tiptoe

My story living with my adderall addicted wife

18 posts in this topic

Let me start by saying that I am so glad I have found this forum!  I have spent the last hour reading many posts dealing with Adderall and how it affects marriages.  I thank God that I am not going crazy and that I am not just "over reacting" as my wife puts it.

My wife of 23 years started Adderall about  8 years ago.  She had just started a new job and was going to be working for a very demanding boss, this boss sent her home with a manual titled " (bosses name) Bible" and she was to read it and follow it to the "T".  It wasn't too much longer that she had diagnosed herself with ADD and even pulled me in to confirm her diagnosis, I simply replied that "yes, it does seem that you have some of these symptoms".  She made a appointment with her family doctor and was sent home with a self diagnosis checklist that she was to fill out and one that I was to fill out as well.  She took both back to her doctor and was diagnosed with ADD and given a prescription for Vyvance, which was soon changed to extended release Adderall and then finally to regular Adderall.  The family doctor didn't want to be involved in monitoring the meds so she was referred to a psychiatrist, who has been prescribing ever since.  

When my wife first took the meds I was really excited for her!  She was on the go!  The kitchen got cleaned and organized, pots got stacked, lids got hung, spices got alphabetized.... I could go on and on... she was on fire!  Unfortunately this only lasted for about 2 weeks and since then it has been a slow decline to the other extreme.

Today my wife is unbearable, and before I found this forum this morning I was on google doing research on the divorce laws in my state.

Lets start with the anger.  Her anger and the things that will say when angry are off the chart.  I literally tip toe around the house on egg shells and try everything I possibly can to not set her off.  I have come to realize that there is really nothing I can do not to set her off, my mere presence in the room is often enough.  She is angry/spiteful first thing in the morning before I even speak to her.  I really hope I can convey the constant stress that is always present in my home.  I know when she has taken an Adderall... she will become talkative and semi-nice... she will have plans for dinner or for stuff she wants to accomplish for the weekend, but I know from experience that by the evening she will be unbearable again.  These positive bumps in her mood used to excite me, but now I resent them because I know they are drug induced and short lived.  I feel like she is setting me up to knock me down later.  I now realize that there is nothing I can do to keep her in a good mood and that everything I do can potentially piss her off, but for the sake of peace and because of my children (19 &21) I still try to tip toe around her.

Everything is always someone else's fault!  Its always the "F...tards at work" the "stupid ass cashier" to blame.  She has not taken responsibility for anything in years.  Just this morning, while backing out of the driveway (late of course), she cut to sharp and got her car up against our mailbox and the rear wheel stuck in the wet grass.  I had to winch her out and the whole time she was freaking out telling me to hurry because she was already late and cussing the neighbor because if they hadn't parked in the street she would have had plenty of room to back out and wouldn't have got stuck.  Just last week she backed out of the garage (late again) and backed at an angle straight into my daughters car... this time is was my daughters fault...why? I don't know, and she never explains.  When she is pushed for an explanation as to why shes mad, or why its my fault she just changes the subject... or gets madder.

She always loses things, keys, phone, shoes, hairbrush....and it is always because someone moved them, not because she just dropped them somewhere random.  I don't even help her look anymore.  How many times have I heard her freak out about leaving her phone in Target (actually she did that once) or the cashier at Walmart kept her debit card, only for her to find the missing item a few minutes later, but only after she puts everyone around trough a living hell and gets infuriated when no one else will help her look.

I don't think she is abusing Adderall in the sense that she is only taking her prescribed dose.  I do think that she is taking more of her Adderall during the week and skipping it on the weekends.  She literally stays in bed all day on Saturday.  She might get up around 2ish to start getting ready, but that process literally lasts until she goes to bed (or I go to bed, because I always go first).  She never goes out anymore, she would rather me go and get take out for dinner, as she puts it all the time "I hate people".  Sunday is the same thing, she will get ready all day and then around 5 or so she will visit her mom.  After visiting her mom she will go to the grocery store and do the weekly shopping... texting me non stop from the store about what we need and what do we have and about all the stupid "f...tards" at Walmart etc....  The grocery shopping is the only thing that she does anymore for the good of the family.  I have to force her to go every weekend or else that would be the last chore that would get shoveled onto me.  I literally do everything else!  Cooking, cleaning, fixing cars, cutting grass... basically everything else that can occur in life if my responsibility.

