Can't Believe it Happened to Me

[Kiona 20]

Somebody on reddit recommended this site, so here I am. Let's see if getting this all off my chest helps.

I've always known I have ADHD; I was diagnosed as a kid, and my parents had me on an adderall substitute, but I don't know what it was or for how long. I'm fuzzy with the dates, but when I'd left for college and was living on my own, I decided my depression and ADHD needed to stop if I was going to get anywhere in life, so I went to a doctor and got me some adderall. I wasn't expecting the high, and kind of started to use it to treat my depression more than my ADHD. It was great for a few months. Then it started working less, so I asked my doctor for a higher dose. And later on, it stopped working again, so I asked for a higher dose. I did this until I was taking 30mg three times daily (or at least, that's what I was supposed to be taking--I did closer to 300mg daily until my supply ran out). I've been on the stuff for two years, I think? I'm female, and was sitting at 120 lbs for most of my adderall days. Now I'm almost 200 lbs. I primarily interact with my dad's side of the family, and they hate drugs like adderall (if only I'd listened), so I never told anyone I was taking it.

It wasn't really my decision to get off the stuff; I just got sick of the withdrawal that followed every time I burned through my script in a few days. I finally figured that if I was going to go through that withdrawal phase, I was only going to do it once. I've fallen off the wagon twice, and this is day 10 since my last pill. I'm afraid I'll never get off it. The dopamine deficiency is killing me more than anything; I hate it, I hate feeling like this, I want to want to be alive again. I wish I'd never started taking this crap. I wish I'd researched it before I asked for the script. The worst part is, I can't tell my family anything because they'd disown me if they knew I'd got myself addicted to amphetamines. So I'm trudging up this hill alone, and everybody is getting super ticked off at me for how I'm acting, and that isn't helping in the slightest. I have a little bit of cushion because they know I'm depressed, but for the most part they're just making this whole process so much harder. I don't make enough to live on my own, so here I am, almost thirty and still living with my dad. I hate that, too. I don't know how I can possibly get through this, let alone get my life back on track.

The first time I tried to quit, I ended up calling out of work so many times they fired me. I have a new job now, and I'm afraid I'm going to lose it, too. It's so frustrating not being able to get any work done. I hate not being able to make it through my days without wanting to scream or maybe kill myself. It's so hard. I know other people have quit successfully, but it feels like I'll never be one of those people.

[EricP 261]

Glad you found the site and are working towards quitting! It is totally worth it in the long run however it takes true dedication and work.

Exercise as painful as that sounds will be your friend, try supplements as well. I am taking a number of things in addition to Tyrosine. 

The family and work part is a hard one. No one in my family or work knows I was on Adderall so everyone close just thinks I am a depressed and become lazy ass at the moment in my 4mo off. I have to try really hard to engage with people and show up to things I don't even want to attend just to keep under the radar in my secret rehab. 

I would suggest tapering however I think I read in another post you quit already. I quit cold turkey and had really bad side effects, went to doc and had numerous tests. Paranoid, trembling and horrible anxiety. These things are slowly going away. 

Even after 4mo,  days like today I took off work to get caught up at the house as I lay in bed not wanting to get up... So be patient and don't expect a miracle overnight, it's a day by day recovery that some days feel like a step forward and others two steps back. 

[Alyssa 17]

On 10/5/2017 at 8:32 PM, Kiona said:

Somebody on reddit recommended this site, so here I am. Let's see if getting this all off my chest helps.

I've always known I have ADHD; I was diagnosed as a kid, and my parents had me on an adderall substitute, but I don't know what it was or for how long. I'm fuzzy with the dates, but when I'd left for college and was living on my own, I decided my depression and ADHD needed to stop if I was going to get anywhere in life, so I went to a doctor and got me some adderall. I wasn't expecting the high, and kind of started to use it to treat my depression more than my ADHD. It was great for a few months. Then it started working less, so I asked my doctor for a higher dose. And later on, it stopped working again, so I asked for a higher dose. I did this until I was taking 30mg three times daily (or at least, that's what I was supposed to be taking--I did closer to 300mg daily until my supply ran out). I've been on the stuff for two years, I think? I'm female, and was sitting at 120 lbs for most of my adderall days. Now I'm almost 200 lbs. I primarily interact with my dad's side of the family, and they hate drugs like adderall (if only I'd listened), so I never told anyone I was taking it.

