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LiberatedMind

I fell again, hard. This invisible demon is torturing me.

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I was doing so well for a while.  About 3 months, something like that.  Well sort of well, I was taking Sudafed every once in a while and sometimes often to compensate for occasional lacks of energy and wakefulness, more often than needed though.  I don't know how "well" it's considered if I am copping out with something else, if I even ever left my addiction or just pretended to leave it.  I went back to Adderall in the end.  Probably was still feeding my addiction by taking the Sudafed, who knows.  Probably.  Most likely.  Psychologically, for sure no doubt.  But it gave me some release, some ability to cope.  I didn't feel the narcotic effect, just general wakefulness, that's all. 

Anyways, I started taking again about a month ago.  And of course I jump right back into it right where I left off, as if I never took a break.

I find my sweet spot, my sweet environment, my sweet habits, my sweet slavery - at the price of everything else.   It fends off general dissatisfaction with myself by helping me enter a sweet spot, an illusion.  It's a sweet spot that I have certain terrible habits in, but I feel good in.  But I also become an asshole.  I get too focused and obsessed with things I shouldn't.

I ruined a budding connection last night.  I went on 3 dates in the past week with a girl I really liked, all off of Adderall.  I did terrific.  Connection was being built.  I invested myself and applied myself and felt real happiness doing something real, at least I believe so.  Things also started getting sexual a couple nights ago in our last date, not all the way but it entered that realm and it entered it very naturally as we were making out at the beach while it was raining.  We got soaking wet while passionately making out.  It was real.  It was going great.  Yesterday I took Adderall to help catch up on some work and I also continued chatting with her on WhatsApp, and this is where I fell.  I became too hyperfocused and obsessed, I kept on repeating concepts and revisiting certain topics, it turned her off.  I could have disengaged on several instances from the conversation and just waited until tomorrow (i.e. today), which would have potentially saved it despite me being a hyper obsessed fuckboy, but of course I didn't do that; and I just had to push, of course I had to push.  And push I did.  Something was making me "hunt and go for the kill", so to speak.  I can't even seem to think about the other person, I just hunt, that's it.  I must satisfy that one "sweet spot".  And when she gets mad at me for being an ass, I become a bigger ass, removing any personal responsibility over something that is 100% my own fault and completely preventable.  Great way to ruin the passion and any remaining implicit romance, congratulations to myself.  I am an idiot.

The above story isn't the first time this sort of thing happened.  But it's the most recent, and it feels the worst that I recall - because I invested so much in it.  I worked on the connection like never before.  I wanted a REAL connection, so I went against my nature and accepted the fact that delayed gratification is part of the game, for anything real.  I did well.

Being completely without Adderall though, that feels bland.  Life is boring.  I am boring.  It feels that way.  Stupid mundane torture.  Day in and day out, and I am getting older not getting any younger.  If there is no point and I can't seem to be building myself, maybe at least I can enjoy my days?  That's where Adderall comes in.  Hello bandaid.  Why live with open wounds?

But then I cover them up with Adderall bandaids, and it makes me ill in my head.  I feel fucked without it, and I feel fucked with it. 

I don't even know where I am going with this.  I honestly despise myself right now, I would even go as far to say I hate myself.  I am beginning to doubt whether I have free will or not.  I mean yeah on a micro level I do, meaning individual days - at least I think I do.  But on a macro level, I have the same exact patterns of behavior that do not seem to change, even if I think they are.  Things that take time to build, get ruined in literally moments. 

I am frightened.  I feel trapped. What is the end game here for me?  This is an invisible demon that I cannot seem to tackle or get rid of, and this demon always seems to be in control even when not present.  Even without Adderall my life doesn't seem to get much better, days feel stupid and pointless and pass really fast.  I feel stupid, I am not stupid though.  I am smart person, I am intelligent.  But I seem to lose my faculties, and something replaces me.  When it doesn't replace me, it makes sure that I am well aware of how bland I am and how bland my days are, and how I am still alone and living in illusions that the future gets better.  Time depresses me, I currently only see a future of a middle aged lonely man who did nothing with his life, completely alone and with nothing.  This is the image I have of myself right now, and it's the image I have in the back of my head when I am sober but I suppress it with workouts and music and fantasizing of the future, always in the future my mind is.  And this neverending image of myself gets relieved by my momentary sweet spots, slightly less torture only to be returned by slightly bad habits which in turn reinforce the very negative image of myself that exists with or without Adderall.  Fuck me.

This is like navigating a maze completely blind without being aware that you are even blind and the only way to exit the maze is to read the escape instructions that I can't even read and every new corner I turn appears to be progress only to bump in another wall trapped again. 

