Cj19

Day One

20 posts in this topic

Today was my first day. I’m 28 and have been completely dependent on adderall for work for about a year now. In college I took it semi regularly from friends but only to crash study in the library. Once I started my desk job post college I didn’t touch it for years even though I was tempted, then about a year ago as my work responsibilities grew I started borrowing from my friends again and was pretty much taking it everyday. I got my own script about six months ago and have been taking around 20-30 instant mg since throughout the day. At first I was just taking it a few times a week but now I rely on it for almost every work task. My comedowns are awful and I’m sick of being in a fog at night and telling myself it needs to stop. I go to the gym regularly after work and have awful comedown headaches nearly everyday. 

I don’t take it on weekends but I’m constantly napping then  

I’m ready to Stop and feel like a person again  

Today was day one and it was hard. I had a headache throughout the day and concentrating wasn’t easy. But I got through it and am in good spirits. For me, I’m not as concerned about depression and mood swings because my mood was awful when I was on adderall. After the initial high ran off, I was in awful spirits daily, so even though withdrawal will be hard being on it wasn’t good.

By far I’m most concerned about being able to concentrate again and do my job well. My job is demanding and I have a lot of responsibilities. I don’t really have time for a “do nothing” stage. I can certainly take it easier and find ways to get by during the withdrawal but  I’m nervous when my next major assignment comes in that I’ll feel debilitated without it. It’s become such a crutch for everything at work.

I’m committed to doing this cold turkey and this website has been helpful. Anyone who has been a similar situation with tips would be much appreciated. Specifically any supplements like B12, fish oil, etc that have helped anyone for work in a similar spot. Thanks much. 

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Well you were on it for a relatively, significantly short time and a pretty regular/low dose so recovery should be at most 6 months to a year. You're just going to have to force yourself to get shit done and it should be possible to do so with the short time and low dose you were at. You can do it, it's just going to suck really bad. No supplement is going to be noticeable after using adderall. You'll just need time, exercise and a healthy diet. Maybe some caffeine to supplement. You won't be at the level you were as far as work but you can still do a decent job it'll be hard and mostly likely never feel as good as it did on adderall but you can do just as good a job. You'll just have to force yourself and eventually it won't be so bad. I know you're feeling rough but don't keep using because it can get 100 times worse. Imagine 5-10 years and doses up to 100-150mg days without sleep and food. You don't want that. Not trying to degrade your situation because it's all relative just want to stress stoping and that you're in a good position to do so.

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I know because where you're at is about when I first considered stopping for the same reasons. Terrible come down, felt absolutely shitty after the high wore off and didn't want anything to do with anybody. And I can think back to then and when I finally stopped three years later at triple the dose and triple the pain. I wish I had done so when I first considered stopping. 

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Thanks. Thats deffinetely the point I’m at. I’ve been telling myself I need to stop and there won’t be a good time...based on stories here the longer I wait the worse it will be. I’m super worried about work when it picks up, but I just need to get it done like I have in the past. 

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Yeah just get it done and before you know you'll be a badass getting shit done regardless

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16 hours ago, Cj19 said:

I’m committed to doing this cold turkey and this website has been helpful. Anyone who has been a similar situation with tips would be much appreciated. Specifically any supplements like B12, fish oil, etc that have helped anyone for work in a similar spot. Thanks much. 

Hey ! Right on you got this ! I’m new to the recovery and it’s HARD I was on a small dose everyday for a year. I quit cold turkey about 5/6 weeks ago now. This group is amamzing. I scroll through the threads and just remind my self that this isn’t permanent. It’s hard. It SUCKS. Just don’t quit keep going forward sober  ! Anxiety and panic attacks have been hell. Well that’s my hang up. I recently got a therapist( highly recommend )  and I’m taking vitamins ! I am taking one from key nutrients called de-stress ! It’s awesome and on amazon. Drink loads of water. All the omega 3,6,9. Take it one day at a time. 

