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Nicole88

Just need to vent

19 posts in this topic

Tomorrow will be 17 months adderall free, but I am embarrassed and somewhat horrified to admit that the past few days I have had incessant thoughts that if I had anything, I would use it. I don't know where these feelings are coming from, but I do think now that I am affected by seasonal depression. I've been in a pretty good place for almost 7 months and out of nowhere I feel consumed with hopelessness. I'm sure it will pass, and I don't plan on going back, but this sucks.... 

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I feel you Nicole, I’m at 17 months as well and this time of year is also hard for me. Just something depressing about it getting dark so early and all these holidays parties and socializing make me want to use.

I'm not considering adderall, I fully believe I’ll never put that shit in my body again, but I’ve been kind of obsessing about alcohol (which I haven’t had for almost 6 months).  I’ve also craved pain pills to get through some of these social gatherings (which I haven’t touched for well over a year).

i hate when I start romanticizing alcohol. I start obsessing about how a nice whiskey is just another masculine thing I should be able enjoy but I know that’s bullshit. I’m being more manly by being different and being strong enough to not give in to a temptation.

and discipline equals freedom. If I choose to have alcohol in “moderation” I’m once again a prisoner to a substance 

 

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I’m in month 20 and I totally know what you’re going through. You think at 17 months you should be completely over Adderall but for some reason it still haunts you sometimes. It’s totally normal to have what I think are flashbacks but it will pass. The season does bring some depression and sad thoughts so that is to be expected. You won’t act on getting Adderall but yeah the thought does pop into your head.

Just keep moving forward and remember how bad the first year was. Do you ever want to go through that again? I didn’t think so. Stay strong and you’ll have some awesome days in the next few months like I did. Even so, I’m at 20 months and I still read his site a lot! Fuck Adderall.

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I felt like that understand completely. I hate to push something I haven’t given 30 days but this Lithium Orotate supplement I started about 2 weeks ago has really started to turn things around for me. I’m a few months ahead of you but honestly did not feel different until I started taking it. I actually put up Xmas lights on my house  , rearranged my bedroom, really organizing my office finally after two years. Started selling or throwing away crap I don’t need.  I still take breaks etc not like some addy binge but I finally have motivation to do more than the bare minimum during a day. Of course sticking to a good diet and exercise regrually know that helps also. Just google it see what you think long as your not taking some form of antidepressant be perfectly safe to try. 

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Thank you all so much for responding. I really really needed to hear that. I'm so grateful for this community.

@Tom23Jones you're so right, something in the combination of the weather and holidays sends me in a tailspin until I don't see the point of anything. I'm with you on craving pills to get through social events. I never really considered benzos a doc for me but rather a means of coming off adderall but I find myself occasionally wishing I could take it again. Have to shut that down immediately lol. Alcohol is definitely a tough one, so I can relate to that. It's just in your face everywhere. I haven't managed more than 90 days without it but it has caused me enough heartache in the past to give it up completely so it's something I am still trying to figure out. Keep it up, hopefully at 6 months you are through the hardest part. :)

@Danquit i absolutely do not want to go through that again!!! I don't think I even could tbh, that was the worst year of my life. I'm glad you are feeling good at 20 months, I feel like my recovery has mirrored yours in so many ways that I can almost base my expectations off of your updates lol. I don't know what I would do without this site and have no plans to ever stop reading :) And I agree, fuck adderall!!!

@Frank B I'm going to go ahead and order some. I know, like me, you have tried every supplement under the sun so I am hopeful that I might also see the benefits of this one. I'm really happy you found something that works for you. As for diet and exercise, ive FINALLY gotten into a regular gym routine and am going 4-5 times a week with almost no exception. My diet could still use some improvement, and that is a work in progress. Hoping that as I get more and more consistent that I will continue to feel better. 

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Good luck really hope it benefits u and others on here much as it has me. Any questions feel free to message me. I know sound like some spokesman selling some bs but it really has made a noticeable difference in my case hope it continues. 

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I am not sure about Franks dose however I take two of these (link to brand below) in the morning and two in the afternoon. Frank had posted a video with recommendations as well that had dosing recommendations toward the end. I started taking it with a vitamin cocktail I began daily that helped me but it's direct effects were mixed with all the supplements however I can say since Frank posted I have tried it by itself during times of a little anxiety or uneasiness and it really helped stabilize me...

https://www.amazon.com/NCI-Advanced-Research-Lithium-Orotate/dp/B000VHCU8M/ref=sr_1_3_a_it?ie=UTF8&qid=1513011889&sr=8-3&keywords=lithium%2Borotate&th=1

 

 

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@Nicole88  glad that you were able to overcome the temptation. i was not- relapsed two scripts in a row around month 24. but i did start taking Wellbutrin again, and i think that's been helping.

i too shall try out this Lithium Orotate- should probably check for interactions with the Wellbutrin though..

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@sleepystupid I can see how easy it would be to still relapse that far in. I have had more 'fuck it' moments than I could possibly count, esp in that first year, and the only thing that kept me from relapsing was the sheer fact that I didn't have any adderall. I tried to get on Wellbutrin but doc refused to prescribe it to me and instead said I was bipolar and tried to give me an antipsychotic. Think that was around month 10 and since then have not even considered another drug, so sick of, as frank put it, being a lab rat for big pharma.

