't make you off yourself first couple weeks you become a zombie you won't be happy or sad then u become dependent on it just like addy but with really no benefits as adderal did in its early days for us. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Side note got in a huge argument with someone I went to high school on fb with she is nurse. I was talking on fb about the irresponsibility in general in reguards to pushing medication like Prozac that end up doing more harm vs good. She says the risk are justified in severe depression and no she does not feel guilty if someone were to kill themselves or someone else after being subscribed this medication by her. She feels ultimately no pill can make you do anything against your will. So some doctors and nurses play the religion card and feel no liability because evil is evil no pill can make someone do something evil no one ever loses control to choose between right and wrong. Even though they are administering drugs that literally change ones brain chemistry. I think it's high time the medical community keeps its fucking religious beliefs at home and actually understand the science behind these medications they push and take some liability. It's sure easy for them to blame actions on Satan instead of the mind altering drug they give people. They are so blind in religious faith they actually beleive themselves. 

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Interesting national story on SSRI http://www.msn.com/en-us/news/crime/michelle-carter’s-ssri-hobbled-her-empathy-psychiatrist-says/ar-BBCzaOv?li=BBnbfcL&ocid=U146DHP

Could the pill take away this girls empathy to push this kid to kill himself? Id say yes, again people who have been on this for along period of time state they have little to no feelings one way or another. Sure many will say the girl was just bad and using the SSRi as a excuse. Well you know its the same when people off themselves on it, "Well he was already depressed so you can't blame the medication." That is why these pill makers always win the acts committed on these pills are so outrageous one who has never experienced this medication has no idea what it can do. Anyways sorry to hijack your post with my anti SSRI rant.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

No apologies necessary, frank! I stand by my idea of not replacing one pill for another. I have been off adderall cold turkey for a while, going from 200mg or so to nothing and first few days I felt lazy but now I'm starting to feel okay again. I know for a fact though if I didn't ask to be taken off adderall I would have already planned when to order my next refill. My Prozac sits not being touched and especially seeing so many stories like the one above, I don't plan to use it. Maybe not even planning to see my psych at all anymore since all they wanna do is put me on more meds when I obviously want off them. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

It's very hard if not impossible le to accurately diagnose someone in the throngs of amphetamine addiction with other mental health problems. Takes 3-6 months to get a baseline. 

More than one psych was convinced I was bipolar shortly after I got clean, due to how I presented.

Thats not medical advice, just my experience. Try to find an addictions specialist and be completely up front about your situation if you decide to see a psychiatrist again. 

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!


Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.


Sign In Now