Different experience

[Emmz12 8]

Hey all I am posting again because I really want to know what you all think. I have had a very different experience with adderall than everyone else on here. Although I too felt I could not function without it, I was on therapeutic doses for 20 years. I was on between 10 mg to 20 mg every day and never did I feel the need to do more. I felt normal, balanced, and a sense of clarity. I was however obsessed with the question of could I function without it. I ran across this site and decided to give it a try. I'm currently 14 months in and, while yes, I am surviving.... I am not thriving like I was on adderall. I am lethargic, I am tired. I have no motovqtion, paired with a job that allows me to sleep in past noon every day. I feel like such a waste of space, and now depression and anxiety are creeping in. To the doctors it's a no brainer. Get back on adderall. I had little to no side effects and I was completely in control of my dosage. But I do remember feeling like a slave to it. Constant worry about whether I accidentally forgot my medication, or god forbid if someone stole my prescription out of my purse (happened multiple times in college)... being off of it for even one day was way worse than being off of it for 1 year +. When it's in my system and I forget to take it for a day I am not at all functional. 

Currently im getting by, occasionally indulging in a pre work out drink to help me get to the gym. I actually feel like myself after I've had a pre work out drink, but surprise surprise it's got an amphetamine in it. 

I just don't know what to do at this point. I'm so tired of being scattered and tired and not motivated... is this a chemical imbalance? Or is it from 20 years of therapeutic daily adderall use? I'm so unhappy about life and don't see the point in living his way. It seems so much easier just to get back on it, but what if it really is ruining my brain and I just keep making it worse the longer I'm on it! I need help!!!

[SeanW 414]

Personally I couldn't imagine being on it for life. Being 70 years old and have been on it for 50+ years I would think it would have serious health effects and coming off it at a later age I would think would be harder on you. I'm not sure what to say because I don't want to encourage the use but the fact that you were on and stayed on such a low dose and didn't abuse and for so long your health risk are definitely minimized. I would definitely give it another year and really contemplate all aspects and risk of using. I really sympathize with you for being on for so long it must be significantly harder for you but you're doing it! I hope you feel better and things get better. 

[EricP 261]

Congratulations in your journey to quit after so many years! While not many here have been on adderall for 20 years there are a few myself included that only used therapeutic doses. For recovery purposes I personally don’t believe it matters as much the “dose” as it does the length and consistency of use. Therefore someone who would binge just on weekends with a 100mg high would have a much easier time quitting altogether than someone who did 10-20mg daily. Also consider that some people are more sensitive than others. Low dose did a lot for me yet others I know need 4x what I took to get the same described bennifits. Even when I was younger and friends of mine would party passing cocaine around on a plate doing 1-2 lines each time it slowly went around a room, I couldn’t do more than 1/4 what they did and would pass up many rounds. Meanwhile tweaked out! We all have our own tolerances.

Adderall changes brain chemistry and once used daily the mind becomes dependent on the adderall for operation and motivation to function. Taking adderall is like instant food for the brain flooding it with rewarding dopamine without having to work for it. Once this is process is interrupted the brain has to begin remapping itself back to its normal state of operation and relearning what things trigger the natural rewards.

In some ways it may never be the “normal” you once had pre adderall however you will live a “new normal”. We have to keep pushing ourselves to do and feel new things to help grow our new mind. It is a slow processs that we’re all in, so Very Slow you can’t even grasp the progress unless you have taken a journal along the way or if you flash back say 6mo to a challenging moment or social situation and think of how you were then and realizing you could do much better in same scenerio now.

i don’t have a solution for you however I think you are doing the right thing and don’t discount how responsible the meds are in this, it’s not your fault! Keep posting and stay strong, we’re all in this together!

[Subtracterall 161]

IMO you should continue to stay off. You have made it 14 months, I don’t think that’s long enough to be fully recovered. from what others say it can take three years. You have made it this far. Don’t give up now or you will have to start over from scratch.

Even tho you took a low dose and seemed to have it under control, you’re not going to be able to take it into your 60s and 70s, so eventually you have to come off. 

We know what the potential long term heath consequences are and they are not desirable.  Will you avoid any health consequences because you took a low dose? only you can decide if it’s worth the risk to go back on, but I don’t think it is. I was forced into quitting because of cardiovascular side effects. The cardio problems seemed to come out nowhere but they are bad enough that I can’t take Adderall anymore. so you never know when this drug is going to turn on you.  Sounds like you’ve been lucky so far. I took a somewhat low dose (20-40 mg per day, every day) but for 12 years.  I have also been off for about 14 months and I do not feel fully recovered. I still feel exhausted most of the time and very much unmotivated but I expect this is going to get better with more time off the drug.  

Congrats on making it 14 months.

 

[Frank B 1,164]

I do not think any pre workout drink can legally have amphetamines. Normally jacked up with caffeine and vitamin B. I have heard some supplements from China can have a lot of different crap mixed in because they do not clean out the mixing buckets or whatever properly and cross contamination happens.

I’ll be honest if I had no bad side effects and it kept working for me no way would I have quit. Not trying to say get back on it just be honest with yourself of why u quit. 