Glad you picked yourself back up and are trying again. Hope the lithium orotate works for you. I plan on posting my experience in the next few weeks.

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6 hours ago, Nicole88 said:

@sleepystupid I can see how easy it would be to still relapse that far in. I have had more 'fuck it' moments than I could possibly count, esp in that first year, and the only thing that kept me from relapsing was the sheer fact that I didn't have any adderall. I tried to get on Wellbutrin but doc refused to prescribe it to me and instead said I was bipolar and tried to give me an antipsychotic. Think that was around month 10 and since then have not even considered another drug, so sick of, as frank put it, being a lab rat for big pharma.

Glad you picked yourself back up and are trying again. Hope the lithium orotate works for you. I plan on posting my experience in the next few weeks.

Did they try to prescribe you Abilify?? I had 3 different docs reccomend it, read horrible things about it... there must be a kickback on that shit or something...

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9 hours ago, EricP said:

Did they try to prescribe you Abilify?? I had 3 different docs reccomend it, read horrible things about it... there must be a kickback on that shit or something...

No, it was called Vraylar. I'm sure they're getting kickbacks for both. The whole thing was messed up. I went into the appointment intending to ask for Wellbutrin but also was trying to be as honest as I could about my situation and history of substance abuse. He told me I had 'mood issues' and that I needed a 'mood stabilizer.' It sounded innocent enough, and since he said it wouldn't cause weight gain I thought I would give it a try (serious lapse in judgement after everything I've been through I should have known better). So I look this stuff up as soon as I leave and that's when I find out it's an antipsychotic with HORRIFIC side effects, INCLUDING massive weight gain, but even scarier was brain volume loss!!! Even worse was that this crap was still under patent, $1200 before insurance like 300-400 with insurance. I pretty much just called the office back, flipped out, and have not made another appointment anywhere since lol. 

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49 minutes ago, Nicole88 said:

No, it was called Vraylar. I'm sure they're getting kickbacks for both. The whole thing was messed up. I went into the appointment intending to ask for Wellbutrin but also was trying to be as honest as I could about my situation and history of substance abuse. He told me I had 'mood issues' and that I needed a 'mood stabilizer.' It sounded innocent enough, and since he said it wouldn't cause weight gain I thought I would give it a try (serious lapse in judgement after everything I've been through I should have known better). So I look this stuff up as soon as I leave and that's when I find out it's an antipsychotic with HORRIFIC side effects, INCLUDING massive weight gain, but even scarier was brain volume loss!!! Even worse was that this crap was still under patent, $1200 before insurance like 300-400 with insurance. I pretty much just called the office back, flipped out, and have not made another appointment anywhere since lol. 

 

wow, its fucking terrifying that the people that are supposed to be making decisions for your well being are influenced so easily. i had a similar experience with a past pdoc. i had moved from another city where i was being prescribed ~60mg a day, and found this guy in my new town. he was the only pdoc nearby that was in network for my new insurance. upon seeing him, he flipped out on how much i was being prescribed, refused to prescribe it and instead put me on two new (at that time) medications: Vyvanse and Pristiq, no doubt because it was in his best interest.

now in retrospect, he was probably right to flip out on the adderall given that i was abusing it anyway, but im convinced that his decision on the change in medication did not have my best interest in mind.

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2 hours ago, Nicole88 said:

No, it was called Vraylar. I'm sure they're getting kickbacks for both. The whole thing was messed up. I went into the appointment intending to ask for Wellbutrin but also was trying to be as honest as I could about my situation and history of substance abuse. He told me I had 'mood issues' and that I needed a 'mood stabilizer.' It sounded innocent enough, and since he said it wouldn't cause weight gain I thought I would give it a try (serious lapse in judgement after everything I've been through I should have known better). So I look this stuff up as soon as I leave and that's when I find out it's an antipsychotic with HORRIFIC side effects, INCLUDING massive weight gain, but even scarier was brain volume loss!!! Even worse was that this crap was still under patent, $1200 before insurance like 300-400 with insurance. I pretty much just called the office back, flipped out, and have not made another appointment anywhere since lol. 

WOW that's nuts!

My aunt recently innocently stopped her abilify (also an antipsychotic) after it caused weight gain after only a few months of being on it. She got violently sick with major anxiety on top of it... She had no idea it was from abilify withdraws and went to ER had every test her docs could think of over a two week span until they finally related it to her stopping abilify!

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On 12/10/2017 at 9:39 AM, hyper_critical said:

Some PHENOMENAL stuff here: 

 

Thank you for sharing this. Wow, so much great advice. I read over these posts several times over the past few days and they really helped me get grounded again on why Im doing this in the first place

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It happens. Glad it helped. Grateful for the community on here. : )

Every time I have felt hopeless over the last 4.5 years. Every. Time. Tremendous growth was just around the corner. 

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17 minutes ago, hyper_critical said:

It happens. Glad it helped. Grateful for the community on here. : )

Every time I have felt hopeless over the last 4.5 years. Every. Time. Tremendous growth was just around the corner. 

Love that! I wish there was a way to put in words the gratitude I feel for this community, I truly feel it saved my life and I know countless others feel the same. Does Mike still come around/see donations made to the site? 

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We've emailed off and on. He def still sees donations, albeit sometimes takes him a few months. Think he's busy with other projects...a gift of getting and staying off Adderall for a long time. ; ) 

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