quit-once

Found an old pill and flushed it

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This is hardly worth creating a new thread over, but I have been anticipating this moment since quitting 7 years ago.  Yesterday, while searching through a drawer (the same dresser drawer I used to store pills in), I found a blue football lurking under some junk in the bottom corner.  I could write an essay about the cascade of thoughts it created, ranging from 'just put it back and forget about it" to "save it for my friend who still uses" and also "fuck it, just take it now - it's only 10 mg".   All within a minute.  Then I remembered all of the times I have posted on here what I would do if I ever found a wayward pill:  flush the fucker ASAP.  So I threw it in the toilet, took a photo of the blue blob in the bowl (I have no idea why), and sent it to Hell.

I guess my point for posting this is to stress how important it is to have a plan of response if you ever find it, or are offered Adderall or other stimulants. 

 

What would you do if you found a wayward pill?

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Funny how strong those things are like Frodo and the ring it talks to u. I recall during my abuse I’d run out and search everywhere for hours hoping to find one addy or pain pill that fell out somewhere. I’d look everywhere crawling on my dirty shop floor even if it landed in cobwebs whatever I’d brush it off and take it. Sometimes I just enjoyed looking for lost pills like a quest I was one sick puppy. Like you if I find one can’t think about it just must destroy it ASAP. 

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I used to keep loose pills in my little hidden zipper pocket of my backpack and after more than two years off every once in a while when I reach in that pocket I still have the thought of “what if there’s an addy in here?” then I root around in there until I come to my senses and realize how strong those little fuckers are. 

I’m glad you flushed it, but to be complete honest, I think I may have said fuck it and taken it. They don’t scare me anymore which is the really scary part. It’s like I’ve forgotten how awful recovery was and I’m back to being carefree about them. That’s why I need to keep coming here so I can remind myself of the hellish nightmare that is Adderall addiction and recovery.

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