She is the victim!  She is dying, one day she will be dead and we will all feel bad about how we treated her... she says this all the time.  She has lupus and kidney stones... both self diagnosed...and she refuses to go to the doctor to have it confirmed and/or treated.  I have offered to go with her, I have bought her supplements and offered all types of advice and encouragement, but she prefers to do nothing.  She literally moans and groans all weekend long.  

On a more personal note, our sex life is now gone.  We used to have a great sex life and actually we could never understand how other couples could make it without sex at least a couple times a week.  This happened really gradually and then escalated quickly over the last year.  Now sex is maybe once a month and that is only if I really, really, really am careful not to piss her off during the day (which means I essentially have to leave the house) and if I fulfill all her wishes that day, then I might get lucky.  Many times I have pandered to her all day only to get cut out at the end by a manufactured outrage, eg. "why did you roll your eyes"?  I always feel anymore like she is doing me a favor...

I have read where others have referred to there significant other as being emotionally vacant, I can totally relate.  I really feel as though my wife doesn't feel emotions anymore.  She makes cold comments sometimes that make me feel uneasy.  I honestly don't feel like she loves me anymore, and have told her so.  I know a lot of this may sound like typical marital stress, and I'm sure some of it is, but prior to Adderall our marriage was much better.  My wife has zero interest in anything anymore, she goes to work Monday-Friday, stays up most of the night, falls asleep on the couch and then on the weekends she does nothing but stay in bed and on Sunday evening she will go to the grocery store.

I am at my wits end and I know the stress of dealing with this is affecting me and my kids. 

Anyhow, this is my story to date... thanks for letting me share...

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Man.. I hate to hear this. You’re really doing good to still be hanging in there with her. This is to a tee exactly what adderall did to me and my relationship. Of course like any sane person my significant other decided to leave me. From the sound of it I don’t think I was even near as bad as your wife has been. I would get a little frustrated, sometimes i’d avoid people or just want to be alone even if it meant away from the person I loved the most. This drug poisons you and your genuine love and all you care about is getting high and other dumb shit. You forget the kind of love and care you use to have and you ignore your own shitty behavior. Good news is everyone eventually figures it out although for some the price is much higher for example losing their family, job, friends, mind. It looks like your wife is on track to lose you and I don’t blame you at all. Until she decides to quit adderall she’ll continue to get even worse than she is now. Luckily after I lost my gf and job and dropped out of school and went to mental health rehab I realize what I was doing to myself and people around me and got clean.

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It’s very frustrating being with someone who makes life miserable I can relate. I’m not sure if you’ve gone over the fact that you feel the drug is the problem yet or not but it would be good to go so. If possible share this site with her. But the problem is no one can force anyone to get off this drug after all its “medically” needed a doctor said so. But here we all know the truth, getting diagnosed for adderall is the easiest things on earth to do. Even if one doctor says no four more would say yes.

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Thank you for sharing @tiptoe. It is really helpful and eye opening to read about this addiction from the outside-looking-in perspective. Your wife cannot see things as they really are right now, things will get worse until she reaches her limit and breaks. I hope you and your kids are able to find restoration with her in the aftermath of this addiction. 

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I agree it would be a great idea to show some stories of similar situations on here to her. Even show her your own post. I think it will help her. She needs to know how much you care and how hard you’ve been trying to stay with her. Of course if she’s deep in the grasp of the addiction she might get angry or lash out because you implying her to stop what she happens to love the most at this moment which is the drug. But if she has happened to have a few thoughts of quitting on her own or second guessed her usage, seeing all the people on here and how closely we can relate to her might give her more motivation to stop.

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Man does your story sound a lot like mine. I am so sorry you have to go through this.  I just came to this site the other day and posted my story about how I feel I lost my Husband to adderall and possibly a mental illness.

