Ready to be done

[OnSomething]

My story probably isn't much different than anyone else's on here but thought I'd share anyways, in case someone reading it can relate. 

I was prescribed Adderall my Freshman year of college. My dad is ADD and this drug (at a way lower dose than I was even started on), from what I saw, helped him. I didn't abuse the drug the first year, however, my grades dropped & I started having depression, which I didn't link to this drug. I ended up transferring schools to be with a guy who cheated on me my first week there, and it changed me, so I ended up staying in an abusive relationship with him. 

I didn't take this drug seriously and I started taking an extra 20mg occasionally for long days and then my brain made that connection: higher doses of Adderall helped me feel better about myself in my abusive relationship. So I started taking it carelessly, and somewhere along the line, I stopped keeping track of how much I took or when. I'd whip through my bottle within 1 or 2 weeks and just take some from my dad when I ran out. Long story short, my life turned to shit and I still couldn't blame the drug for it. I grew up with a heroin-addict sister, so it was easy for me to downplay my own addiction because it didn't look like hers. This drug has taken over my life and I know I can never go back to my prescribed amount because it will never make me high.

I have been tapering off, and my life has improved some, but at this point, I'm just stalling. I hate how I feel on this drug and I hate how I feel without this drug. Tomorrow is my first full day sober, I was just wondering if anyone had tips on how they emotionally handled everything? I literally feel like I'm having to re-learn how to be human again. 

God bless you all!!!

[SleepyStupid]

hi OnSomething,

welcome to the forums! thank you for sharing- whether our stories are similar or not, we all have a shared experience here which is what allows us to support one another. your usage in the end was very similar to mine. finish my script in a week or so, get some from my addy buddy, buy some on the side.. anything to get through the rest of the month till the next re-fill. i also didn't blame the drug for a long time. i rationalized that the pill itself was the only thing left that could make my dreams come true, that I was the problem for not being able to control myself and use it for "good". i think that was around the point that i gave up all hope of succeeding, i just accepted that i was a loser and used adderall to just get high and make myself feel better about my shitty life.

8 hours ago, OnSomething said:

I hate how I feel on this drug and I hate how I feel without this drug.

it sounds like you're finally in the right mindset. it becomes so emotionally draining to "manage" your demeanor, interact "normally" with people while riding the roller-coaster and chasing a high. one of the best things (if not the best) about ridding your life of stimulants, as simple as it sounds, is not having to worry about how you're going to feel from one moment to the next. there will definitely be a period of re-learning, but your empathy will return quite naturally. it is the other part of re-learning, the productivity side, that is the most difficult part of recovery. you need to re-learn how to put effort before reward.

if you're still in school, this is absolutely the best chance you'll get to quit. there are many campus resources you can turn to for help, and professors can be surprisingly supportive and accommodating if you need the extra time. the important thing here is to have a plan, and keep us updated on your progress (:

 

 

[OnSomething]

Hey SleepyStupid! I’ve been too tired to reply when I get home but I’ve made it this far w/o any Adderall! You’re totally right about how chasing that high really puts you through SO many moods a day. I don’t know you but I would argue you weren’t a loser before you quit, this drug is just absolute trash and took everyone here down with it. Thank you for your support, I’m sure I’ll be on this site a lot! Off to bed now lol