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sleepystupid

ugh. relapse

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so i have to come clean, if for no other reason than i owe it to this site for all the help and support it has provided me over the years. this may very well be a TRIGGERING post for some, but i really needed to get this out there.

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i quit cold turkey a little over 2 years ago, and while it wasn't easy by any means, i was never tempted to go back to that life. for those that don't know, i was a binge user. 150mg+ a day, awake for 5 days a time, absolutely annihilating my body and mind. i would blow through my script in a week and half, then just drag myself through life for 3 weeks until i could get high again. it was like that for at least 3 years of my 6 year addiction. when i finally decided to quit, i had been on Wellbutrin for a few months already which i continued for another few months to ease the early recovery process. i then quit that cold turkey as well.

basically for two years, i've been "kind" to myself- not pushing myself beyond what was required at work, not forcing myself to get into hobbies, gaining tons of weight, etc. most of my evenings would be spent watching 4+ hours of TV. i had no motivation to pursue my passions (music and writing), i could hardly motivate myself to do even enjoyable things like videogames- it seemed like too much effort. but i kept telling myself, it's okay- be kind to yourself. to be fair, it worked for a while. i also smoked a good amount of weed, but there were also periods (months) of being completely clean.

it wasn't until recently that i started realizing a powerful depression taking hold of my life. it wasn't a sadness, or loneliness- i have plenty of friends and a loving girlfriend. it was an inability to enjoy their company, an inability to do anything productive, an inability to affect my situation. my work started slipping- at some point i was doing barely an hour worth of actual work a day. thankfully im at a small company with basically the equivalent of tenure here, so frankly i could probably get away with it forever. but that's not what i wanted for myself. i wanted to thrive again.

well TLDR, i decided i was going back to my pdoc to get back on Wellbutrin as it had been helpful in the past. at first, it was ONLY Wellbutrin on my mind. then slowly as the appointment drew closer, the temptation set in. i thought to myself:  "man, my tolerance is probably way down now" , "maybe ill just get 1 script, just to jumpstart my life back on track"... then there was a fuck it moment. "im gonna God Damn get some Adderall, and enjoy it for a little while." and so i did. pdoc started me on Wellbutrin and 1/3rd of my adderall dose from before. no surprise- i blasted through that adderall script in about 9 days. i was awake for almost 5 days straight- shaking, twitching, geeking out. but shit- i knew that was going to happen.

so now its 2 weeks later. there wasn't much of a rebound from the bender, maybe a day or two of grogginess. i feel fine- in fact i feel great. the wellbutrin is absolutely helping. i'm a bit more motivated at work, looking around for a new job, getting back into writing poetry.. but that next appointment is coming up again in a week... 

i honestly don't know what's going to happen.

thanks for reading.

 

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Thanks for sharing. Sorry to hear that. Go back and read your old posts. You have about a zero % chance of being able to moderate use, and it won't work the way you hope anyway. Hopefully this path you're on now doesn't kill you. I was at the funeral Wednesday night of my 30-year old friend who wasn't so lucky.

I had a similar run in with my pdoc around 2-2.5 years. Thank God I had these forums and people IRL to talk me off the edge.

"I honestly don't know what's going to happen." That's bullshit. Whether you ask for Adderall again or not is YOUR CHOICE. Sack up and cut yourself off. You're starting to slip into a victim/addict's mentality. You're better than that. Get back on the horse. 

To Everyone Else - if you're struggling, come here and share about it BEFORE you do something stupid.

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I am not going to judge your actions or tell you what to do... You have to do some deep thinking and make a choice. 

I think for yourself and your loved ones you need to think of the long term risks and your being there for them. The associated risks to your body, heart, stroke, brain damage and strong links to Parkinson's should all be on your mind. 

Is the risk of "feeling better today" worth giving up in trade for not enjoying life later? The possibly not being there for your family or the burden of a serious disability?  

My worst days are "short" when I consider the years ahead I plan to enjoy with my loved ones.

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 Quit again and force yourself to work out daily and get on a good diet. It can be done on addy I normally weighed about 195lbs it wasn’t that I over ate but drank pop regular redbull and ate McDonald’s, candy bars etc anything that’s fast had no time for a real meal. Now I eat more but much healthier avg around 175lbs for last year plus. Yes I still struggle with ambition at times but my work has improved I don’t work harder just smarter. Far as the hobbies I had on addy I let it go no longer can I spend 200 plus hours tediously restoring vintage pinball games going days at a time no sleep. Found out it was all a  waste of time anyways cannot sell one and get a fraction of work involved doing them. But when first quitting I thought would be the end of the world giving up that hobby now I’m like fuck it who cares. You had a relapse but not the end of the world find that second wind and new determination to quit you can do this! 

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Also this time you quit change your user name you label yourself that then what other outcome you expect? Adderall picked that username for u this time you choose and choose your own destiny. 

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I've been there. Twice, in fact. It's discouraging, but it doesn't mean you've failed. Your brain is still recovering, you can still move forward. I know the feeling you describe intimately--of not knowing what's going to happen at the next doctor's appointment--and it's a really stressful one. All I can recommend is doing your best to put it out of your mind and just focus on your recovery. Dwell on all the good that you've done yourself so far, not the ways you've failed. You can make it. You can definitely do it. If other people have, then so can we.

Whatever happens at your next doctor's appointment--whether you fall off the wagon again or not--don't give up on your recovery. Best of luck to you! Feel free to message me anytime if you want to talk.

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On low days like today for me I could chance relapse for that instant reward. I just keep telling myself tomorrow will be better and it usually always is...