I understand the eggshells. I feel I had to pick and choose times to bring up anything, because I wasn't sure about his mood. He lacked sooo much empathy after Adderall.  When he first started Adderall now two years ago, he immediately started insulating our garage and wanted to do so many projects that I knew were out of his league. I remember saying to myself, he thinks he could build the Panama canal himself. He had such Grandiosity. He would be easily irritated, anger, raging, he would slap himself tear shirts off himself and threaten to shoot himself. This was my life the last 1 year and a 1/2 . He had other addiction issues as well.  We also did not go out much either anymore, usually just picked up something to eat. But then I got blamed in the end. I was blamed for everything. I am now in the process of a divorce ( his choice) and have no contact with him other than divorce matters. I hope you can help your wife recognize there is a problem and I hope she really listens to you because I have seen what this pill can do to a relationship, especially if it is abused. 

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Thanks to all for taking the time to read my story and offer your thoughtful replies!  I know this is mainly a forum for those addicted to and recovering from adderall, but your insight into your own behavior while on adderall are very helpful to me in trying to understand and help my wife. 

Thank-you @SeanW Your compassion is sincere, thanks for your insight into how you felt while on adderall.... it helps me understand my wife more.  I hope you are doing well now!   

Thanks @Frank B!   Yes, I have brought up the issue of the adderall to her, several times, and in never ends well.  She replies that she's on a "baby dose" and that its prescribed by a doctor who diagnosed her with ADD.  At this stage she really believes that everyone else is the problem, not her.

Thanks @DrewK15 I hope so as well.  

@nic123 Thanks, yours was the first story that I read this morning and the one that compelled me to write mine.  There are very many similarities between our stories and it is truly heart warming to know that someone else really understands the agony of dealing with an adderall addict.  My wife has started many projects over the last few years only to abandon them my day two.  She has many great plans as well, but they usually only include talking about them and perhaps buying some items, but never anymore than that.  If I tried to insist on having a serious discussion with her about her behavior she would eventually break down crying and proclaim what a horrible life she had and that she wanted to slice her wrists.... when someone you loves starts talking that way you just back off, and you become hesitant to bring it up again.  And yes, I was always to blame... I can't remember a time the last few years that she claimed responsibility for anything.

Thanks again.

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I also read a story on this site from @JSS4321 from July 2017, which then compelled me to write my own. This portion of the post I could really relate to:

Quote

he has decided that our marriage was awful the entire time, that I controlled him and never listen to his opinions and that basically I have done the worst things I could possibly do to him.  He decided that he is done with our marriage and wants a divorce.  It's like he has built up this hate for me due to feeling that way about our relationship but it's not the reality of how things really were. Yes, we had issues but everything he believes (including his emotions) are very elevated.  Since he decided that he wants to leave he has shown some pretty erratic, paranoid behavior and has written down some pretty scary things...almost like a manic episode.  He also lies SO easily and its like de doesn't realize he's doing it.  It is like he has become a different person.  Unfortunately, he only behaves that way towards me so family & friends have no idea this is happening but he is starting to show the behavior to a few other people now. 

http://forum.quittingadderall.com/forums/topic/3961-is-adderall-ruining-my-marriage/#comment-29379

Yes, I thought I was crazy too. My situation made me literally question myself, but I knew it had something to do with this medication. Everyone’s story on the site has helped me see what a user goes through; what he or she experiences when taking this drug. I had only wished I had found this site sooner. I may have still had a marriage.

I experienced the same with my STBX starting projects that he did not finish. Making grand plans etc. I just read the post about the “8 Stages of Amphetamine Use/Abuse”; pretty certain my STBX is at stages 6 & 7. I notice stage 6 is the blaming of everyone and everything.

http://forum.quittingadderall.com/forums/topic/879-8-stages-of-amphetamine-useabuse/#comment-4040

I wanted so much to help my STBX, but it is out of my hands now. I fought to save my marriage for almost 3 months, until he really threw it in the toilet. He walked away and chose a different path on what he believes .

I lost my marriage and my best friend. I miss who he was so much, but that person I knew has been gone now for 2 years.  I hope you can help your wife.

