19 & lost after quitting adderall

[Depression]

My story begins when I was a freshman in high school. I had always been goofy, funny, talkative, and intelligent. I was a straight A student my whole life & an athlete. When I reached high school I began to hate myself. I talked all class & had trouble paying attention. I envied people who sat quietly & did their school work. I was never that person but it just started to hit me that it was a problem. I went to a psychiatrist & was diagnosed with ADHD. Knowing that I had a heart murmur as a child, they put me on strattera. This made me incredibly tired & depressed. Then I tried Ritalin with the same result. 

Fast forward to my sophomore year of high school. I became more & more depressed. My self confidence plummeted. My doctor put me on Zoloft but that just made me agitated so I eventually went off that as well. I self medicated with marijuana for a few months & it seemed to help make me forget about the constant nagging feelings of worthlessness. Until that stopped working & I quit. 

My senior year of high school I hit an all time low. I had been struggling with depression for the past few years but I had coped without taking medication. I was still able to function, stay active in sports & maintain good grades. But I felt like I was a failure, I felt like I was never doing enough. I ended up being prescribed Wellbutrin & Adderall. I swore for months that the Adderall wasn't doing anything. Some days I accomplished so much & others I barely accomplished anything yet I was restless from the feeling of being high. I had a 4.4 GPA & applied to colleges. I got accepted to all of them, even university of Florida which I didn't think I would get in to. Deciding that I didn't want to be hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt, I decided to go a cheaper route. 

I was captain of the lacrosse team & I wanted to believe that Adderall wouldn't affect my performance. I was wrong. I lost weight & felt like excercise was harder due to the lack of energy from not eating. One night I had an exceptionally good game, in which I scored 3 goals in under 2 minutes & carried my team to a win against our county rivals. This season had been rough for me. I wasn't the player or leader that I used to be. A division 2 coach was there & offered me a scholarship to go to her school. I felt guilty because she didn't know that I was unable to be consistent like I used to be. I got in my head so much now & I didn't want to dissapoint.

I was excited, yet scared. I no longer felt myself anymore. I barely attended class anymore & started to become antisocial. Some days I wouldn't take my Adderall & I would just sleep all day. I ended up declining her offer to play college lacrosse, even after she increased her scholarship offer to a full ride. 

I graduated high school with 17 college credits & decided to go to a community college to pursue a degree in nursing. I cried at my graduation because I had lost all of my friends & felt alone. I felt like an outsider. I was distraught. That summer things got even worse. I found out my boyfriend had cheated on me with his ex & I was crushed. I tried to forget by drowining my feelings in alcohol. This, of course, didn't help. I was taking 40 mg of Adderall a day as prescribed, sometimes I would take 60 mg if I was partying so that I could stay up longer. I had lost about 15 pounds. I now stood 5'7 & only weighed about 120 lbs. I didn't even feel human anymore. 

At the end of the summer of 2016 I got back together with my ex. Things were okay but I felt robotic. I didn't want him to know that I was addicted to Adderall. I still wanted to seem perfect despite being so fucked up. I felt that after him cheating on me with his ex of 6 years that I needed to prove to him that I was worth loving. I remember hiding them in my bag & having to roll over in bed & pretend I was checking my phone as I popped one in my mouth every morning just so I could get myself out of bed. He cheated on me with his ex again & I was destroyed, yet I stayed with him. Being on Adderall I constantly dissected things. I swore he was always cheating on me & I was sad all the time, I would get wrapped up in small tasks, I would be late for work. I was never like this before. I used to be such a bright child. I was so loving. I stopped talking to my parents, my friends. 

I started my first year of college. I enrolled full time & worked 40 hours a week. I was still on Adderall so this seemed easy enough. I began to spend my free time in the wrong ways. I obsessively cleaned & reorganized my room or sat around hating myself, I analyzed the past & feared for the future rather than studying. The work piled up & eventually, in the middle of of the semester, I had a mental breakdown. I decided Adderall was evil & I quit cold turkey. It was HORRIBLE. I slept all the time & felt lifeless. I wanted to kill myself. My doctor put me on seroquel to help me sleep & trintellix for my depression but that just made me more suicidal & hopeless. I admitted myself into a mental hospital & for the 3 days I was there I started taking lamictal & spent my time coloring & reading books. I got out with a new perspective but old habits came back quickly. I napped pretty much all day when I wasn't at work. I picked fights with my boyfriend & constantly stressed about him being unfaithful yet I was giving him every reason to leave me. 