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18 hours ago, Cj19 said:

By far I’m most concerned about being able to concentrate again and do my job well. My job is demanding and I have a lot of responsibilities. I don’t really have time for a “do nothing” stage. I can certainly take it easier and find ways to get by during the withdrawal but  I’m nervous when my next major assignment comes in that I’ll feel debilitated without it. It’s become such a crutch for everything at work.

yea, this is definitely the toughest part of recovery. it's why the "do nothing" stage is so important if you have that luxury. understandably, many people don't, and the pressure to perform can make it very tempting to return to adderall.

here's something to consider: there is a difference between performance and delivery. adderall makes you feel like everything needs to be done at the highest level of excellence. this is why abusing adderall can actually end up making you less productive. when you come off adderall, you can't and shouldn't measure yourself against your adderall self. the regular you is more than capable of delivering under pressure. you just have to re-learn what a sufficient job actually means. it's a skill that every "normal" person has to rely on from time to time. (:

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On 3/2/2018 at 3:22 PM, sleepystupid said:

 

yea, this is definitely the toughest part of recovery. it's why the "do nothing" stage is so important if you have that luxury. understandably, many people don't, and the pressure to perform can make it very tempting to return to adderall.

here's something to consider: there is a difference between performance and delivery. adderall makes you feel like everything needs to be done at the highest level of excellence. this is why abusing adderall can actually end up making you less productive. when you come off adderall, you can't and shouldn't measure yourself against your adderall self. the regular you is more than capable of delivering under pressure. you just have to re-learn what a sufficient job actually means. it's a skill that every "normal" person has to rely on from time to time. (:

Thanks. 5 days in now and today was my 2nd work day. It’s hasnt been easy but I’ve gotten through it. Just hoping that once this initial withdrawial phase passes that I’ll build up the ability to concentrate better. Understand it takes time. 

The headaches during the day have been tough also, but nothing compared to the comedowns I would have. Excited for this to pass...nights have actually been more enjoyable so far not feeling constant comedowns. Yoga and meditation have helped too. 

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Hey CJ, I'm trying to get clean to. I made a post about a week ago talking about my situation, check it out if you're interested. It seems like there is a good chance you'll be able to overcome your problem if you start now. 6 months of 30 MG IR daily isn't too bad, well, in terms of quitting in comparison to many others. If you were to continue that for a long period of time I think that would become a huge issue, but like SeanW said 30 MG IR is a fairly low dose when comparing to people with terrible addictions. I would use on average 50 XR MG (25 IR MG) and for about the past 7 months this went on. I am currently in school, entering exam season, so quitting has been VERY hard for me. I had a few tests and got average grades on them, and have been finding it hard to focus. HOWEVER, there is hope for you, as I myself feel like I can start to focus on things a bit better (although not entirely). Having said that, I am much younger (21 years old), but I feel like you and I have a good chance to come off it completely. Just keep doing you and stay sober, I have been clean for the past 10 days, and although I have been using marijuana to somewhat cope with any withdrawals/urges to get high, I feel like I will be able to stop marijuana and everything all together by the summer (in the sense of getting over using marijuana or other substances for physical needing purposes). Anyways, just stay strong! I wish you the best!

-Fix

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10 hours ago, Cj19 said:

Thanks. 5 days in now and today was my 2nd work day. It’s hasnt been easy but I’ve gotten through it. Just hoping that once this initial withdrawial phase passes that I’ll build up the ability to concentrate better. Understand it takes time. 

The headaches during the day have been tough also, but nothing compared to the comedowns I would have. Excited for this to pass...nights have actually been more enjoyable so far not feeling constant comedowns. Yoga and meditation have helped too. 

awesome, keep it up! and before you know it it'll be a month and you'll be feeling a lot better!

one of best feelings in the world after quitting adderall is not having to worry about those chemical mood swings and dealing with comedowns. for the first couple of months, you may still have some depression, but i think it's still better than dealing with the comedowns. then a few months after that, your mood will stabilize, and it becomes such a relief to feel emotionally normal again. (:

 

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I can totally sympathize with how you're feeling. I've been prescribed for roughly 5 years and just landed a new job, which I start next week. I've wanted to stop taking it for over 2 years..but also am terrified about my ability to focus without it. I'm using this new job opportunity as a final straw to stop once and for all...hoping that the adrenaline of starting at a new company will help with initial fatigue. I just cant keep doing this anymore and hope to god that I can stick with it. keep me posted on everything as I'll be right behind you with my first day clean on Monday :)

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5 hours ago, justwannalive said:

I can totally sympathize with how you're feeling. I've been prescribed for roughly 5 years and just landed a new job, which I start next week. I've wanted to stop taking it for over 2 years..but also am terrified about my ability to focus without it. I'm using this new job opportunity as a final straw to stop once and for all...hoping that the adrenaline of starting at a new company will help with initial fatigue. I just cant keep doing this anymore and hope to god that I can stick with it. keep me posted on everything as I'll be right behind you with my first day clean on Monday :)

the excitement of starting something new can definitely help through recovery. the only reason i made it through was that i started seeing someone new, and the excitement of that relationship kept me mentally and otherwise occupied (:

if you're starting the new job on Monday, maybe you should start your first clean day tomorrow, so you have a couple of days to vegetate? good luck!! 