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This drug really regresses you emotionally. You end up very immature, avoiding any responsibility, playing the victim and so on because you’re out of touch and want to just keep getting high and avoid the person you’ve become and all the problems that have developed from your drug abuse. Some people come to realize this fact and this realization was a big part of me getting clean. It broke my heart to see the person I had become and to look back remember the person I was and realizing I destroyed that guy and all the years it took to develope that good character that I had before this drug. This has been a big motivator for me to stay clean because I loved who I was and I want to get that back. It’s also a depressant because I’ve spent 19 months trying to get back what I lost and there’s been little progress. Although it did take me 22 years of sobriety to become the person I was before I started adderall. I hope your wife eventually developes some self reflection because that will be a big part of her quitting. I know what it’s like to deal with someone who blows up when you discuss touchy subjects. Thats a method of emotionally manipulation. They do this to keep you from bringing it up. Don’t give them what they want. Stay strong, confront them, fight, argue, whatever you go to do but they need to face these issues. You’re not helping them by giving them what they want, what they need is to be held accountable. If you’re thinking about leaving you mine as well before you go give it a shot to confront and discuss these issues. Worst case she just keeps blowing up and it doesn’t help and you leave as planned or possibly you’ll get through to her and save things. 

Anyway, I wish you the best and I’m sorry you’re going through this.

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Welcome tiptoe! You seem like a very patient spouse (and probably person overall). It was very loving of you to post this.

Your wife sounds like she could have a substance abuse dual diagnosis, meaning both an addiction and a mental health disorder (such as depression or anxiety). I'm not sure if she'd be open to therapy but it could be a marriage (and life) saver. 

Anyway, I wish you the best & please continue to post on here whenever you need!

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@tiptoe for sharing your story, reading about your experience with your wife’s addiction has given me some more insight into my own behaviour. I feel part of the reason I’ve become isolated in the past 2 yrs is due to my horrible mood swings I inflict upon others when I am withdrawing from the drug. I used to think everyone else was to blame but I’ve come to realise it’s because of this stupid addiction that I can no longer sustain.

Maybe pointing your wife in the direction of this forum might help if she is having doubts about Adderall as she is likely to relate her experience to others stories. Each story on here reads almost like my own experience and I am beginning to see how much worse things can get the longer I continue. This forum may help to reinforce any negative concerns your wife is having about Adderall and encourage her to give consideration to quitting.

You really need to look after yourself too. I know it’s awful for your wife to be experiencing this endless trap of Adderall addiction but her irrational behaviour is making your life pretty damn awful too. You may need to consider whether it is worth continuing this way if she refuses to quit or walking away. You may get another chance of happiness independently or with another woman in the future. I think she needs to see that if her behaviour continues then you will leave the relationship and will not be part of her life unless she quits Adderall. I wish you and your wife good luck. I really feel for both of you in this situation.

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Adderall had the opposite affect on my then alleged wife. She became a liar, a thief, an prolific adulterer, a total b!tch, and worse. She even committed insurance fraud with the marriage counselor I paid for, all in cash. I paid the so called Christian marriage counselor cash in advance, then the Christian marriage counselor would give the money to my the alleged wife, then billed th insurance company. My P.I. found out that both the Christian marriage counselor and my alleged wife went out to pick up men at bars, casinos etc...I could go on and on, it is truly amazing how evil my alleged spouse became. I do my best to forget the vindictive, hateful things she did to hurt me. Her mother had mental issues, violent tendencies, perhaps Adderall has specific affects based on the genetic background of the patient? We know marijuana can cause certain individuals to develop schizophrenia, if the is a genetic history is there. If you knew who I was, my background etc... you would really have to wonder what I did to deserve the hell she forced me in to...I did everything to salvage the marriage, the adderall made up her mind the day she took it.

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Just some friendly advice, based on my experience and the experience of two others I know that had similar situations with their wives. make sure she is not having an affair. Better start paying attention more closely. I never thought my alleged wife would cheat on me, but she did multiple times. The signs are always there, typically men do not recognize it until it's too late. 

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@SeanW

On 12/11/2018 at 4:55 PM, SeanW said:

This drug really regresses you emotionally. You end up very immature, avoiding any responsibility, playing the victim

Thanks again for taking the time to share your thoughts!  This is exactly how my wife behaves and just reading your comment really helps me in maintaining my sanity!  She has become very immature, to the point that I honestly cannot have an adult conversation with her.  She definitely avoids all responsibility!  I have had to separate our finances because her lack of control and inability to plan and be "responsible" kept putting us in bad situations.  Now her bills are lying around unopened and she simply doesn't care, she doesn't care that now her mom, my parents and myself are all getting calls from bill collectors for her overdue bills.  There was a time (pre-adderall) that the mere thought that anyone outside of our immediate family would know anything about our finances would have devastated her... now she doesn't care.

