BK99

After a Decade on Adderall, I’m 30 Days Clean

246 posts in this topic

Day 296 - Happy Friday. This has been a very tough week energy wise for me, but I’m still chugging along without popping Addies.

I’ve had at least 3 nightmares about Adderall this week. They definitely make me crave the drug more. Meh..

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Day 298 - I feel like I’m at wit’s end and need to find a new doctor to prescribe me drugs. I had so much I needed to do this weekend that didn’t happen because I have no energy to do anything.

I just changed the cat litter. Now I’m back in bed when I have a hundred other things to do. My husband is tired of seeing me in bed all the time watching TV.

I’ve grown tired of this and I’m thinking I need the artificial help. I’m starting to not care about what the outcome will be. I’m beyond frustrated at this point.

Sorry so negative. It’s just how I’m feeling most days. I hate this.

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getting close to a year now!  i know its not easy but its worth it!  things will get better!

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@BK99 the 9-10 month mark was really tough for me. It’ll keep on getting better. Listen to your body and mind. If you’re physically and mentally exhausted continue to rest. If you start to get bored, get up and do something even if you don’t feel like it. In my opinion boredom was the sign I was ready to get off the couch and get moving. You’re working now so give yourself a break, especially on the weekends, it sounds like you need it and that isn’t a bad thing.

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@DrewK15 It’s just so frustrating because I’m not drinking or doing any other drugs and I feel this way. The success rate of successfully quitting and staying off this drug must be very small, because I can’t believe I still feel this shitty. 

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Day 300 - Not much to report today other than the usual exhaustion. Just wanted to say I made it to day 300.

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Day 302 - I had some really lousy thoughts this morning. I feel I’m too weak to conquer this. I was thinking I would start looking for a new doctor soon because I’m sick of waking up every morning feeling so low. 

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Well that’s always one option, but I really don’t fucking recommend it.  I’ve relapsed around that mark before and I can tell you it SUCKS to go right back to insanity, be slapped in the face with realizing how horrible it was, and then to realize what you just threw away.  Yeah it sucks being tired, but it beats living from pill to pill.

Seriously think how much it would suck to start over from day 1.

By the way, CONGRATS on cracking 300 days.  You should treat yourself to something nice.  Have a nice dinner or get Dairy Queen or something.  You deserve it.  This is really hard.

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1 hour ago, BK99 said:

Day 302 - I had some really lousy thoughts this morning. I feel I’m too weak to conquer this. I was thinking I would start looking for a new doctor soon because I’m sick of waking up every morning feeling so low. 

I feel your pain. I am about 70 days clean and feel the same. I am new to this thread, so I haven't read all of it, but I was wondering if you have considered going to see a therapist. It might be good to talk to a professional who you don't have to worry about giving you a script.

You sound like you are close to giving in, but I hope you realize how many people admire your perseverance. The fact that you have made it this far is amazing and inspiring. I have found that self-love is probably the strongest thing that has kept me from relapsing. I love my future self too much to give in. I haven't made it this far to have only made it this far. I tell myself this every day. I try to observe my cravings without attaching the stories and explaining them. They can just be and eventually I'll feel better. I know you feel hopeless, but I honestly believe that if you keep going you will look back at this year and be so grateful that you had enough faith to resist falling into the addiction. 

When it comes to chores, try not to focus on all the things you didn't do. Be proud of yourself for doing that load of laundry. Pretend like you are learning for the first time how to do things. Be so kind and loving that even accomplishing the smallest things give you a little satisfaction. Give yourself a break. You are rewiring your brain. That is no small feat. I believe that ruminating on how little you are accomplishing only makes the recovery harder. Be kind. You've got this! 

When I feel especially drained and depressed and overwhelmed, I take a few deep breaths, close my eyes, and imagine all of my thoughts and feelings swirling above me. It's like I am at the bottom of a body of water. It's dark and peaceful at the bottom and their is a faint glowing light. This space is the most pure part of myself. I look up and watch all of the swirling chaos above me, which is my mind. I imagine that the longer I sit and observe my mind, the brighter the light gets, and the water begins to become more like ocean waves and I imagine that my breath sets the rhythm. This works for me, but I hope you can trust yourself and be open to finding a new identity that is even better without the pills. This takes courage and kindness. 

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That's such an awesome post.  Thanks for sharing this Emily!

Cant wait to see that 303 day post BK99!

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@Doge What happened when you relapsed around this mark? I mean exact details. I feel that knowing this might help me not seek out another doc.

@Emily Thank you for the kind words. I’m trying, but I haven’t relapsed yet. I feel I’m in a very dark place right now...probably the darkest time since Day 1. I need all the encouragement right now. :( 

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@BK99would it be possible to go somewhere for a couple of days or at least go some place for support? I have been considering going to an NA meeting. I haven't been before but I know it will help to talk to people face-to-face about this. I am sending so much love your way. You are not alone! Stay strong! 

