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duffman

On Ughhh Days..

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So I was reflecting on a few posts I've made recently and realized I've sort of depicted myself as a semi-superhero with how well I'm doing with this whole recovery ordeal. This, however, is not the whole picture. It's not a lie, because I did feel great on those days when I choose to write these posts. But in interest of being fair and balanced, I'm choosing to write this post on a day where I'm not feeling so great, a day where I could aptly describe my mood in one word (or utterance): 'Ugh...'. 

I can tell it's going to be an 'Ughh Day' from the moment I wake up, because it feels like I didn't get any quality sleep. I know I slept. I wasn't just waiting in bed for 6-7 hours waiting for the alarm to go off, but I don't feel refreshed upon waking. On these days, it feels like my mental processing speed takes a hit. Writing this post is taking me at least 2x as long because organizing my thoughts into a clear, discernible message is more difficult. My sense of humor (which is a very valuable asset with all my social interactions) seems to be less 'on-point' and less creative in nature. There's this haziness quality to my thoughts. For the reasons listed above, my will to socialize is greatly diminished.

Even my physical attributes seem to take a hit on these days. I tend to have lower energy and less motivation. I'm an avid weightlifter/stairmaster kinda guy, but on these days I go to the gym more out of habit rather than looking forward to improving my physique (which is why in previous posts I emphasize developing a habit of exercising as opposed to waiting till you 'feel' like exercising!). 

Now, I did NOT choose to write this message to scare any of you. There is a spectrum here between feeling 'Ugh' and feeling 'Great' and overall I'm trending in a positive direction ever since I quit taking Adderall, I cannot emphasize that point enough. However, some of the most helpful posts I've read on this forum have been an honest and candid discussion of how, on some days and times throughout your respective recovery, you're not going to feel great and that's OK!

Perhaps this is the natural variation in energy/moods that most normal people experience. I mean, I think everyone (besides people with some sort of unipolar mania) have low energy and high energy days. With taking Adderall for the past 5 years, I'm used to the following formula: 1) Wake up feeling BLEHH, 2) Take Adderall, wait for it to kick-in, 3) Feel Adderall kick-in, move forward with my day, 4) Begin feeling Adderall wear-off, negative thoughts start consuming my mind, 5) Take another Adderall OR experience the throes of crashing if I didn't have another Adderall to take (including but not limited to: unbearable anxiety, pounding heart rate with concomitant 'whooshing' sound through my carotid arteries, depression, self-loathing, agitation, social isolation, etc.), 6) Take sleeping pill, go to bed, rinse-and-repeat. It is a lot more predictable.. or rather predictably awful more accurately. 

How often do these 'Ughhh Days' occur at my stage in recovery (~16 months-ish)? Not too often, though I haven't been able to detect a clear reason as to why they surface when they do occur. It seems to be negatively correlated with the amount of time I've been off Adderall (meaning the longer I've been off Adderall, the less frequently these 'Ughhh Days' occur). 

If you're new here and don't know my history, please don't take this as a reason to take Adderall again, I'm merely attempting to show how you're going to experience some bad days in your recovery, and that is normal!! Quitting Adderall is, again, the best single thing I've ever done for myself. I'm (despite the tone of this post) the happiest I've been in.. well.. years I suppose, it's been long enough that I cannot recall a time where I've been feeling this good.. this 'normal'. 

Thank you for reading. 

-Duffman

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It helps me to read that others are struggling on days. Thank you for adding where you are in your recovery. 

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I can definitely relate to your experience. I'm only 2-3 months clean (but I never really used more than 40-60mg per day--100mg one time landed me in the ER--so maybe I'm having a more ok time with withdrawal than some others that were I to 100+ daily) but the fatigue is unmistakable. 

 

Do do you ever wonder if it's just in our heads, though? For some people with ADD, 60mg daily is a normal dose, and they manage to go off of it to have kids, take a break, retire, whatever...and I doubt they struggle with debilitating fatigue for years afterwards, or else they wouldn't do it. Maybe it's just our lasting memory of being like Superman, occasional wistful adderall thoughts, that dupe us into reading too deeply into occasional tiredness? 

This is certainly not to minimize your (and my) struggle with those ugh days. They're plenty real!

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I believe the power of belief is strong enough to compensate to an extent but to truely believe you have to be able to forget. I can't believe it's all in my head because of science. Which there will always be a physical constraint of the physical world but I think if you forgot all your experience and believe in just yourself and the moment you're in, it would compensate a lot for the side effects and that's why some feel better than others.

I don't think anyone has a 100% recovery instantly. Also I think another variable to belief therefore side effects is sensitivy. Some people have dull and relatively weak physical sense, they take a lot more stimuli so they go about seemingly easier than someone who is a lot more physically conscious and sensitive where a little change is intense where that same change might not even register to the other person. Just an opinion/idea/theory. The person that is less sensitive will say they're just stronger and tougher and that the sensitive person is weak but again I think perception and the brains sensitivy varies and that both have strengths and weaknesses. 

So a person who is not very sensitive and refuses to acknowledge the past and scientific data will have a stronger belief in themselves and that it's just in their head and possibly will experience/notice less side effects. 

And on the other end a really sensitive person who acknowledges the physical chemistry and has vivid strong sensitive memory that is just realistic as the moment their in will notice/experience the drastic difference in their state making it harder to forget and be in the moment and weaker belief it's in their head

Just and idea and a relativity thing. I can't say which is better because I think there's something to be learned in each experience and people are just built different for different purposes. 

Sorry if this is jumbled or hard to follow

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