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LiberatedMind

I have reached a new level of addiction

14 posts in this topic

I take it even when I don't want to.  I wake up thinking about it.  And yes, it is because I fell again and am using it.  I keep on doing the same things. 

I want to be in full control of it.  Like you know, to just take it when I decide to every once in a while, not out of habit or whatever.  But so far, 100% of my attempts to do that over the past 5 years have been largely unsuccessful.  I find that the less often I take it, the more I enjoy it -- buuuut the more I enjoy it the more often I want to take it, and my actions follow suit.  Ugh.

One thing that helps me is changing my environment and getting out of the house.  I live by myself and I work from home on the computer.  I recently had a side job for about 6 months as a brand ambassador a few shifts per week, which is an awesome job I loved it, it filled me with energy, and even when I didn't completely quit during that entire period, I did take it a lot less because I like being 100% naturally sober when doing jobs that require social interaction (although did take Sudafed every so often as a "crutch", but never Adderall).  And BA work also pays relatively well per hour.  That job ended about 1 month ago (wasn't fired and didn't quit, they just ceased the program - I left on good terms), and ever since then I am right back into it.  Much deeper.

In the past week, I didn't even go to the gym because I plan out my morning so it will be the "perfect" setting for me to take it, and if I spend time at the gym it takes away from the time from eating and preparing the perfect setting. 

I'll be honest, it's not even the addiction itself that bothers me.  It is what the addiction takes away from me that bothers me.  It chips away at my vitality, at my inner fire.  Makes me a zombie like being, robotic and impulsive.  Makes me less interested in life, and I feel an inner "me" crying to be released from this prison, this hell.  But then there is the superficial me, the animal me, the shallow me, the sexual me - that LOVES it!!!!  I want to satisfy those parts of me too, but without the inner me and my mind and life being chipped away at.  But without Adderall, those parts feel animalistic parts and urges and drives feel bland, my head doesn't reach the clouds the same way, to get to that erotic level of pleasure.  I think I may be addicted to sex too.  I am not sure.  Definitely place a lot of emphasis on it, and it is a large part of my decision making process when it comes to the question "to take or not to take?"....

I am fairly certain that I know the answer, and that is to quit and never look back, no exceptions - not once, not ever.  But that frightens me, I don't feel at this very moment that I can permanently burn bridges with the possibility of doing it once in a blue moon, I feel like I need the freedom to make the choice on my own.  Even if I cut ties with my current doctor etc (as the site suggests), I know myself, I'll just find a new doctor - it wouldn't change the end result should I decide to use again.

I am not really sure where I am going with this now, but I already applied to some side jobs in the same type of side jobs I did before, that's one step to pulling myself out of this. 

I have some major goals for myself, and this bullshit is interfering.  I am searching for some middle ground here, some way I can have my cake and eat it too, but the choice here is starting to seem very binary to me, which is a reality I am not too happy with, but it seems that maybe it's either all or nothing?  Has anyone been in my position?  What conclusions have you personally reached?  What did you do?

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We've all been in your position. It's a stage of addiction. You can reach many conclusions that seem to comfort and make sense of things and bring wisdom but in the end the answer is the same, quit.

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Yes, I've been in your position. I went to rehab.

You're addicted to speed. Act accordingly. 

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55 minutes ago, hyper_critical said:

Yes, I've been in your position. I went to rehab.

You're addicted to speed. Act accordingly. 

Are you suggesting I go to rehab?  What do they do in rehab?  Any free options?  How does it help exactly?

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I've been off for 15 months and just started a outpatient daily rehab. You have group therapies where you discuss your self and traumas and problems. You also meet individually with therapist and you learn to love yourself and how to cope with healthy habits.

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14 hours ago, LiberatedMind said:

Are you suggesting I go to rehab?  What do they do in rehab?  Any free options?  How does it help exactly?

From your post, it's clear you're in the grips of amphetamine addiction. Number one priority for you should be to stop and stay stopped. If you can't seem to do that on your own, I advise enlisting the help of professionals. 

Everything else is just conversation. The longer you stay mired in this cycle, you'll find those goals you're worried about reaching get farther and farther away, the time between binges will continue to shorten, and there's a very real risk of psychosis or death.  

