I have lost my mind

[Invictus 3]

Been seeing a psychiatrist for years to treat Generalized Anxiety Disorder, depression, insomnia.  Been on every antidepressant, currently on a cocktail of Prozac, Valium, Gabapentin, Mirtazapine, and Seroquel.

I could never commit to anything, school, careers.  Looked into it and thought I had undiagnosed ADD, which very well may be the case, but I had gone through rigorous school before without any treatment and managed to pull through.  Now I'm in a very compact, fast paced class and I'm feeling inept, like imposter syndrome. 

I was started on Ritalin, felt good but had stomach problems so I was moved to Adderall IR 10mg 2x day.  I will sit and write notes for 9+ hours a day.  I took some days off so I could have "spares" and would pop another 2.5mg because hey, I had a lot of work to do.  Another 2.5mg, this is temporary so don't worry about it just need to survive this class.

Told my doc the 10mg wasn't quite enough and I was put on 20mg 2x day, this was after one month of the 10mg 2x day dose.

I break up the pills and pop the pieces like candy throughout the day because I always have the excuse of needing to do more homework.

Since upping my dose to 20mg BID, something weird happened in my brain.  I've always had a phobia of the giant cockroaches you get down here in Florida, but it was within reason to some degree.  Since upping this Adderall I have turned that fear into full-blown paranoia, if not delusion.  I spend hours Googling how to protect yourself from them and keep them out.  I found myself in a tight closet pouring silicone caulk over a crack.  I bought a mosquito net for my bed because my ultimate fear is having one of them crawl on you in your sleep, which to be fair does sometimes happen.

I spent hours sealing the holes of the openings for the mosquito net and tucking it under the mattress tightly so no roach could get in.  Every evening I get in with a flashlight, check in every pillow case and under each sheet and blanket to make sure nothing is in there.  I use a ton of plastic wrap every night to cover my trashcan to seal any appealing odors.

 

In summary, it has only been a couple months and I recognize that I have totally lost my mind.  Conversely, the Adderall helps tremendously with the school semester I'm currently drowning in.

All I feel I can do at this point is pray for divine intervention.  Upping the Adderall dose also makes me drink more alcohol every night than usual (separate problem) and my sleep is totally broken.

Bottom line is I have several months worth of Adderall IR 20mg 2x day, I spend literally all day writing notes for school and spend the rest of my time worrying sick over a roach problem that doesn't even exist at this apartment.

If you actually read all of this, thank you.  I have lost control and feel like my mind has gone with it.  More homework you could do?  Take another 2.5mg.  Again and again, wreck your sleep and feed the psychotic paranoia.

God help me, I am broken.

[NotToday 259]

You are only a few months into this thing. If you quit now, I promise you that you will save yourself years, if not a decade, of grief. Early abuse is a very strong indicator of where you will be headed, especially since you are mixing alcohol. 

Im hoping you have already read some of the horror stories on this site and know what you need to do. No doubt it will suck, but if you need to, just take some time of of school. It will be easier than taking time off your future career/job I can also promise you that. Nothing like going to your employer telling them you are taking fmla to go to rehab. 

[KimR 70]

Sounds awful. I'll say a prayer for you, friend. 

My fear of bugs and spiders has increased as well. It sucks having long hair because my hair will sometimes graze my arm and I think there's one crawling up and I freak. 

Luckily, I love in Ohio. I can't imagine how much worse Florida would be. 

Adderall sucks. 

[sleepystupid 626]

welcome to the forums Invictus!

that's a pretty heavy cocktail of medication you're taking, and to add Adderall and increased alcohol consumption to the mix sounds extraordinarily risky.

that aside, the paranoia isn't very surprising. i had some particularly bad panic attacks around something similar. for a period of time i was convinced i had bed bugs, and always felt bugs crawling on my skin. its called "formication" and is fairly common with stimulant abuse. you do not want to get to this stage, i assure you.

