Letting Go Completely

[DrewK15]

Hi All. I’ve been struggling the last few days. Too much self loathing and glamorizing the ‘good old days’ in my thoughts. I need to get it out there. 

 

Right now it feels impossible to accept I will never use Adderall again. I am okay with not using today, and probably tomorrow, and maybe for a year or two, but for some reason the thought that I will never use again crushes my spirit and I toss it aside. In a way I am living for a hope that someday the stars will align and I will be able to use again. In my head I know this isn’t true, but my heart doesn’t agree. I wish I could just let go. Anyone else go through this? Thoughts?

[SeanW]

Yes, thoughts like that have cause me to relapse recently after 19 months clean I still had thoughts like what you’re having. I felt I could handle it now and a low does would really help me. While I did handle it and I didn’t abuse it and I did stick to a low dose and I ate and slept and worked I still felt guilt for relapsing. I still had this feeling to be a real, healthy, person I needed to not be on speed.

[Frank B]

You have to manipulate your mind. Tell yourself a near impossible situation that will allow yourself to take it again. Say we are invadid by aliens and they come to you. They tell you the only way to save mankind is taking adderall, if you say no they wipe out the planet. Much as you will hate to given you’ll save the fucking planet you give in. So in fact your not telling yourself never and silly as it seems it does help. Just mind tricks I told myself keeping me off that crap for 3 years. Don’t fight those inner thoughts that never seem to go away just try outsmart them.

 

 

[oswhid]

14 hours ago, Frank B said:

You have to manipulate your mind. Tell yourself a near impossible situation that will allow yourself to take it again.

Another trick that smokers use is to say that they can start smoking again on their 99th birthday. 

[Tom23Jones]

Don't even try to trick yourself into knowing what you'll be doing a few years down the road.  Its okay to say "I'm not sure where I'll be in a few years"  but for today, I don't have to use adderall.  

I don't think too much about adderall anymore, and I firmly believe I'll never put that shit in my body again....But I do occasionally romanticize alcohol/drinking and when I start obsessing about drinking at some future hypothetical event, I just tell myself, I'm not sure if will or won't but I know I don't have to drink TODAY.  Seems to help close the loop of those obsessive thoughts

[SleepyStupid]

On 12/7/2018 at 9:05 PM, DrewK15 said:

Too much self loathing and glamorizing the ‘good old days’ in my thoughts. I need to get it out there. 

go back and read your first post here. were they really "good old days"? adderall ruined your life, bankrupted you and sent you to the hospital. despite all that, we all know how hard it is to ignore the voice that says "if you just take a LITTLE, we can get shit back on track!".

the one constant in my recovery process has been knowing that my usage will never change. it won't be different the next time. i relapsed after over 2 years, and went right back to week long binges. it's like Jekyll and Hyde - your thoughts seem reasonable now, but the moment you're high, all that shit goes out the window. 

i'm an addict and a binge user. so were you.  it won't be different the next time. once you truly come to terms with this, the urges have no power over you.

[DrewK15]

Thank you all for the feedback! This addiction nearly took everything from me, yet sometimes I remember the experience as wonderful. It’s a lie, sometimes I need the reminder from you all or I’ll start believing it!