You've crossed the line into dependence. Once pickled, never a cucumber. You'll never been able to take Adderall "as prescribed" or once in a blue moon again. The sooner you understand that...to your core...the sooner you can get on with recovering from this seemingly hopeless state of mind and body.

I've been there. It's terrifying. Your best friend has turned on you. But you need to accept that and summon the will to do something radical to save your life. 

Good luck. 

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Yeah you don't want psychosis especially if it sticks around like mine has

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Here's a link to the eight stages of Adderall addiction:

What stage have you progressed to at this point?

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On 7/2/2018 at 3:47 PM, LiberatedMind said:

I think I may be addicted to sex too.  I am not sure.  Definitely place a lot of emphasis on it, and it is a large part of my decision making process when it comes to the question "to take or not to take?"....

specifically regarding the sex obsession, i totally get it. as i've mentioned in other posts, this became almost 90% of my focus during binges at some point. it led to some dark places. it's a super dangerous stage to be in because the "sexual you" is MUCH harder to control than the "rational you". i would say that if you can disconnect the sex from the adderall, then you would have a much clearer mind about quitting. i recognize that this is extraordinarily difficult given that we are at the core sexual beings, but i think you already realize how much of a compounding effect it is having on your addiction.

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On 7/4/2018 at 6:18 PM, quit-once said:

Here's a link to the eight stages of Adderall addiction:

What stage have you progressed to at this point?

I feel that I am at stage 5 with some characteristics of stage 6.  But it is not always negative effects.  I have found that I am able to quit 4-5 days with only minor difficulty if I have something to look forward to on the 5th/6th day (like an expected enhanced sexual experience - which is a core reason I take Adderall).  Also even on days where I am craving it, I am able to not take it if I have some social responsibility in which taking it would cause harm to the task.  So am I at stage 5?  I am not sure.  I am able to control it somewhat, but on day 3 or 4 it starts getting really difficult again for me.  I don't really know.  What does it seem to you?

 

On 7/5/2018 at 9:27 AM, sleepystupid said:

specifically regarding the sex obsession, i totally get it. as i've mentioned in other posts, this became almost 90% of my focus during binges at some point. it led to some dark places. it's a super dangerous stage to be in because the "sexual you" is MUCH harder to control than the "rational you". i would say that if you can disconnect the sex from the adderall, then you would have a much clearer mind about quitting. i recognize that this is extraordinarily difficult given that we are at the core sexual beings, but i think you already realize how much of a compounding effect it is having on your addiction.

Okay, how did you disconnect the sex from Adderall?  I'd love some pointers, because it often feels that I barely enjoy sex without it.  I am open to any advice you can give me here. 

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i wish i had better advice on disconnecting the sex stuff. for me, it was kind of a natural disconnection because when i stopped taking adderall i lost a dramatic amount of interest in a lot of things, sex included. i was still having it, but didn't start enjoying it again for a couple of months. that could also be very different for males and females.

it sounds like you simply haven't been off adderall long enough to let this natural disconnection happen. you really need to stay off this stuff for at least a month, then reassess your thoughts on sex. i think you said in an earlier post that the longest you were off it was 3 months last year. what drove you back? was it sex?

the bottom line is this: you'll probably have to not enjoy sex for a while. but i think this is a fair trade to save your life.

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I'm guessing you all are a lot younger but adderall plus the blood pressure medicines (plural) Mr Oswhidhad to get on due to taking the adderall pretty much took care of the sex thing.   He was 49 and fit when he got on it.  This is what you guys have to look forward to.

 

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13 minutes ago, oswhid said:

I'm guessing you all are a lot younger but adderall plus the blood pressure medicines (plural) Mr Oswhidhad to get on due to taking the adderall pretty much took care of the sex thing.   He was 49 and fit when he got on it.  This is what you guys have to look forward to.

 

Did the blood pressure medicine help him enjoy sex again or are you saying Adderall ruined his sex life forever?  

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"Took care of" as in completed killed.

I'm saying that adderall and blood pressure medicine both contributed to performance issues.  BUT flash forward to now, he's 62, off adderall for 26 months now, exercising, back to his ideal weight, off all blood pressure medicine and functional again. 

I would also add that less than a year into his adderall use our relationship deteriorated so much that it ceased to be an issue anyway.

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