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starting again after 10 years/ thank you


Frances B

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Hey Frances, welcome to the forums!

You have quite the story, and I can relate to a lot of what you're going through right now. I, too, was using a daily cocktail of speed and liquor, and while I would hammer away in an office all day, my behavior outside of work was, at times, downright horrific. Some of the things I've done and situations i put myself in are really unspeakable, and after 15 months clean, i still bury the memories because they are too much to face. I doubt this is healthy, but for the time being, I am at least coping. I always had the same 'fuck it' mentality that you speak of, or at least I thought I did, but in reality, as long as I was still tweaked out I was numb to the ways my actions were affecting me. I never had to deal with anything. Realizing this will help you start to separate the real you vs the using you, you won't behave the same way, and you'll see you weren't really crazy but someone stuck in the cycle of addiction who is finding a new way to live.

The fact that you enjoy your new job and are still good at it without adderall will benefit you greatly during this process. I kept the same job when I quit and it was an uphill battle for a long time. 

Right now, I think the best thing you can try to do is be kind to yourself and learn to forgive yourself. I spent months locked up in my apartment, withdrawn from the world, consumed with guilt, self-hatred, and not knowing how I'd ever climb out of this massive hole I'd spent years digging myself into. That is a dark place to be and only keeps you trapped. Force yourself to do things when you don't want to, surround yourself with positive people, check out NA, do anything but dwell on the past.  Take it one day at a time, those days add up quick and eventually you get to a place where the memories don't hurt like they once did, they're there, they're always there, but you'll put so much distance between them, replaced with positive actions and experience, that you'll hardly recognize that person but you'll see how much stronger you are for now having had gone through it.

best of luck to you. Please stick around and keep us posted on your progress!! We are glad you're here :) 

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