It wasn't really my decision to get off the stuff; I just got sick of the withdrawal that followed every time I burned through my script in a few days. I finally figured that if I was going to go through that withdrawal phase, I was only going to do it once. I've fallen off the wagon twice, and this is day 10 since my last pill. I'm afraid I'll never get off it. The dopamine deficiency is killing me more than anything; I hate it, I hate feeling like this, I want to want to be alive again. I wish I'd never started taking this crap. I wish I'd researched it before I asked for the script. The worst part is, I can't tell my family anything because they'd disown me if they knew I'd got myself addicted to amphetamines. So I'm trudging up this hill alone, and everybody is getting super ticked off at me for how I'm acting, and that isn't helping in the slightest. I have a little bit of cushion because they know I'm depressed, but for the most part they're just making this whole process so much harder. I don't make enough to live on my own, so here I am, almost thirty and still living with my dad. I hate that, too. I don't know how I can possibly get through this, let alone get my life back on track.

The first time I tried to quit, I ended up calling out of work so many times they fired me. I have a new job now, and I'm afraid I'm going to lose it, too. It's so frustrating not being able to get any work done. I hate not being able to make it through my days without wanting to scream or maybe kill myself. It's so hard. I know other people have quit successfully, but it feels like I'll never be one of those people.

(What kind of doctor prescribes 90 mg a day to a college student? sounds like 3 guaranteed mood swings a day)

Although I have not been able to quit for good yet I want you to know I understand completely how you feel. Try and remind yourself that although these thoughts you have are valid, your depression (or dopamine deficiency as you stated it) is causing these thoughts to be overwhelmingly negative and one sided.  Depression sucks because it can make you think that who you are while you are depressed is who you are as a person. For example, you're not "lazy". Sounds like you're just exhausted. But that will change soon, I can see you are on the right track  

You seem like a great person.  Don't take your life.  We on this forum understand you, you're not alone.  

also as a side note I would recommend telling your family you are addicted to adderall for more support. Or see a therapist who you can talk to about it, it helps me a lot  you got this! 

[EricP 261]

Yes no matter how bad it gets don't ever truly consider taking your life! You are most definetly "loved" and your life is "worth it"! 

Suicidal thoughts are "real" with depression. I have had depression before and never even thought of taking my life once then or before this... The depression that is present during withdrawal is like no other. It has for the first time crossed my mind a few times, not so much in a way that I would actually do, it more in a "if this doesn't ever get better" way of thinking...

Taking it "day by day" and working thru the tough ones will prove to you things get better. A lot of my days still really suck for me however comparing my notes to 1-2 months ago there is proof in time things do improve.

[Cheeri0 228]

Hey Kiona. I frequent the addiction subs on Reddit and recommend this site to all the speed freaks I come across there, so if it was me who sent you this way (I have the same username on both) then hello again. I identify so much with your story. I'm also female, mid twenties, and dealing with a metric fuckton of weight gain since my since my adderall days. I can't imagine getting through early recovery without being honest with my family, though. Are you sure they wouldn't want to know? It might relieve them to know what's going on, and the support would be very, very useful to you right now. I also completely understand being worried about the employment situation, keeping a Job in early recovery is tough. You really just have to accept that you're going to give your Job the bare minimum and let that be enough. 

300 mgs a day at 120 lbs is a lot of adderall. Your brain has a lot of adjusting to do, and it might take a while. But there's a lot to be learned on the journey, it's not all wasted time. I think the best advice someone could have given me early on would be to try and enjoy myself as much as possible. I know it feels like you don't have the dopamine to be anywhere close to happy, but if you stay sober long enough your life is going to change drastically for the better. Complete with rent to pay, relationships to maintain, and good jobs to kick ass at. Try to enjoy the time of minimal responsibility while you're working toward that point. Teach yourself how to be you again.

Honestly there's nothing that anyone here is going to tell you that's going to magically make you feel better, but we are a community that's been where are you. That knows how painful this is. If I were you, I'd looking into finding an NA group in your area. NA saved my life and I highly recommend it, especially if you have to be tight lipped about what you're going through at home. Please keep us updated!

[Alyssa 17]

^ what is NA? 

[Cheeri0 228]

@Alyssa Narcotics Anonymous!

[Mer 18]

Hey Kiona,

My experience has a few significant parallels to yours.  Like you, I was at a loss as to how to battle my ADHD and depression and felt like I was taking a step in the adult direction by seeking management for it.  And like you, I live with my parents.  I'm 29.  Like you, I experience supreme worthlessness and suicidal ideations.

I came home two months ago to quit and though my parents knew I was taking medication and were highly against it because of the way it altered my behavior, they aren't educated in the addiction to and withdrawal from it.  To them, a lazy, brooding, mono-toned shell of their daughter just crashed the comfortable little universe they'd been diligently maintaining and I have been too ashamed to talk to them about what exactly is going on.  Two days ago, my mom asked me, "So what are we going to do about this depression?  I think you need to talk to someone."  And you know what?  She's right.  I broke down and told her how hard it is to want to do anything at all after wanting to do everything, how my cognitive functions have slowed down, how social interaction is draining because I've been so disconnected from pure connection with another person for so long, how angry I am for being "lazy".

