8 months and 21 days clean off 17 years of adderall/dexedrine abuse...

[ladypantz]

I don't even know where to start with this.  I don't even know exactly what I want to say.  But I'm struggling, I guess.  And want to share.

I'm 36 now and was prescribed adderall at 19. I was a sophomore in college.  Ever since I was a little kid I was always told I probably had ADD, but I was never tested or treated for it.  I always scored really high on standardized tests, but just sailed by in high school with C's.  I was notorious for not doing homework, not studying.  That sort of thing.  My first semester in college I had a 3.88 average though, just by going to class, taking notes, and doing minimal studying.  Then, I started to be prescribed adderall. My life went so far downhill it was unbelievable.  Throughout my 20's, I dropped out of college, raked up 30k in debt, experimented with many drugs, moved back and forth from place to place, developed a gambling problem. Even when I first started taking it, I think I was prescribed 30mg xr's and I would take them before I went out, and drink a bunch and party.  I lost a lot of weight. But as I got older, my script was usually 30mg IR's 2x a day.  I would easily run out in 10-20 days.  By the time I turned 22, I decided to join the military. I got injured and medically discharged but it was my longest time off adderall.  (about a year).

 

When I turned 30, I had gotten back into school, and by a lot of accounts doing well.  I got into a relationship though w/ a really bad addict, who introduced me to meth.  Luckily, I only used for about a year, and never have went back to it or thought about it again.  After finally ending that relationship, I was out of money, failed out of college, was spent in every way possible.   I moved back in with my parents across country, and was still using dexderine. I was prescribed 30 mg 2x a day, but it was in 10 mg pills.  So I would get 180 10 mg pills a month, and would easily take 12-15 a day, especially when my script first started.  My life had gotten so bad.  I managed to hold onto a job that I still have now (going on two and a half years) in retail, but my relationship with my mother had gotten so toxic, and i was never sleeping. I would go to work after not sleeping, and I really didn't have any friends.  

 

In Feb of this year I met a woman who told me about how she was addicted to adderall.   I had just gotten my script filled and met her randomly after I had left my lights on in my car (a common occurrence) and she had given me a jump start.  She could tell I was on stims, and told me her story.  After being up for 4 days straight (day one being the day I met her and had gotten my script filled)... I told my bosses at work I had a problem.  I then drove to the VA (where I get my prescriptions and healthcare) and told my psych prescriber.  I went to rehab about a week later.  I've been sober since Feb 22.

 

I wish I could say it's all roses..but it's not.  I am aware that I have accomplished SO much this year.  (And while I am aware of it it doesn't mean I'm feeling as happy for myself as I should be.) I moved out of my parents house.  (my roommate is the woman who inspired me to quit!)  I'm enrolled back in college, I was employee of the month at work last month, I quit smoking.  I still drink but it's not problematic or daily.  Although I am being very mindful of that.  I sleep every night, and just recently about a month ago even got off my wellbutrin.  (Was taking 450 mg a day).  I'm in therapy, I'm doing a lot of good things for myself.  I have saved up about $5,000. (considering I had nothing in February, and I make very little money, and have had problems with shopping and gambling, this is pretty amazing... )

But I feel so empty...and alone.  I haven't been on a date in over a year.  I am not even motivated TO date, but I want someone.  I moved into my new place a month and a half ago and still haven't unpacked my stuff.  I have furniture that isn't even finished being put together.  I don't exercise. I don't have any motivation to go out and be social.  The anhedonia is still really terrible.  I am not sure what I'm writing all this for but maybe someone can offer some guidance, or friendship.  Or hope.  Thank you so much for reading this.  Love you all.  

[SeanW]

I'm glad you've made it this far. You're doing great. I'm at a year and a half sober but I still drink occasionally. I struggle everyday feeling empty and with terrible anhedonia. The only thing I know to do after struggling this long with these feelings is to do something. When I start feeling and thinking that way I just get up and find something to do or I'll just sit and feel terrible. I force myself everyday to hit the gym. I get waves of heart break pain where I'm so sick and tired of fighting this fight. I've became so familiar with these moments when I start feeling this way Ill do anything I can to distract myself. I also would like to see someone but I don't have the motivation and don't feel worthy or that I'm not in good enough shape to. I just keep telling myself this can't last forever. 

[ladypantz]

Thanks for the reply Sean.  I gained a lot of weight too, and it has made me lose a lot of confidence.  I only gained 25 pounds since quitting, but I was already overweight by about 15-20 pounds.  The thought of going on dating apps and stuff makes me anxious.  I have tried for a few minutes at a time. I used to play a lot of video games but I don't even have the motivation to do that anymore.  Basically all I do is sleep, youtube, reddit, TV, work, repeat.  My days off go by and I don't get anything done.  What kind of stuff helps you feel better?

[SeanW]

I can relate to all that. I gained 45 pounds after quitting which was so bad because I was six foot 3 and only weighed 155. I was so sick. I looked near death. I'm now 200 and healthy. I've messed around on dating apps here and there too. Music is a big part of my life. I play guitar and drums and sing and while I was using I was set on being a famous musician but that obviously didn't pan out. I still play guitar and sing and a lot of times I have no desire or motivation to do it but I make myself because music seems to have some magical effect once I start I usually feel better. I love just listening to music too. Since quitting I've binge watched a lot of tv, spend a lot of time on social media, and occasionally go out. I've recently started to really enjoy going out on the weekend for some drinks and meeting people. Being outside really helps too. Going for a walk in nature or just sitting outside and listening to the birds and what not helps. I spend a lot of off days just sitting around too but I try not to be too hard on myself. Having that huge expectation that you have to get this and that done can really weigh you down and cause you grief. You have to be kind to yourself and realize that all you can do is all you can do. If you need to just lay around that's okay just do what you can. 

[Kimber]

On 11/12/2018 at 10:11 PM, SeanW said:

I'm glad you've made it this far. You're doing great. I'm at a year and a half sober but I still drink occasionally. I struggle everyday feeling empty and with terrible anhedonia. The only thing I know to do after struggling this long with these feelings is to do something. When I start feeling and thinking that way I just get up and find something to do or I'll just sit and feel terrible. I force myself everyday to hit the gym. I get waves of heart break pain where I'm so sick and tired of fighting this fight. I've became so familiar with these moments when I start feeling this way Ill do anything I can to distract myself. I also would like to see someone but I don't have the motivation and don't feel worthy or that I'm not in good enough shape to. I just keep telling myself this can't last forever. 

Great advice!  About getting up and doing something !  Anything.  When the bad comes it's hard to remember the good, for me anyway.  Going to the gym first thing in am definitely helps me, I don't kill it, but just getting there is huge.  Sometimes it really is about the little things.

Good luck to us all.