Speeder906

Obligatory Relapse Rant / Update

8 posts in this topic

Hey y'all. 

It's 2am and I'm awake, on this forum, so you guessed it.. back at it again and I didn't think it was possible but I've hit a new low. Probably just need to rant a little and get it out of my system in the fee hours I have before I have to 'wake up' for work tomorrow.. err I mean today.. 

I thought I was really done with this crap. I told my psych id like to stop Adderall cause it doesn't help anymore and I was free for a while until she put me on Ritalin. Idk why but I agreed thinking maybe this will be different, maybe I can use stimulants properly just not Adderall... Less than 24 hours later poof! Month's supply gone and the worst part? I was empty and zoned out the whole time but I still took more hoping I'd feel something eventually. Next thing I know school is piling up and in a panic I write her asking to go back to Adderall for the rest of the quarter. Quick fixes at it's finest, am I right?

It's so sad how I really genuinely believe this refill would be better, I wouldn't binge it, I was happy Adderall free generally so why would I want to lose all that? 

Next thing I know it's almost 3am, three days and approx 500mg later and my brain is fried. I'm so exhausted you guys. Not from the lack of sleep, food, and social interaction but exhausted from the constant reminder that I'm getting worse every passing month. It's exhausting to prove myself right that I'm an addict. Then to prove myself wrong that I can survive without it. Half of the month is usually me Adderall free and the short period of time with Adderall is always the worst. Every time.

Probably gonna delete this post tomorrow but for now I'm gonna leave it at this cause I really gotta sleep. I have a pounding headache and I have had it for days. Praying work isn't hectic. Also praying my heart doesn't quit on me. Surprised it hasn't with the blur of a few days it's been. 

Byeee

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Nothing I say will motivate you to stop. The pain and suffering from that cycle will be the only thing strong enough to make you stop. One day you'll have had enough of that terrible cycle. It will get old. Do yourself a favor and stop now. Good luck. 

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Thanks Sean. Clearly I was in a bad place last night haha. You're totally right tho I thought I was already at that point a couple months ago but I guess I was wrong. Just trying to get through the day at the moment. Appreciate the reply. 

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Yeah trust me I understand. I've been there. Eventually something has to give/break. There were like 20 times where I was sure I was ready to quit before I did and to be honest I was pretty much forced too because my source was cut off and I would have to reschedule a doctors appointment if I wanted to start again and just didn't. You can stop if you have to. 

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You're killing yourself.

Let go. You don't have to live this way anymore. 

Tell people in your life about what's going on and ask for help. You should seriously consider inpatient rehab. 

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Well life isn’t fair and life can be very hard challenging off it but obviously on it you are worse off possibly close to dying. I hope u can be strong stop and start over. 

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You never have to use again. YOU NEVER HAVE TO USE AGAIN. Let that sink in.

Please, don't delete this post. As heartbreaking as it is, it's part of your journey. One day you'll look back on it and be grateful you took the time to reach out. It's a courageous thing to do. You're so, so valuable and beautiful the way you are.

You're also not alone. You're one of us. We all know how this feels. We know the hell. Welcome. Come weather this storm with us. It's not always fun, but it's so fulfilling when we all join in and jump hurdles together. 

This disease will kill you if you let it. The fight is fixed.

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On 2/3/2018 at 6:13 AM, Speeder906 said:

It's so sad how I really genuinely believe this refill would be better, I wouldn't binge it, I was happy Adderall free generally so why would I want to lose all that? 

yea, this is really the crux of it. it's the acceptance that it will never be different. your useage is very similar to mine- once you binge you can never go back. it doesn't matter what you believe before you start- it's like Jekyll and Hyde, or Banner and the Hulk.. the moment you get high, you become a different person. that person has a COMPLETELY different agenda than the sober you. he's not out to help you- he just wants to stay alive as long as possible, so he just pop pills for several days straight.

sober you needs to realize how dangerous this type of use is, and know that you will never be able to return to a therapeutic dose.

 

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