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2 hours ago, LiberatedMind said:

Being completely without Adderall though, that feels bland.  Life is boring.  I am boring.  It feels that way.  Stupid mundane torture.  Day in and day out, and I am getting older not getting any younger.  If there is no point and I can't seem to be building myself, maybe at least I can enjoy my days?  That's where Adderall comes in.  Hello bandaid.  Why live with open wounds?

why do you say there's no point? you just spent all this time relating a beautiful story of meeting a girl and making out in the rain- isn't this the point? 

this story hits so close to home for me. i too met a girl and she was the reason i finally quit for real. she was also the reason i was successful. being in love (especially the first few months) has a magical kind of energy that you can't get from anything else. it keeps your life exciting and fulfilling even if everything else seems like torture.

here's what you need to do: first you need to stop using. then you need to call her up and save that relationship. just tell her that you took an Adderall that day and you realize what a jerk it made you seem like. she doesn't need to know about the full history just yet, but if things were going as well as you say they are, she will probably understand.

 

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Yes, actually you are right.  The process itself was nice, and actually we did hang out a few more times until we split because we actually weren't very compatible personality-wise.  I personally would rather my motivation to stem from my inner drive and not due to a person I am interested in, as that can be temporary and is a very shaky foundation to depend on. 

Thank you.  What you wrote did help me to put things into perspective.

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On 5/13/2018 at 7:25 AM, LiberatedMind said:

I personally would rather my motivation to stem from my inner drive and not due to a person I am interested in, as that can be temporary and is a very shaky foundation to depend on. 

yes totally agree! unfortunately, i'm the kind of person that operates better when i have some external accountability, so in this case i'm very glad it was there.

On 4/23/2018 at 7:45 AM, LiberatedMind said:

I honestly despise myself right now, I would even go as far to say I hate myself.  I am beginning to doubt whether I have free will or not.  I mean yeah on a micro level I do, meaning individual days - at least I think I do.  But on a macro level, I have the same exact patterns of behavior that do not seem to change, even if I think they are.  Things that take time to build, get ruined in literally moments. 

regarding "free will"- you absolutely have it. isn't choosing to do something, even though you know you shouldn't, an exercising of free will? you are choosing to continue using. you're right in that choices are made at the micro level, but negative patterns of behavior develop from a lack of discipline. i'm not saying that it's easy to be disciplined.. simply that disbelieving free will is a defeatist position.

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On 5/14/2018 at 10:34 AM, sleepystupid said:

regarding "free will"- you absolutely have it. isn't choosing to do something, even though you know you shouldn't, an exercising of free will? you are choosing to continue using. you're right in that choices are made at the micro level, but negative patterns of behavior develop from a lack of discipline. i'm not saying that it's easy to be disciplined.. simply that disbelieving free will is a defeatist position.

Yes, I am choosing it.  But (and this is sort of a philosophical question) I keep on wondering why I tend to always choose the same things, at least thus far.  I am not making a claim that I have no free will or control, I am simply expressing my disheartened meta observance on my own patterns of behavior that they repeat themselves in an almost identical fashion over and over and over, year after year - like for example I quit completely and then go back almost in the same fashion every time, then I take it like crazy every time until I am so sick of myself doing it and then quit again, on repeat for the last 3 years.  So yes, I definitely AM choosing in the moment - but I question whether or not I am really choosing or something else (and idk what "that" might be) is choosing for me. 

I am basically experiencing feelings of doubt, not concrete defeat and I have definitely not given up.  But these doubts about myself in general are very disturbing to me, because it feels like this will go on forever like 3 months on 3 months off (or whatever but the patterns repeat). 

And I feel horrible expressing this, especially on this forum because no doubt others are experiencing the same or much worse and I have no intention of causing doubt in others.  This is related to myself personally, and I hope my doubts are completely wrong.  I just feel a bit controlled by something that is not exactly "me", and that is terrifying.

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Addiction robs us of our free will. The intellectual framework is pretty clear in my mind. It takes persistence and a lot of internal work to regain your "agency" after you quit. But it's SO worth it. 

