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Madd

9 Months. Help!

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Hey guys,

I am nine months clean from ten years of heavy dexamphetamine abuse. I was prescribed the drug originally for ADHD but like most on this forum abused it pretty badly. I've just hit a major wall and over the last eight weeks seem to have gotten worse with anxiety and depression. I had social anxiety really badly when I was younger and the dexamphetamine made it go away but toward the last two years of taking it the negative side effects of abuse meant I had to stop taking it.

I'm having trouble letting go of the past and can't stop thinking about the years I was on it and even though it was chaotic etc can't seem to understand why I don't remember how much shit it caused me from abusing the drug to crippling gambling habits etc. It's bizarre I can't seem to remember the bad shit it caused and I'm only thinking about how it made life easier and made my life happier? 

I'm sure someone on here can relate to where I'm at right now and any words of advice would be greatly appreciated. This depression and anxiety sux.

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MADD congrats on 9 months. Yes we do seem to always focus only on the bright side of this dark drug. Your fighting yourself the addiction is etched deep in your brain and that voice in your head is screaming it wants that drug back. But you know what will happen, you know how bad it makes you feel, you know that’s not what you really want. I’m sure you’ve read what to do in recovery but if you haven’t try to start working out either take long walks, jog or hit the gym up hard either way do something to get your endorphins going. For me do believe that’s been a huge help even getting up now at 4:30am to hit the gym. I’m not a morning person actually hate it but what I found if I get up at 7am or 4:30am I still hate it the same so fuck it wake up early be mad get some shit done at the gym so don’t have to worry about it the rest of the day. 

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Oh they'll def be no going back that's not an option. And yes need to get back into the gym. I was majorly into it up until about two months ago when this next level no motivation and zero energy stepped up. Cheers for the reply. 

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At nine months this is to be expected. Just hang in there and get to the one year mark. After that it starts to get a little better. Try to get outside and just walk around the block. Do anything outside even if it’s just walking, it helps. You’ve made it 9 months which is awesome, keep going, it is worth it. I remember when I was at 9 months I had horrible anxiety and depression, it will eventually get better just don’t get back in Adderall.

welcome to the forums, keep checking in, the people here were a lifesaver when I was really low.

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Cheers guys !!!

And fuck no way would I get back on the dexamphetamine. I'm an addict so I know being fully clean and sober is the only way forward. 

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On 10/15/2018 at 5:35 AM, Madd said:

I'm having trouble letting go of the past and can't stop thinking about the years I was on it and even though it was chaotic etc can't seem to understand why I don't remember how much shit it caused me from abusing the drug to crippling gambling habits etc. It's bizarre I can't seem to remember the bad shit it caused and I'm only thinking about how it made life easier and made my life happier? 

this is a really interesting question. the weird thing (one of many) with addiction is, it goes against our traditional experience with memory. usually negative experiences (traumatizing, embarrassing, etc) are stored longer and recalled more vividly, which makes sense from an evolutionary perspective. but i suppose with those kinds of experiences, there probably isn't a pleasure-seeking and receiving component. also you mention having had very bad social anxiety before starting on dex, so it's not too surprising that the fond memories of feeling outgoing and personable will stay with you.

unfortunately, the experience of drug-induced euphoria is something you can't un-know. for the first year or two while your body and mind re-balances, you may not have enough positive experiences to keep yourself from thinking back to the last time you felt "good". the road to recovery takes time, but soon enough you will start having more good days than bad days. you will reach a level of natural happiness where your mind won't need to look back any further (:

 

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Thanks for that comment it's good hearing these types of things from those who really understand etc. 

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All of what you are feeling is normal. I am slowly inching to 2 years next May. At 1yr I was still a mess, I am starting to feel subtle progress now which is reassuring... And exercising consistently does help!

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Congratulations on 9 months. I’m 5 months Adderall free. All in all I’m making progress but I had a flair up of bad anxiety and dread this weekend. All I can do is find a quiet place and ride it out. It’s so isolating . I was exercising quit a bit Thursday and Friday and wondering if this didn’t trigger this horrible anxiety and nervousness.  When you hit that wall 8 weeks ago was it just random or did something trigger it. I worry about things like money( I had to take a leave of absence from work) and it exaserbates anxiety but this weekend it just came up on its own.

 I’m trying to snap myself out of it. I don’t know if you know Joseph Peterson, he’s a clinical psychologist, author and very popular on Y tube. He’s had clinical depression most his life ( runs in his family). He went on a carnivore diet and his depression and mood improved dramatically. I know I’m reaching but I’m going to try it. I’m too nervous to meditate and I definitely don’t want any anti anxiety or depression meds

I know this response is unfocused and that the cure is time I'm just depressed I put myself in this situation .i hate being a mess.

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