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11 minutes ago, sleepystupid said:

the excitement of starting something new can definitely help through recovery. the only reason i made it through was that i started seeing someone new, and the excitement of that relationship kept me mentally and otherwise occupied (:

if you're starting the new job on Monday, maybe you should start your first clean day tomorrow, so you have a couple of days to vegetate? good luck!! 

I’d agree with this maybe start tomorrow if you can to give yourself a few days. Today is 1 week for me and the past 2 days have been significantly better than the first 5. The first 2 work days were rough but now I’m able to at least be productive for half the day. L tyrosine and b12 have helped me get through the withdrawal phase a lot. Good luck! 

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Try vitamin B2 200-400mg for the afternoon headaches. My doc turned me on to it and has helped save a ton of Advil for me.

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On 3/8/2018 at 8:28 PM, EricP said:

Try vitamin B2 200-400mg for the afternoon headaches. My doc turned me on to it and has helped save a ton of Advil for me.

Thanks. Do you take it in the afternoon before the headaches?

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3 hours ago, Cj19 said:

Thanks. Do you take it in the afternoon before the headaches?

I have been taking 400mg in the morning and another 400mg in the afternoon after lunch.

I have also missed days and took upon the onset of a headache however it is not as effective taken symptomaticly for me.

It has really helped when I take it ahead of time as a preventative. I hope it helps, let me know how it works out for you!

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So I’m almost a month in now and here are some updates:

I feel like I’m at a bend but don’t break point. As I expected, once I got pat the initial withdrawal the mental impacts weren’t too difficult for me as I wasn’t on adderall for much more than a year. However I’m still having a very tough time concentrating at work. I’ve been a bit lucky that these past 4 weeks happened to be slower so it was a good time to quit, but things are picking up quickly and I have a rough few weeks ahead. These are the moments where I hve been tempted to take it again. I’ve been able to be semi productive and get my job done without anyone notciving a difference, but as things pick I’m quite scared how I’m going to be productive. I’m in a demanding job and demand a lot of myself, so not having the will power to get through is frustrating. I think the adderaline of quitting helped me power through the first few weeks rather easily but now that reality of work is settling back in I’ve deffinetely had thoughts and romanticized taking it again. I just have to keep reminding myself of how awful those comedown nights were and not feeling like myself. Trying to stay strong...

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this is great news, congrats! (: 

and you said it yourself- you just have to keep reminding yourself why you stopped in the first place. being adderalled is NOT a sustainable state, especially if you're abusing it (and arguably even if you genuinely need it). what no one tells you when you first start taking adderall for that competitive edge is that once you know that feeling, you will never un-know it. that is the real risk of adderall dependency and addiction, particularly for people with "demanding" careers.

eventually this recovery period will pass, and you will be on the other side. you will likely still have friends that use, or notice people around you using, but you'll know the thing that they don't know about it. you no longer need that crutch!

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UPDATE:

So today is my 2 month mark, and it’s been quite the struggle. As expected, my biggest hurdle has been concentration and the worst unexpected impact has been the mental fog. I’d say 2-3 days a week my fog is so awful that I’m basically debilitated at work. I’m starting a new job in a few weeks and want to hit the ground running so I’m super worried about this. I feel myself on the verge of relapse but I’m trying to stay strong. I don’t have my script so I don’t even have a way to get it but my worry is that I’ll want to go above and beyond at the new job and call my doctor. 

 

The fog fog is absolutely miserable I feel brain dead at times and just want to nap. I’ve used B12, occasional L tyosorine and I regularly workout but I just can’t kick this. Does anyone have experience with when this started to get better or any advice? I’m just so miserable like this. 

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its unfortunate but we live in a society where work is prioritized over health, so it's no surprise that you're feeling pressure and temptation to perform. these are very real concerns, so i won't take that away from you, but here is another very real fact: there will never be a better or perfect time to quit. 

not to diminish your struggle, but you've only been using for about a year and at a relatively low dosage. NOW IS THE TIME TO QUIT FOR GOOD. think it's bad now? imagine trying to quit after adding another few years and tripling your dosage. you're concerned about your career, which is totally understandable, but going back to adderall is a sure fire way to destroy it. speeding your way through life is simply not sustainable, so either you quit now or quit later when it will be much harder and you'll have much more to lose.

that being said- this is a really inopportune time to be starting a new job, but what's done is done. you need to accept that you may not be able to hit the ground running. you need a plan for managing your behavior and work load for the first month or so. i think things will improve dramatically for you in the next month or two, so hang in there, and just remember that your life is more important than impressing your new boss (:

 

 

 

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