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On 5/15/2018 at 1:04 PM, LiberatedMind said:

And I feel horrible expressing this, especially on this forum because no doubt others are experiencing the same or much worse and I have no intention of causing doubt in others.  This is related to myself personally, and I hope my doubts are completely wrong.  I just feel a bit controlled by something that is not exactly "me", and that is terrifying.

there's no need to hold back your thoughts or concerns- that's what this forum is here for (:

i apologize - i was a bit pedantic with my earlier response. of course we all have free will, but as @hyper_critical said above, addiction robs us of the ability to will ourselves out of addiction. 

regarding negative patterns of behavior, i'm of the belief that they exist because we are trying to compensate for some deficiency we perceive in ourselves. it's easy enough to identify during recovery: i'm a lazy shitheel and don't enjoy anything.  if this is the only thing leading you back to using, then the answer is simply "give yourself time". but it may be helpful to ask "why did i get addicted in the first place?". i've used plenty of other drugs in the past- never got addicted. plenty of people are able to use adderall recreationally- don't get addicted.

i'm not sure i have a great answer for this, but i think for me it came from a desire to "prove myself" to the world. i didn't like who i was, so i created this vision of myself as a successful musician. i spent most of my adolescent life convincing everyone (and myself) that i would spend my life doing this. sure- i was talented.. but when i actually took a couple of years off to focus on it? i spent most of that time smoking weed, playing videogames and wasting the opportunity. i hated myself for it. and then came adderall. it made me feel great about myself. fuck yea. i can totally do this, AND take on a Master's program AND make my parents proud of me, AND, AND.. 

i like to think that the pattern of behavior broke for me because i redefined who i am and what makes me happy. it is, for sure, a different vision than before. perhaps even less ambitious. but i feel confident than i will never need adderall to fill in the gaps again (:

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On 5/16/2018 at 1:43 PM, sleepystupid said:

regarding negative patterns of behavior, i'm of the belief that they exist because we are trying to compensate for some deficiency we perceive in ourselves. it's easy enough to identify during recovery: i'm a lazy shitheel and don't enjoy anything.  if this is the only thing leading you back to using, then the answer is simply "give yourself time". but it may be helpful to ask "why did i get addicted in the first place?". i've used plenty of other drugs in the past- never got addicted. plenty of people are able to use adderall recreationally- don't get addicted.

THIS!!!!!  So much this!!!!

I definitely most strongly experience my personal deficiencies head on when going through withdrawal, and general fears pile up on top of each other - not to mention I become a lot more emotional and sensitive as a person (which is a double edged sword because I feel very vulnerable and easily hurt). 

A few years ago, I've quit cigarettes after 10 years of smoking, and that addiction was super challenging to kick, but it was a very different type of addiction.  That addiction was literally a stupid crutch I got used to and associated with everything I did and experienced (literally everything).  It had no effect on my internal motivation or willpower, it was simply a matter of a decision.  It was not easy in any sense though, I will tell you that.

But Adderall oh boy, I feel like it basically replaces my base vitality and inner drive (or more like "holds it ransom").  It is so much more powerful than nicotine, it is almost as if I feel like it is changing who I am.  Like yeah I understand that initially I will feel demotivated but how do I get back my inner fire???  Every time I've quit, I do not remember whether or not I experienced inner fire, I felt inner torment though so that is a type of fire.

And ironically, because it is a drug that is so controlled and restricted, I feel a greater need to have it around "just in case".  I can't just run to the store and pick up Adderall,  And there ARE two scenarios where I do 100% justify its use:

1) No sleep or poor sleep - and I must get a ton of important work done today, it is urgent and important and cannot wait until tomorrow.  (happens maybe 3 times a year)

2) Safety - I've gotta drive throughout the night for whatever reason and coffee just won't cut it.  (could happen in regional evacuation scenarios)

Problem is, I know me.  Those two scenarios for just in case is what makes me feel not guilty having a full bottle of the stuff near me. 

Someone told me once that the "most dangerous drug" is the drug you love.

 

On 5/16/2018 at 1:43 PM, sleepystupid said:

i hated myself for it. and then came adderall. it made me feel great about myself. fuck yea. i can totally do this, AND take on a Master's program AND make my parents proud of me, AND, AND.. 

How did this end?  Did Adderall push you through it all?

Music is amazing, I love music.

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At least you know this demon is killing you. It took me almost dying twice to realize that adderall was ruining my life. I will never forget how I was when I was taking Adderall. I felt like I was my perfect self; thin, highly motivated, confident, but in reality, I was starving, neurotic, and a complete maniac. You just have to put enough time between you and the last dose so your true self can come back and live your life.

Adderall has a way of getting into your brain and living your life for you, kind of like that movie “Get Out”. Anyway, you can rejoin the living anytime you want just put down that Adderall and start counting days. 

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11 hours ago, Danquit said:

Adderall has a way of getting into your brain and living your life for you, kind of like that movie “Get Out”.

I never thought of that.  It is really scary how true this statement is.

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