Self Love

[livey12]

 

I'm currently about 25 days since my last pill. I am feeling extremely tempted to call the doctor for a refill. Years of abuse has prevented me from learning how to cope with well, life really. Whenever I'm faced with something challenging or overwhelming I feel as if I can't do it alone ( aka sober). I'm in a tough position right now, I have no job and my husband is out of the country for his work.

I managed to stay off of adderall for around 50 days prior to relapsing. Recovering from that relapse has been a lot harder than I anticipated.

I feel so much better without it and I hate that I have been thinking about it lately. My sleep schedule is finally normalizing. Food intake is better but I'm probably still over eating. I'm more personable, stable, and kind. I was reading through old messages between my husband and I and my ability to become mean and aggressive was alarming.

Being on adderall made me mean and cruel. I was never affectionate with my husband and I was so moody. Being off of it I have rediscovered parts of myself that I had forgotten exsisited. Like the fact that I'm super goofy and silly. I can relax, take a nap when my body needs to, I've stopped grinding my teeth, my shoulder pain is gone, I can look people in the eyes. My digestive system is a million times healthier.

I Had an addictive father and grew up in a volatile environment. I am a very insecure person. During my first attempt at quitting I realized I didn't love myself. I'm trying real hard to practice self love. To me, loving myself means I am good enough without drugs. That I deserve to be fed nutritious foods, and exercise. I want to care enough about myself to do those things. Another thing I started during doing my first attempt to quit was exercise. I used to love to exercise and be active. On adderall I was too busy to do it. And My heart rate would get up to 200bpm. Yesterday was my first real day back in the gym since my relapse. It's crazy how fast your body looses muscle when you're not using them. Anyways, it was a good challenge and I am sore today! 

Sorry for all the rambling. Just needed to write down how I'm currently feeling. I was tempted at the start of writing this but now I am not. I can and will do hard things. 

[livey12]

I don't know what happened yesterday but I called in my prescription. The past few days have been rough I was feeling vulnerable... idk.

I took my "prescribed" dose of 60mg yesterday and I feel like total crap now. Didn't sleep, haven't eaten anything, started to become dizzy..

I flushed the remainder of the pills down the toilet. I can't keep living like this! 

[SleepyStupid]

On 9/19/2017 at 10:22 AM, livey12 said:

During my first attempt at quitting I realized I didn't love myself. I'm trying real hard to practice self love. To me, loving myself means I am good enough without drugs. That I deserve to be fed nutritious foods, and exercise. I want to care enough about myself to do those things.

one of my biggest struggles with quitting adderall was the feeling that everything i had "worked" so hard at, all the sleepless nights geeking out and trying to achieve my dreams... all of that would be for nothing. it was like quitting adderall was giving up the fight for my dreams, and i hated myself for it. i will never forget what someone at another forum said to me:

"Take care and be kind to yourself. You don't have to "win" anything, it is okay just to live "

this comment probably saved my life. it's hard to truly love yourself, and most people don't- but you don't have to be hard on yourself for that. be kind to yourself, be goofy, eat a tub of ice cream, watch a million hours of Netflix.. do whatever you have to do to just live for a little while, the rest will come back in time (:

[sadderall]

sleepystupid has got a point. be present.

There are small things i notice i have again since quitting. Like my sense of humor and my ability listen to people when having a conversation. 

good choice of throwing the pills down the drain. seriously. 

 

stay strong