[SeanW 414]

Some have some very distant derivative which is hardly even related to the amphetamine family usually put in there because of the name knowing someone will be like "whoaaa! This has a methyl-1-blah-amine , in it!! " 

[SeanW 414]

But they do have ridiculous amounts of caffeine and thermogenic stuff that'll prolly get you jacked like a very low dose of adderall

[Emmz12 8]

17 hours ago, Frank B said:

I do not think any pre workout drink can legally have amphetamines. Normally jacked up with caffeine and vitamin B. I have heard some supplements from China can have a lot of different crap mixed in because they do not clean out the mixing buckets or whatever properly and cross contamination happens.

I’ll be honest if I had no bad side effects and it kept working for me no way would I have quit. Not trying to say get back on it just be honest with yourself of why u quit. 

I shouldn't have said I didn't have side effects... but the side effects didn't nearly affect me as much as the day to day withdrawl. I was so useless if I didn't take it for one day. Couldnt keep my eyes open, they would roll in the back of my head constantly. I can't even describe the feeling. Like it was agony to keep my eyes open. But I don't think I would have actually fallen asleep and stayed asleep, just continually nod off over and over again. This no longer happens to me (thank GOD) as it was the worst of my withdrawl symptoms. I can function a lot better than I would be able to before but I still have a long ways to go. I am currently stuck thinking is this low motivation because of the adderall or is this a separate depression issue. I'm also feeling very indifferent about things. Not super happy, not super sad, just I don't care. I guess I was feeling that way on the adderall as well though.

[Subtracterall 161]

“Couldnt keep my eyes open, they would roll in the back of my head constantly. I can't even describe the feeling. Like it was agony to keep my eyes open. But I don't think I would have actually fallen asleep and stayed asleep”

i remember this withdrawal symptom when I would try to abstain on weekends..it led me to take it 365 days a year never able to get through even one day without it. 

[sleepystupid 615]

20 years is a long time. i'm tempted to ask whether you even remember a time before adderall, and what you were like, but at this point that comparison would be meaningless. i think your reason to quit is as valid as any: "do i really want to take this for the rest of my life?"  i've heard the argument made that a diebetic needs to take insulin for the rest of their life- how is this different? i'm not a fan of this argument, mainly because the diagnosis criteria for these diseases are very different. many people aren't even convinced adult ADHD is a real thing. either way, it seems to be that adderall is probably not a life or death type intervention, so the next question is how bad is it for you? 

here's a really in depth article written by a physician on the potential risks of adderall, from a purely medical standpoint. (thanks to @Speeder906). it's long but the TLDR is that if used as prescribed, it has few long term health risks. as with everything, you need to approach these kinds of articles with skepticism, but i think that aside from the physical health risks, adderall poses a depedency risk which you have already experienced. if you miss a dose, you're less than useless.

http://slatestarcodex.com/2017/12/28/adderall-risks-much-more-than-you-wanted-to-know/

that being said, 14 months off after 20 years on is not long enough to answer the question of whether you can function without adderall for the rest of your life. you need to give yourself at least 2 years. i'm sure you've read plenty of stories on here- 14 months is a fantastic accomplishment, but the depression and apathy you're feeling is still quite normal for this length of time.

hang in there! you OWE IT to yourself to find out what being completely free of amphetamines feels like. (:

[EricP 261]

Yeah 20 years is a LONG time! And given you didn’t have much for side effects it would be tempting to just stay on it...

However what happens if these side effects show up later say in your 60’s and then have to go thru this process when your mind and body have far less ability to heal and less tolerant to change?

14 months is awesome and I would definitely keep going! Having that much time invested would be a real bummer to give up especially if your getting close to a healthy pivot point in your life.

[Kimber 89]

How old are you?  

My journey sounds similiar to you...was on for 17 yrs and only off 6 months. I took 10 mg forever and had gotten up to 40 mg just with last 2 years of my 17 years, when the noticeable side effects started occurring.  And never binged or abused, and like you struggle off and on...

Something else to think about is for women our hormones start to deplete as early as mid 30s and only get worse and can cause  similar symptoms.... depression, lack of joy...  And I crave an Adderall to help on those blah days...having today, but I kinda just say screw it and get through it some how...because like others, if not stopping now, when? I CANNOT imagine being a 70 yr old woman on Adderall. Or a 70 year old woman trying to get off of Adderall....

When I feel like this, this site is where I come.  Thank goodness for this place.

 

[Subtracterall 161]

Hi Kimber, I hear you on the curiousity about the age thing. I’m 43 now but when I first got hooked on Adderall I was 25. 

It is difficult for me to differentiate between which physical symptoms are Adderall recovery related and what is a result of naturally decreasing levels of hormones/increasing age.

I suspect I am perimentopausal and I’m also starting my mid life crisis and when you add that to Adderall recovery you get a real sh!t storm. 

 

 

[Kimber 89]

On 2/23/2018 at 1:36 PM, Subtracterall said:

Hi Kimber, I hear you on the curiousity about the age thing. I’m 43 now but when I first got hooked on Adderall I was 25. 

It is difficult for me to differentiate between which physical symptoms are Adderall recovery related and what is a result of naturally decreasing levels of hormones/increasing age.

I suspect I am perimentopausal and I’m also starting my mid life crisis and when you add that to Adderall recovery you get a real sh!t storm. 

 

 

SOOOOOO true.  I just turned...ugh 50, and started Adderall 17 years ago...my decreasing levels of hormones has been much worse than most of my friends and one of the main reasons I quit was to hopefully eliminated everything that could be contributing to this horrible way i was feeling....and at 6 months physically MUCH better...motivation, drive, are up and down as is the blahs....  and YES shit storm is about the best way to describe it....