But I'm not lazy, and neither are you, or you wouldn't have proactively sought methods to combat a state you knew was holding you back from the things you want in life.  You recognized your journey to attain happiness and the possible aspects of your physical vessel that could be holding you back from that venture.  You aren't a lump by nature, even after adderall, or you wouldn't be so deeply ashamed of your lack of want.  You WANT to WANT.  I myself experience paralyzing anxiety that stems from a lack of belief in myself to soberly accomplish, deep shame for the ingratitude of my addiction and the things I lost from it, and a now untreated ADHD that spins every menial task into a web of "how the fuck can I possibly accomplish anything in life when I can't just do this thing?"  I am also pummeled with these flashbacks to my best moments on adderall, like when you start to get over a bad relationship and have an inner longing for the warm and fuzzy highlights that made you love that person.

But like jumping back into the dating pool after heartbreak, you're still getting your legs under you.  You're painfully insecure and unsure of yourself; you've had a reliable source of external control and now you only have your insides to work with--and you've been so out of touch with who you really are that you don't accurately understand what your feelings actually mean.  You won't bounce back to your prior state--but face it, treating depression with adderall meant that you were terrified of returning to that painful state in the first place.  So now you're where you dreaded, but with a battered ego and an exhausted brain.  And you're gaining weight, which is a traumatizing experience for anyone, especially women.  You can't compare your current self to your best self on adderall.  You have to look at the whole picture of your journey and try to summon some gratitude that your body endured so much abuse at the price of your ego.  My advice?  Tell the people you're afraid to tell if the shame of their opinions is affecting your current happiness.  Their disapproval of psychiatric drugs will be overshadowed (and probably strengthened) by their love for you.  It is a gift to be vulnerable with the people we love because it is painful to watch someone endure something we don't understand because we can see no way to help them.

You're like a delicate child right now, and you have to guide yourself accordingly.  The pain and shame of addiction keeps us in an altered consciousness, both regretting and longing for the experiences that culminated to this very state of being.  But look at how much you've changed in the past two years.  The way in which you battle addiction in the next two years will shape your future person in the same way.  You need to be as educated as possible, you need support, you need professional guidance, you need to be able to give yourself the tools so that you can trust yourself.  An impulse to isolate is actually a sign of loneliness, it is your feelings telling you that you're damaged and you need some external support and healing.  Supplement your cravings for adderall with love from family or friends.  Find a new social network where you can be seen as you are rather than as who you have been.  Don't sit in self hatred or disappointment, everything that you've ever been looking for is what you already are.

What you really need is to fall in love with yourself.  Thank yourself for seeking help, and admit that this attempt was a failure.  Failure is good.  We learn from failure.  Remember the things you loved about yourself before medication, the things you loved to do.  Keep a gratitude journal.  Allow your motivation to come from a place of love for yourself and the people around you; they have been working just as hard as you have to attain happiness, but without the use of adderall.  Learn from them.  Learn how to love and appreciate them again, learn how to appreciate and take care of yourself.  It's fucking hard, man.  Acknowledge that it's hard, but don't let that be an excuse to not do better, to continue seeking the life that makes you happy.

[Tom23Jones 173]

2 hours ago, Mer said:

Hey Kiona,

My experience has a few significant parallels to yours.  Like you, I was at a loss as to how to battle my ADHD and depression and felt like I was taking a step in the adult direction by seeking management for it.  And like you, I live with my parents.  I'm 29.  Like you, I experience supreme worthlessness and suicidal ideations.

I came home two months ago to quit and though my parents knew I was taking medication and were highly against it because of the way it altered my behavior, they aren't educated in the addiction to and withdrawal from it.  To them, a lazy, brooding, mono-toned shell of their daughter just crashed the comfortable little universe they'd been diligently maintaining and I have been too ashamed to talk to them about what exactly is going on.  Two days ago, my mom asked me, "So what are we going to do about this depression?  I think you need to talk to someone."  And you know what?  She's right.  I broke down and told her how hard it is to want to do anything at all after wanting to do everything, how my cognitive functions have slowed down, how social interaction is draining because I've been so disconnected from pure connection with another person for so long, how angry I am for being "lazy".

But I'm not lazy, and neither are you, or you wouldn't have proactively sought methods to combat a state you knew was holding you back from the things you want in life.  You recognized your journey to attain happiness and the possible aspects of your physical vessel that could be holding you back from that venture.  You aren't a lump by nature, even after adderall, or you wouldn't be so deeply ashamed of your lack of want.  You WANT to WANT.  I myself experience paralyzing anxiety that stems from a lack of belief in myself to soberly accomplish, deep shame for the ingratitude of my addiction and the things I lost from it, and a now untreated ADHD that spins every menial task into a web of "how the fuck can I possibly accomplish anything in life when I can't just do this thing?"  I am also pummeled with these flashbacks to my best moments on adderall, like when you start to get over a bad relationship and have an inner longing for the warm and fuzzy highlights that made you love that person.