On 10/13/2018 at 10:36 PM, Invictus said:

In summary, it has only been a couple months and I recognize that I have totally lost my mind.  Conversely, the Adderall helps tremendously with the school semester I'm currently drowning in.

this shouldn't be a shocker, but Adderall tends to help everyone tremendously with school (at least in the beginning). the mechanism at work here is that it flips your natural reward system such that the dull part of schoolwork itself generates reward. this results in a feedback loop where you enjoy working so much that you spend more time finding and doing it. this is why people always think they're "drowning" in work and that there's no time for anything.

my honest suggestion here is to tell your doc about the paranoia. if you absolutely need stimulants to function, perhaps there is an alternative available. you're still at a low enough dose of Adderall to course correct now.

please don't add amphetamine addiction to your already concerning collection of psychiatric conditions!

[Invictus 3]

22 hours ago, sleepystupid said:

 this is why people always think they're "drowning" in work and that there's no time for anything.

Wow, I didn't know that was a thing.  I just thought I was so inept and had such awful memory that I had to spend 9 hours a day writing notes, and even then that I'd ultimately fail.

I definitely don't need stimulants to function as I've gone my whole life without and done well when actually applying myself.  I just feel like now, mid-semester, would be a bad time to quit.  I'm familiar with addiction and know the brain always tells you it's a bad time to quit but I think this is one of those times where it is a legitimate concern.  So, as opposed to quitting outright I am trying to bring my dose down and get a lasso around it.  My problem is after I take my 2 prescribed doses in morning and then around noon, when I start adding 2.5mg chunks every hour or so to keep the work going. 

Thanks for the post, and thanks to the others who replied as well.

[SeanW 422]

I know how you feel. I was in the same position except I just moved into a new apartment and it was literally infested with roaches. I would kill 30+ a day and it took two months for terminex to get them out. During that time I went insane trying to get rid of them myself. Literally doing everything you can think of. If it helps you do your work and you're able to still sleep and eat then you can prolly make it the rest the semester but know when next semester roles around you'll be tempted to use again. So eventually you got to say no and do shit sober. I've been off for 18 months and man I do not miss my manic nights not sleeping or eating. Just going insane. Those roaches were the worst. Just be happy you're not infested like my place was, literally at night every 15-20 minutes I'd see a roach crawling somewhere. I killed and flushed them all since according to terminex it was the only way to guarantee death. I had my bed on stilts with each stilt in a poison dish. Did all the calking, had poison everywhere. Ahhh makes me sick just thinking about back then. I'll fucking move if I ever have to do that again. I literally woke up one morning to one crawling on my head. 

[SeanW 422]

Also don't be afraid to reach out for help with mental illness. I went to a rehabilitation program and it really helped. All the shit we've been through takes a toll and makes us feel psychotic. 

[Invictus 3]

6 hours ago, SeanW said:

I know how you feel. I was in the same position except I just moved into a new apartment and it was literally infested with roaches. I would kill 30+ a day and it took two months for terminex to get them out. During that time I went insane trying to get rid of them myself. Literally doing everything you can think of. If it helps you do your work and you're able to still sleep and eat then you can prolly make it the rest the semester but know when next semester roles around you'll be tempted to use again. So eventually you got to say no and do shit sober. I've been off for 18 months and man I do not miss my manic nights not sleeping or eating. Just going insane. Those roaches were the worst. Just be happy you're not infested like my place was, literally at night every 15-20 minutes I'd see a roach crawling somewhere. I killed and flushed them all since according to terminex it was the only way to guarantee death. I had my bed on stilts with each stilt in a poison dish. Did all the calking, had poison everywhere. Ahhh makes me sick just thinking about back then. I'll fucking move if I ever have to do that again. I literally woke up one morning to one crawling on my head. 

That is a fucking nightmare.  I don't know if what I'm experiencing falls under "stimulant psychosis" or not but I'd bail on the lease and take them to court.  Before it was just a fear, but now it is an obsession or paranoia.  Taking all these steps and spending so much time when there isn't even a roach problem here.

I would not sleep at all in that circumstance unless I was in a sealed metal container with micro air filters.  I've seen them before at past apartments, but since upping my adderall I think I would have a complete meltdown if I saw one.

Thanks for the response.  Broke student with no insurance so I'm kinda on my own right now.

Aside from the whole paranoid delusion thing I'm at least cleaning up well and taking good care of the place.  Still battling suicidal thoughts but yeah I am flushing this shit as soon as this semester ends. 

[SeanW 422]

It's definitely considered psychosis. I was extremely paranoid and it took a lot time to get over.