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eric

4.5 YEARS of chasing my tail

4 posts in this topic

Well I'm currently Day 0, tomorrow will be Day 1 and so on...

I've posted on the site a few times in the past and have lurked around it for the past few years when coming down after a day of taking meds.  This is my first post since May of 2017 and I plan on being much more involved in posting and helping people that frequent the site.  Whats funny is I never gave people a basic background on myself in the past so here it goes.

I'm a male in my early 30's, I'm married, I have a child in elementary, I live in the southern part of the US, and I'm apparently struggling with continued prescription stimulant abuse. I currently have a very stable job that I am not at risk of losing due to "performance problems", although it can be extremely demanding due to the physical aspects of it (my current boss has been off meds for over 3 years and understands my struggle).

As far as usage, I've been prescribed stimulants for the last 4.5 years, and started abusing it within months of getting the prescription. I originally was on Vyvanse 50mg and 20mg IR Adderall and took that for about a year.  Then I was on Adderall XR's and IR'S for a period of time and to be honest a bunch of different variations of Vyvanse and Adderall or both.  But essentially always running thru a month supply in 2 weeks or less followed by withdrawing and saying I wouldn't fill it yet I inevitably would when the 28 days was up.  I would stay up for 2 days at time and sometimes 3 days for the first few years and get crazy with pointless projects, I don't tend to do that anymore since the "positive" effects of the meds are significantly less than they used to be and all I experience now is regrets and negative physical symptoms.  As far as highest use, a few years ago I would take 100 to 120 mg's of IR'S everyday but the dumbest thing I ever did was take 4x-60 mg capsules of vyvanse in a 8 hour period about 2 years ago.  I didn't go to the hospital or anything but I thought I was gonna die.  I've actually never been to the hospital due to stimulant use but I've honestly laid on the floor in the living room many a nights with my blood pressure at 188/122 thinking that I was gonna stroke out and this was it and praying to god or anyone listening to please not let me die cause I was gonna change my ways. The sad thing is the addicted part of myself would convince myself to take meds the following day. :-(  

As far as side effects, I feel like I've been thru them all and I tended to experience them at different times throughout my years of abuse.  Some side effects would be shortness of breath, blurred vision, lightheadedness, minor psychosis, weird popping noises in neck, chest pains, muscle pains, and along with all the other ones you could think of. 

After I experienced any of those side effects for the first time I always said I was done and "thats it" but the drug has such a grasp on me that I would go back. I'm at a point (and have been for last 2 years) where I actually feel terrible within an hour of taking them at the start of the day followed by regrets and occasional productiveness. Its just a horrible life cycle to live and I have to put adderall into the past so I can actually focus on the future that I want. This site and the members experiences have always given me hope that I CAN fight this addiction and find true happiness. I've gone 14 days off the meds a bunch of times and a few times to the the 20-22 day marks but the longest I've made it off was exactly 30 days before I relapsed which was in November 2016 and I remember feeling actual happiness after being 3 weeks off before my dark addicted side talked me into going back.

That being said I need this to be the last day that I'm on this crap and tomorrow be the first day of my life after adderall.  I hope to remind those that are ahead of me in recovery to not go back because it seriously isn't worth it and it will not "be different this time" and I hope to help those people that are early on in realizing that they may have a problem with this drug to quit now because days lead to weeks, weeks lead to months, and months lead to years.  I've been actively trying to quit these meds since January of 2015 and it truly makes me sad realizing how much I've missed and given up just by taking that little pill. 

As said I plan on being more active on the site so ask any questions if you have any!!! Here's to starting my life after adderall!!!!! 

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Welcome back! Honestly, I saw so much of my old self when I was reading this. We are all similar in so many ways, the only variants really being how much and how long. I took 6-10 20mg Adderall IR a day for 3 years, give or take. I have been sober coming up on 2 months and I truly gave up on the thought of becoming sober a long time ago. For me, it took drastic changes (moving schools out of state, etc). I feel like it's helped me be more comfortable with rewiring my brain because it's all new territory, and I really think that's the only way I could have gotten sober but of course that's an extreme example and there are so many life changes you can make that can help you recover. If I have any advice it would be to keep coming onto this website, even if you continue using. You mentioned you're in an okay spot w/ your job to start detoxing, so I would. You might not be in that spot forever. You might think you're doing okay in your workplace but lets be real, you're high everyday. It's noticeable. It will catchup. You should stop while you can because I promise you your addiction will get worse. Start researching what detoxes are like and just start. Just do it, even if you relapse. Good luck

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On 9/29/2018 at 11:00 PM, eric said:

I've been actively trying to quit these meds since January of 2015 and it truly makes me sad realizing how much I've missed and given up just by taking that little pill. 

good! sounds like your head is in the right place about this, but if you haven't already in this past 2 years, now is the time to come clean with your Dr. and cut off your supply

let's be real - the reason you keep refilling your script every month, even though you really really don't want to, is because you can. if you simply can't, the decision is made for you, no? as with every piece of advice you will find on this site, it is easier said than done.. but you have a stable job, and understanding boss, and a loving supporting family. what more can you ask for? NOW is the time to cut this shit out.

good luck and keep us posted (:

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I agree w sleepy. Tell your Dr.  Its a scary thought, I know, but the feeling you’ll have when you leave that appt- it’s WOW. You only get one life. Youre only get a few years to experience being Superman in your kids eyes..... I’m about 3 months clean after 7 years and my youngest is 8.  I’ll never get those years back.  The guilt is real.  But I’m here now.  And telling my dr ended the constant obsession w refill dates and all of it.  That feels better than 200mg of addy any day.  Closing that chapter feels freeing.  You can do it.  ❤️

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