SamJo

Relapsed :(

8 posts in this topic

Fuck fuck fuck. I relapsed on Friday. I decided to go to Coachella (a music festival) and thought I could just drink and have fun and not be tempted to take a stimulant but what do ya know I started drinking Friday and someone had adderall so I was like one won’t hurt then I took another and then I decided to take a molly. Now it’s Tuesday and I feel like all the progress I made is gone. I’m so mad at myself. I was just starting to do better and think that my brain wasn’t damaged now I’m right back where I was. I wish I could trust myself. Back to the beginning after 3 months....fuck 

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Lol shoulda known better going to Coachella , I went to bonnaroo early in recovery "about 2 months" and ended up dropping a bunch of acid and shrooms and molly but still didn't fuck with adderall. I literally hate that shit now. I could still be tempted by the drugs I mentioned but I'm sick of adderall. 

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Don’t be to hard on yourself and don’t give up! One night of bad decisions won’t make that much of a difference in your recovery. Would be one thing if you went back to weeks of using. Eat healthy, exercise and detox. You’ll be caught back up to where you were soon! 

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4 hours ago, SamJo said:

Fuck fuck fuck. I relapsed on Friday. I decided to go to Coachella (a music festival) and thought I could just drink and have fun and not be tempted to take a stimulant but what do ya know I started drinking Friday and someone had adderall so I was like one won’t hurt then I took another and then I decided to take a molly. Now it’s Tuesday and I feel like all the progress I made is gone. I’m so mad at myself. I was just starting to do better and think that my brain wasn’t damaged now I’m right back where I was. I wish I could trust myself. Back to the beginning after 3 months....fuck 

Right now your goal should be getting your brain to start producing dopamine on its own again. Molly messes with all the chemicals in your brain that are already out of whack from the adderall like your dopamine. Your brain chemicals need to recalibrate. 

One of the things that used to help me resist cravings and all that was thinking about how disgusting it was how I was messing with all the Chemicals in my head. It was like I had been turning the Chrismas lights on and off and on and off in my brain which was so unnatural and appalling and the visual of it was gross. Thinking about that when I craved adderall or was feeling really really shitty from quitting really helped. A lot. 

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there's no reason to think of this as a total reset, "back to the beginning". all the effort you've put in for the last 3 months hasn't been erased- you still got through all those days sober, and you are that much stronger of a person.

it's hard to say avoid all other drugs and alcohol, but you know that those other drugs can lower your inhibitions and result in.. well exactly what happened. you got a little drunk and made a bad decision. it happens all the time to everyone, but for us, there is a lot more at stake from risky behavior.

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22 hours ago, SeanW said:

Lol shoulda known better going to Coachella , I went to bonnaroo early in recovery "about 2 months" and ended up dropping a bunch of acid and shrooms and molly but still didn't fuck with adderall. I literally hate that shit now. I could still be tempted by the drugs I mentioned but I'm sick of adderall. 

Is it cause adderall doesn’t work for you or just makes you feel like shit? I literally hate it too but was so tired and didn’t want to be boring during the festival. I literally just get all the bad effects from adderall/vyvanse and no euphoria. Did that happen to you? 

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18 hours ago, Greg said:

Right now your goal should be getting your brain to start producing dopamine on its own again. Molly messes with all the chemicals in your brain that are already out of whack from the adderall like your dopamine. Your brain chemicals need to recalibrate. 

One of the things that used to help me resist cravings and all that was thinking about how disgusting it was how I was messing with all the Chemicals in my head. It was like I had been turning the Chrismas lights on and off and on and off in my brain which was so unnatural and appalling and the visual of it was gross. Thinking about that when I craved adderall or was feeling really really shitty from quitting really helped. A lot. 

@Greg I just feel like I’m in a deep brain fog again and depressed :/ adderall doesn’t even work for me so I can’t take it again even if I wanted to. On Friday I was feeling good drinking and was like oh maybe adderall will work again one more time but it made me feel awful. Will my body just not tolerate it anymore? I procrastinate everything and have no motivation and I just feel so dumb and slowwwwww :/ I had a good acting class last week finally and just want to get back to my full self because your brain, body and spirit all have to be in unison or else performance really suffers. I also feel like my brain just hurts right now but maybe it’s recovering from the molly and drinking and weed and adderall. Blehhhh I want to be normal like everyone else around me. My boyfriend/soulmate of 2 years I feel like doesn’t want to be with me anymore. if I lose him idk what I’ll do :/ 

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20 minutes ago, SamJo said:

Is it cause adderall doesn’t work for you or just makes you feel like shit? I literally hate it too but was so tired and didn’t want to be boring during the festival. I literally just get all the bad effects from adderall/vyvanse and no euphoria. Did that happen to you? 

Yep, I mean it would get rid of the fatigue but just put me in a state of mania without euphoria and I'd rather be a zombie then a maniac 

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