On 12/11/2018 at 8:13 PM, OnSomething said:

Your wife sounds like she could have a substance abuse dual diagnosis, meaning both an addiction and a mental health disorder (such as depression or anxiety).

@OnSomething I have always believed that she has suffered from depression, even prior to her being on adderall, and she has actually been on SSRI's several times in the past and the results have been fantastic... but unfortunately she came off them after a short period of time.  I keep a daily journal, so I can literally tell you the last two times she was on meds for depression (its been years now)  and when I reread my journal about how great it was having a "normal wife" and a "normal marriage" it just breaks my heart.  I told her at the time she was on the meds how much it changed her and how it made her nicer, but evidently that was not enough for her to stay on them.  Her psychiatrist, the one who prescribes the adderall, also prescribes her Zoloft and actually even told my wife that she was prescribing the Adderall under the condition that she would also take the Zoloft...she has never taken the Zoloft, and I am assuming that she is telling her Dr. that she is.

 

@Socially awkward Thanks for your insight into Adderall addiction.  You mentioned being isolated for the last two years and as time goes on my wife seems to become more and more isolated.  She absolutely avoids being around anyone, especially me, at night and on the weekends... I believe that if someone would take food up to her room she would be perfectly content not leaving the bedroom all weekend.  

 

@Lachesis Atropos Thank-you for taking the time to share your story with me, I am sorry for the situation you went through... sounds really tough!  I honestly don't think my wife is cheating on me, but hind site is definitely always 20/20 and I won't be too terribly shocked if one day I discover that she had an affair...  When I confide with my closest friend about my wife and the things I am dealing with I know that he is thinking that exact thing (that she is cheating) because her behavior mirrors typical cheating behavior, but I think the only thing she is cheating on me with is Adderall.

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I never thought my then alleged wife would cheat, and truthfully it took time for me to identify the signs. Keep in mind, the adderall really does change their psychology, your wife will do things you will never believe could be true. When I caught her in several lies, she denied them even though the facts were there. She even convinced my son what she was doing was okay? My PI found 4 men she had affairs with, 2 of which were married. One of these men was a fireman, and he was married. I found photos of my alleged wife, my son, and this fireman together for Christmas, prior to my son spending time with me. My PI gave me the fireman's address, and I was going to go visit his wife with the photos/videos my PI provided, while her husband was at the fire station - and my son begged me not to! Do not underestimate what you spouse is capable of, I know of two other doctors/friends that had the same exact thing happen to them! There is a female PHD psychologist out there that wrote a book on women cheating on men, and as I recall there was 13 signs, I identified 11 signs. I'm not sure if you have ever been divorced? If not, you lack the frame of reference to understand just how painful the experience can be. Over the years, I've had several friends get divorced, many were military pilots or MD's, and I never realized what hell they went through. If I were you, I'd start researching the topic, and the signs. 

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Man you guys stories are rough. I was with my girl for seven years and she cheated on me like every 2 or 3 years. She finally left me once I got addicted to adderall. I never cheated on her or even thought about it. I believe Women are more prone to cheat and seem to be in some cases more heartless. At least in my experience.

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I think both men & women are equally capable of cheating. The difference is how vicious, vindictive, how incredible brutal and remorseless women can be...and I've had other women agree with me on this point. As I said earlier, when I told my now ex-wife that I hoped she would burn in Hell, for the first time I saw concern in her soulless eyes. She actually wanted me to take that comment back? I refused. Of all the nasty language used in our fights, this is the one phrase that actually freaked her out? BTW, the only one in our relationship to use physical violence was her! She had a 6th degree black belt, and was an instructor, not some defenseless woman. I'm trained as well, but NEVER used physical violence, and never would against a female. I was told that I should forgive her? I spoke to my Priest about forgiving her, and he asked me if she actually asked for forgiveness...? She told me she did nothing wrong! My Priest then said, if she is not asking for forgiveness," then I am not obligated to forgive her! 

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Yeah my girlfriend was completely heartless about the end of our relationship. She was cheating and she literally ended our 7 year relationship on nothing. Didn’t even say good bye. Came home one night and she was asleep then I went and picked up some food came back and she was gone. Blocked me on everything, didn’t return my calls. Zero closure. 

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