Relapse..

[SeanW]

It hurts to write this but I relapsed.. Last Thursday I went to a psychiatrist because I've been really struggling with dillusions and what feels like psychosis from my drug days. I ended up with a script for 20mg vyvanse and have been on everyday since.. It felt good at first and I felt clarity which I haven't felt at all in recovery. But of course the oh so familiar terrible crash came. I'm so confused about my feelings and what is real and what isn't real because people around me seem happier when I'm on vyvanse and all through recovery it has felt like people were really bothered with my sober presence. I'm in such a terrible place in life right now and it overwhelms me. I'm jobless and living at home and I'm just swamped and crushed by the idea of how much work I have to do to get back on my feet. To the point that sometimes it doesn't feel worth it like I'd much rather die. None of this matters because I don't have an option.. it's work or die. It just sucks I'm consumed by this drug induced fear that I've been trying to conquer since I quit all the drugs last year. I'm a schiz 

anyways.. I'll post later this week on what's going on..

 

 

for anyone reading this this who hasn't quit, this time last year I was on track to finish my chemical engineering degree at a well known engineering school and thanks to adderall I dropped out and not only that it has ruined my ability to function and be a productive member of society. I could of been 24 years old chemical engineer making 70k and I'm now 25 have only my car to my name, jobless, living at home and unable to communicate and possibly not even capable of finishing my degree.

[EricP]

Hi Sean, I am so sorry to hear this. Not as much that you relapsed but where you are in life because of adderall. Our timelines being off adderall are similar so I have been following your progress. Not long ago I read you were doing well at your 1yr mark if I recall correctly. It was a surprising read as I am at almost 1yr and still struggling. I’ve had some pretty low days lately where I wondered like hell what I would feel like on adderall and if it would take that low away. So far I have remained clean, besides my vitamin addiction  I must tell you the main reason I never pickup that script is because #1 I know its benefits as a drug are not a sustainable lifelong. & #2 Adderall is what caused the lowest darkest parts of my life. Because of that I am still here struggling but staying sober as you will be here back with me soon enough.

Life is worth the fight Sean. Even if this takes 5 years to sort out you are young and have time to do anything you want once you get this behind you!

Anyone that says it takes a year to recover... I’m thinking that was hopefull encouragement or someone got lucky. I will be grateful if I feel better at the 2yr mark...

[SleepyStupid]

this sucks, but i get it. i relapsed last year for slightly different reasons, but let me tell you something you already know: there is no controlled usage for you. eventually, you're going to start abusing again. probably sooner rather than later because you're in a dark place currently. your tolerance is going to come back very quickly, and all it takes is one binge to start that path to bottoming out.

11 hours ago, SeanW said:

Last Thursday I went to a psychiatrist because I've been really struggling with dillusions and what feels like psychosis from my drug days.

why was the solution to this amphetamine? wouldn't that just make the delusions / psychosis worse?

11 hours ago, SeanW said:

I'm so confused about my feelings and what is real and what isn't real because people around me seem happier when I'm on vyvanse and all through recovery it has felt like people were really bothered with my sober presence

i definitely know how this feels- we base so much of our lives on external validation. it does matter what our friends and family think of us, but at what cost? you may seem happier now, but how long is that going to last till you're back to nocturnal isolation?

i wish i had better advice on the school and job stuff.. the only thing i can offer is that if your credits are still valid, FINISH THAT DEGREE, even if it means transferring to another school. i dropped out of my master's program, had the opportunity to finish it for almost 2 years after that, but i was too busy getting high. i'm paying back 60k worth of loans for a degree that i don't even technically have. it's the one thing that still haunts me to this day.

[Danquit]

Dude. This is your mulligan. I had one about four months after I was forced to quit because of psychosis. I couldn’t take the withdrawals and I thought I could handle it so I went to my quack doctor in NYC and got a script for Adderall. He wrote me a three month prescription but when I went to fill it at CVS, they gave me all three months worth. Needless to say, I binged for 3 solid weeks until I had another psychotic break. When I found myself sitting in another psyche ward I finally realized that it was the Adderall that was ruining my life, I decided that I could NEVER get back on it. That was two years ago and with the exception of that one slip up with that girl, I’ve been so happy that I do nt need that shit. Perhaps this relapse will lead to your true realization that you don’t need that shit. Just keep coming here and don’t disappear. Read through old posts. You can rejoin the living anytime.

[Bobcostas281]

Hang in there SeanW. I don’t have anything brilliant to add, other than to remind you that you were instrumental in helping me stop six weeks ago. I know the desire for that artificial clarity is strong, so I understand the relapse. I just wish you success- never forget how strong you are and  that you’re capable of great things . 

[hyper_critical]

Just beyond those feelings of hopelessness and being overwhelmed is tremendous growth. But you've got to see them through.

Get back on the horse. 

[SeanW]

Thanks for the replies guys. I haven't touched it since I wrote this post, but I do feel that old addict desire to take it which I had pretty much forgotten about prior to the relapse. The relapse pretty much instantly reestablished those neural path ways of the addict.