But like jumping back into the dating pool after heartbreak, you're still getting your legs under you.  You're painfully insecure and unsure of yourself; you've had a reliable source of external control and now you only have your insides to work with--and you've been so out of touch with who you really are that you don't accurately understand what your feelings actually mean.  You won't bounce back to your prior state--but face it, treating depression with adderall meant that you were terrified of returning to that painful state in the first place.  So now you're where you dreaded, but with a battered ego and an exhausted brain.  And you're gaining weight, which is a traumatizing experience for anyone, especially women.  You can't compare your current self to your best self on adderall.  You have to look at the whole picture of your journey and try to summon some gratitude that your body endured so much abuse at the price of your ego.  My advice?  Tell the people you're afraid to tell if the shame of their opinions is affecting your current happiness.  Their disapproval of psychiatric drugs will be overshadowed (and probably strengthened) by their love for you.  It is a gift to be vulnerable with the people we love because it is painful to watch someone endure something we don't understand because we can see no way to help them.

You're like a delicate child right now, and you have to guide yourself accordingly.  The pain and shame of addiction keeps us in an altered consciousness, both regretting and longing for the experiences that culminated to this very state of being.  But look at how much you've changed in the past two years.  The way in which you battle addiction in the next two years will shape your future person in the same way.  You need to be as educated as possible, you need support, you need professional guidance, you need to be able to give yourself the tools so that you can trust yourself.  An impulse to isolate is actually a sign of loneliness, it is your feelings telling you that you're damaged and you need some external support and healing.  Supplement your cravings for adderall with love from family or friends.  Find a new social network where you can be seen as you are rather than as who you have been.  Don't sit in self hatred or disappointment, everything that you've ever been looking for is what you already are.

What you really need is to fall in love with yourself.  Thank yourself for seeking help, and admit that this attempt was a failure.  Failure is good.  We learn from failure.  Remember the things you loved about yourself before medication, the things you loved to do.  Keep a gratitude journal.  Allow your motivation to come from a place of love for yourself and the people around you; they have been working just as hard as you have to attain happiness, but without the use of adderall.  Learn from them.  Learn how to love and appreciate them again, learn how to appreciate and take care of yourself.  It's fucking hard, man.  Acknowledge that it's hard, but don't let that be an excuse to not do better, to continue seeking the life that makes you happy.

Wow... I'm not one of them but I just want to say there are some awesome writers on this site.... and they're writing this beautifully without fucking adderall.  The support of this fellowship we have on this online forum gives me goosebumps sometimes.  I feel just as connected to you folks as the people I sit with in the rooms of NA  

[Kiona 20]

@EricP Well, I talked to my doctor, and I think I'm going to try tapering. This is just too much for me to handle. He gave me 5mg/day with two days off between scripts. It's not even a tease, but it's something. Upside: 5mg is so useless, I'm not even tempted to take more than one. 10mg is useless to me, too. And 50mg. I could take the whole bottle at once and it wouldn't do anything for more than half an hour. *Sigh* Thank you very much for your comments!

@Alyssa Thank you. My family definitely wouldn't be understanding on this point, though--they think drug addicts are morons and a drain on society. It'd kill them to learn I'm one of those. They "raised me better than that," after all. I appreciate your comments!

@Cheeri0 Hello! Yes, it was you that sent me here. Glad to see you again!  Thank you for your comments. I'm already settling in to this forum, and I think I'll definitely stick around. This is a nice place.

@Mer Ah, yes, it sounds like we have a lot in common. I'm glad to know I'm not the only one in my position. (You write beautifully, by the way--have you considered publishing professionally if you haven't already?) You've been incredibly helpful and encouraging, thank you so much!!

[EricP 261]

So glad you plan to "try" either way! Don't give up! Maybe after your gaps the 5-10mg will at least ease the edge... Best of luck, my body really depended on my dose as I am still struggling and spending a lot of money on vitamins and health food to try and compensate. I had a good run of almost 2 weeks of feeling pretty good then this week I got really depressed and energy crash all over again. So frustrating...  One day at a time.... 

I guess everyone is different 5mg did what I needed and was even a lot for me for a long time. Wasn't until the last 6-8 months of the last year I was on it that it seemed to drop off and have negative effects.  

[Alyssa 17]

Have you seen this video? It talks about addiction and society. really short and really interesting  Not trying to persuade you to tell your parents, you know what's best, but thought you'd like this!