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Hang in there I’m behind you a little over 8 months  clean. The fact that you keep posting really helps push me forward. I’m grateful to you for that!

Imagine if you quit now. Only to find out that all of this would have lifted in 10 days. I keep telling myself this. For some reason it calms me down. My brain can some how get through the thought of 10 more days. Granted I’ve had a lot of “10 days” ha. It just eases my mind when I can’t stop wishing I had more pills. There’s nothing back there!

I’ve quit before for almost a yr. I  had no clue about this site or real recovery time. I went back on It never knowing the actual length of time it should take.  I quit another time for a couple of months. This has to be my final quit. 

Each time I’ve gotten back on I’m right back in the cycle real quick. I was on adderall for almost 12 yrs total. 

The only thing keeping me going now is this site, meditation, excercise, diet, and my damn 10 more day mantra. You can do this for 10 more days. Then decide? You have come really far!! 

Also, great post  @Emily 

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Day 307 - I thought about calling up my insurance today to get a new list of psychiatrists, but I was too tired. Hoping this rough patch goes away soon..

@m34 I like the 10 day analogy. I will have to try that.

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Day 317 - It’s been awhile since my last post. I’m not doing well. I’ve been so depressed since coming off Adderall, like nothing I’ve ever felt before...and it just hasn’t gotten better. I’m sorry to those who have turned to me for hope. It’s been almost a year and I haven’t found the light. 

I started the process in getting help. I fear it’s going to end up in getting scripts for ADD.

I feel like I’m on the verge of failure.

Pray for me. 

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Day 322 - Looking forward to seeing my new doctor in 2 weeks. I have no idea what she will be like. I just want to feel better, because right now I feel like hell...

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Hi - I've been silently following your thread since pretty much the beginning and was very happy to see a post from you today. I know the last while has been a struggle for you. I just wanted to say that your honesty and persistence in posting here and not giving up is inspiring. I know this is not where you want to be or thought you would be 322 days in, but for what it's worth, I (and I'm am sure many others) am rooting for you. 

My boyfriend struggled with adderall addiction for years. He quit a little over a year ago. The past year was brutal. 

Hoping for the best for you. I wish there was some advice or cure-all I could offer you. But I do believe the best is around the corner. You are incredibly strong -- the past 322 days is a testament to that. You can do this. 

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@PP37 Thank you so much. I hope you give your boyfriend props on a daily basis because this can be such an incredibly hard, lonely and isolating fight. I’m coming up on the year mark, and you’re right, I thought I’d feel a little better by now.

Thank you for your support. Whenever I get a message/reply like yours, it makes me feel really good.

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Day 330 - I am so far down, I don’t even know where to start today. I saw a new therapist this week and it made me feel 100x worse. I never seem to have luck finding one that agrees with me.

At one point during the session, the therapist asked if I thought I needed to be hospitalized because my depression is so severe. Da fuck?! This is why we have such a stigma with mental health. Let’s just throw her in the hospital because she is too far gone at this point. Someone else can deal with her. 

I walked out of that room feeling so defeated and deflated. I regret opening up so much. I’m going to go for another session, but I’m not feeling great about it. 

At this point in my mental health journey, I wonder if going back on meds would be better. I’d rather be a little crazy and functioning than bedridden, fat and depressed all the time.

If anyone feels like messaging me to support me at this time, that would be great. I am struggling now more than ever..especially after the therapy session I had this week. What a mindf*ck.

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Day 331 - I have an appointment less than a week away with the doctor. If you asked me yesterday if I’d be tempted to take an Adderall script from him, the answer would be absolutely. Today I’ve done a 180. Just the thought of going back on stimulants is causing massive panic attacks today. My heart can’t handle it - literally and figuratively. It’s amazing how much your mindset can change in one day.

I hope I keep this mindset in the week ahead...

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I know the feeling. I feel like my mind plays so many tricks on me. I will obsess over it all day and find all the justification for why I should go back on it. I'll even start working out every step of the plan that needs to happen before I take it again. Then, it's like I'll wake up from the trance and feel totally horrified.

My fiance and I have been watching the Lord of the Rings series this week and I can't help but feel like there are some major parallels between the seducing power of the ring and drug addiction. No one can handle it without being corrupted. No one can wield its power. They always think they can. They will justify taking it as if it's for a greater good, but every time the power they think it will give them is an illusion. The thirst for that feeling alwats inevitably robs them of their identity and freedom. That's why Smeagol/Gollum's story is so compelling. He represents the fate of anyone who succumbs to the lure of power.

Anyway, I could go on, but I would highly recommend watching it if it's been a while. It's comforting to know that it is such a human thing to suffer because of endless desire. We need to stay grounded, but know you are not alone. It is difficult to return to what is true every day, but I truly believe you will be better in the long run. Keep working at getting your life back one step at a time! 

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