I received medical withdrawals for my classes & my gpa wasn't harmed. I went into the new semester hopeful. I only took 2 classes & worked 20 hours a week. I was taking 100 mg of lamictal & still felt empty & sad all the time. My doctor suggested putting me back on Adderall. I agreed thinking that it would be nice to have the script so I can take it as needed for school. And I did. I didn't take it every single day but any time I had a big test coming up I would binge on it to study. I felt stupid without it. I got good grades but still felt guilty because it was only thanks to Adderall. At the beginning of this summer I vowed to not take it as I was only taking it for school & to wean myself off of the lamictal. 

That brings us to today. I am no longer on any medications. I'm trying to take multivitamins to help with the intense fatigue I always feel. I currently take folic acid, fish oil, Stresstabs, & hair skin & nails (I lost hair while on Adderall). I drink caffeine a lot but it doesn't help. I am eating healthier but I'm still so depressed & uninterested in everything. I feel like nothing makes me happy anymore. I can't get into a good tv series & I used to love reading but I'm just not interested. I want to start exercising again but I have no motivation to do so. Every day all I want to do is sleep. I have no interest really in hanging out with friends unless it involves drinking, but even that I have distanced myself from. I started having heart palpitations this past spring. The doctors didn't find anything severe but wanted me to wear a monitor for 30 days but I didn't want to. I still experience heart palpitations but I am hoping they will go away. 

I don't want to take Adderall again but I'm afraid that when I go back to school in the fall I will have no choice other than to take it for school. I feel dumb & unmotivated without it. I work as a waitress & I don't need Adderall when I'm at my job but for school work I feel like I do need it. I guess what I'm looking for is advice. I want so badly to feel myself again but I don't know when that will ever happen. Being addicted to Adderall was bad but this is almost just as bad. It's been a year since being addicted to Adderall & a few months since I took it occasionally as needed for school but I still feel so unmotivated. I know that this is due to having depression but I just don't want to go back on medication. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I know this was really long but I wanted to give as much background info as possible hoping others have been through what I'm going through & have advice to offer. Are there any supplements that have helped any of you with energy & focus? Thank you so much for listening 

[Frank B]

Welcome to the forum! When was the last time you actually took a adderall pill? A year or couple months I wasn't really clear on that. Just asking to get a good timeline for recovery. I really did not start to feel a big change until being off 100% until maybe a year and three months. 

Its sad to say far as depression pretty much all the bullshit doctors push will make us feel much worse and will make you more suicidal. Only thing that really did help me was Adderall it made me happy (in a fake way I was high) but after many years of abuse i became a junkie and also got hooked on pain pills along with it to make up for that lost euphoria adderall once gave me. Since being off addy the only thing that sort of helped was Wellbutrin out of all antidepressants it has the least side effects and not hard to quit just some mild headaches actually got off it myself now about a week working a lot outside in the sun gives me the same effect don't really need it but during the winter might have to go back not sure rather not be on anything.

 I think what you must do is force yourself to exercise. Once you start doing it get a routine you'll start to feel so much better. The hardest thing about starting is just that first day but once you do it feel so much better. Join a gym don't just try to work out at home being around others helps a lot try to find a workout partner make goals with them hold each other accountable to show up, or join a workout class. Try to avoid thinking about how hard school will be for right now #1 goal is getting your mind in a better place and exercising will start that process. 

 

[Depression]

Hi Frank! So the last time I took a pill was about 2 months ago. Sorry for the confusion, I was addicted for around 6-9 months. Then after that I hated Adderall so much because I quit cold turkey & the withdrawal was HORRIBLE. When I started school again after Christmas break this past spring my doctor prescribed me Adderall again but I was terrified of getting addicted to it but I missed the motivation it used to give me so I would take it occasionally during the week to study for school but nothing more. I felt like it made me antisocial & I work as a waitress so I never took it for work. I am now worried.. not to be addicted again because I hated that.. but to feel as if I can't succeed in school unless I take it to study. I definitely have ADHD, I have trouble focusing on anything but I just want to be productive without needing to take Adderall at all. I feel so guilty even when I take it occasionally now. 

I used to love exercising but now I'm just so scared to be around people & be a failure 

[Frank B]

People do not choose to get addicted while taking speed and you probably get addicticted again. Far as if you truely think u need it for ADHD is up for debate you think you need it because you were told so by the same people who profit from you using it. It's not like taking insulin where blood test show you must have this medication, ADHD testing is all up to a doctors judgment and I do not think amphetamines is needed. Proper diet can do more how many kids sipping on Dr Pepper in the fucking waiting room to be labeled ADHD. Society is fucked up we take no responsibly for ourselves or what we give our kids etc just want a quick fix from Dr. Feelgood. I hope you decide not to take it and see what your capable of clean, if your taking it still from time to time your just spinning your wheels and won't ever see true results it takes a lot of time completely off them to see the truth.