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On 10/27/2017 at 0:41 PM, hyper_critical said:

"I honestly don't know what's going to happen." That's bullshit. Whether you ask for Adderall again or not is YOUR CHOICE. Sack up and cut yourself off. You're starting to slip into a victim/addict's mentality. You're better than that. Get back on the horse. 

thank you for this. you're totally right- it's my choice. i don't think that adderall has a grip on me like it used to, i think i was just getting bored with being miserable and wanted to enjoy myself for a little while. this is in stark contrast to my rationale before, which was to use adderall to accomplish something "great" with my life. i did end up getting that 2nd script, finishing it in 7 days, and almost picked up a third but thank God my pdoc had to reschedule for later in the month.

so did i enjoy myself? yes and no. it didn't end up jump starting anything in my life really.. i honestly ended up spending most of the binge just downloading porn, jerking off and trying to not act too high at work. i'm actually weirdly thankful that im such a hardcore binge user, because this relapse was not drawn out. the toll it takes on my body and the fears for my health are so acute that it's shaken me back my senses.

thank you to everyone for your support (:

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10 hours ago, sleepystupid said:

thank you for this. you're totally right- it's my choice. i don't think that adderall has a grip on me like it used to, i think i was just getting bored with being miserable and wanted to enjoy myself for a little while. this is in stark contrast to my rationale before, which was to use adderall to accomplish something "great" with my life. i did end up getting that 2nd script, finishing it in 7 days, and almost picked up a third but thank God my pdoc had to reschedule for later in the month.

so did i enjoy myself? yes and no. it didn't end up jump starting anything in my life really.. i honestly ended up spending most of the binge just downloading porn, jerking off and trying to not act too high at work. i'm actually weirdly thankful that im such a hardcore binge user, because this relapse was not drawn out. the toll it takes on my body and the fears for my health are so acute that it's shaken me back my senses.

thank you to everyone for your support (:

Man if your going to self indulge with self destruction just do cocaine and buy a hooker make for a better story at least. Look at Congress that’s how they do it lol. Well I can’t say your useage is anything like mine definitely sounds like it’s more of a party drug for you vs pure work motivation for me. You maybe right it is possibly better your wired that way for binge use only hopefully you can quit again. I know if for me going back would be very hard to start over again don’t even want to think about that. It’s so hard the thought of it still calls so long after you stop I don’t think any other drug comes close and I’ve done a lot of them in my lifetime. 

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12 hours ago, Frank B said:

Man if your going to self indulge with self destruction just do cocaine and buy a hooker make for a better story at least. Look at Congress that’s how they do it lol. Well I can’t say your useage is anything like mine definitely sounds like it’s more of a party drug for you vs pure work motivation for me.

lol, been there done that- cocaine and hookers are far more expensive ;) 

my usage was at some point the "pure work motivation", but that was years ago. i think for me the underlying depression at some point changed what adderall meant to me- i didn't care about being productive, or being great, because i hated myself. at that point, i was just chasing a high with a rapidly increasing tolerance.

 

12 hours ago, Frank B said:

I know if for me going back would be very hard to start over again don’t even want to think about that. It’s so hard the thought of it still calls so long after you stop I don’t think any other drug comes close and I’ve done a lot of them in my lifetime. 

i absolutely agree with this. i cannot imagine EVER going back consistent use like it used to be. back then, i actually believed that adderall was the only way for me to be successful, but as we all know that's simply not true. also, once you have disrespected a substance as i have, there is no going back. i will never be able to use adderall for anything besides getting high, so my struggle is quite different, but in a way, simpler now. i will not become a speed junkie again.

 

"for every chemical, you trade a piece of your soul" - Billy Corgan

 

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Cocaine wold have likely been an easier and healthier addiction in ways. I have an old friend that got addicted to Meth and tried quitting many times. Wasn't until he followed the suggestion of someone at an NA meeting to try switching to coke for a few months then slowly taper off that he was able to quit everything 100%. He is 5yrs sober now.

Not suggesting, just saying ;)

 

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2 hours ago, EricP said:

Cocaine wold have likely been an easier and healthier addiction in ways. I have an old friend that got addicted to Meth and tried quitting many times. Wasn't until he followed the suggestion of someone at an NA meeting to try switching to coke for a few months then slowly taper off that he was able to quit everything 100%. He is 5yrs sober now.

Not suggesting, just saying ;)

 

I was just joking about using cocaine but for me if I fuck up I’d rather be it coke vs adderall. But not put in those situations these days in my early 20’s different story. I often wonder what exctasy would be like post adderall. But then again couldn’t imagine the crash bet it would be so awful . Just glad I’m grown up with kids now have to be responsible can’t do that crap anymore. That’s  probably why I loved addy so much a drug that got u high everyday while being very productive, until it stops working and starts destroying your life. 

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I knew you were joking! It did make me think though that if I could go back and choose coke over Addy maybe I'd been better off. Who knows. Yes most of us too old and/or mentally way past the days of experimenting with any substance. 

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21 hours ago, Frank B said:

Just glad I’m grown up with kids now have to be responsible can’t do that crap anymore. That’s  probably why I loved addy so much a drug that got u high everyday while being very productive, until it stops working and starts destroying your life. 

 

yea, these days, even if i wanted to get my hands on drugs like coke and ecstasy, i simply don't know enough shady characters anymore (thankfully) lol. i guess that's what made the temptation so great for me when i went for my appointment.

in my youth, i was definitely the most experienced drug user of my social circle, but i had never gotten addicted to anything. i was always in total control. adderall is a different beast because most people don't take it to get high, they take it to "upgrade" their lives. with this intention, its not a drug but a tool. and the tool works so damn well in the beginning! becoming the "perfect" version of yourself is quite possibly the greatest high imaginable, no?

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