After a Decade on Adderall, I’m 30 Days Clean

[BK99 54]

Day 56 - I’m officially 8 weeks clean from this drug. I just exercised for an hour, but now I feel useless. I have NO energy and will probably stay in bed for the rest of the day watching TV.

I’m starting to grow tired of being tired and having no energy. I keep reading posts about people being over one year clean and still feeling like sh*#. This scares me, discourages me, and makes me feel hopeless.

Bleh

[TLNJ2 11]

BK99, 

Don't be hopeless. There is light at the end of the tunnel, I promise. I was on adderall for about 4.5 years and am now 13.5 months off of it. I still have good days and bad, but for sure the good days outweigh the bad. I remember being around your time frame and suffering severe anxiety, obsessive thoughts and paranoia and the anhedonia was awful. I thought I was going to stay in this hole forever. It was so hard to get a grasp on reality. Felt like everyone around me was living a normal life and I would never be able to. Literally made me think I was crazy. Had chest discomfort from anxiety and was CONVINCED I had heart problems, even though I saw a cardiologist and Dr. multiple times during this period and everything checked out perfect. I'd google PAWS almost every night when I felt horrible just to remind myself that it was a natural occurance and my brain needed time to rewire itself. The best therapy for me was to talk about it with people, find someone who can understand what you're going through and let it all out.

One year later I am definitely feeling much better. It comes in waves, where I will feel like I beat it, minor anxiety if any at all. Normal routines and decent energy. Then out of nowhere I will get back into a slump. The anxiety will be back and the anhedonia will kick in. I just have to learn to let it run its course and am way better equipped to handle it. It is no where near as extreme as it was the first 6 months. Take it one day at a time and I promise you, when the day comes, and it will, where you feel amazing and in great spirits, this will all be worth it. Just don't get discouraged during this up and down period. I can honestly say that the dark days are behind me and man were they dark. But it WILL get better. Keep up the exercise and the healthy eating and days when you even feel at 50%, force yourself to do the things you enjoy even if you can't feel any pleasure from them. That pleasure will eventually come back. 

There is a lot more that I could write here but the main thing is keep up the good work and know that you can do it. I know its hard to keep a positive mindset when you are feeling your worse, but the good times will be here before you know it. I read this article last night, was the BEST I've read since researching PAWS. Give it a read if you haven't already seen it while scrolling this site.

http://forum.quittingadderall.com/forums/topic/3980-guidelines-to-end-your-adderall-addiction-from-a-veteran-on-this-site/

I'll be checking in on your progress. 

-TL 

 

[SeanW 325]

Yeah I’m at 21 months. Still feel like shit. 

[BK99 54]

TLNJ2,

Thank you for the positive message. It made me feel a little bit better.

Sean,

I’m sorry the journey is still rough after almost 2 years. I fear the same.

[SeanW 325]

Yeah man I don’t mean to be discouraging. I do feel significantly better than when I first quit just was hoping for better. 

[TLNJ2 11]

17 minutes ago, SeanW said:

Yeah man I don’t mean to be discouraging. I do feel significantly better than when I first quit just was hoping for better. 

How long were you no adderall for and how high of a dose? 

[BK99 54]

Sean, I know you don’t mean to be discouraging. How long did you relapse for. Didn’t you make a post recently about this?

 

[Frank B 1,108]

On 1/14/2019 at 5:39 AM, BK99 said:

 

This time around I’ve only gained a few pounds because I’ve been working my ass off at the gym and jogging. I’m also trying to eat healthier, but food is a weakness. Sometimes I feel like it’s the only “treat” I have left.

I hope everyone has a good week. We can do this.

Give yourself a break for a little while on enjoying food coming off of addy.  But as time goes on you’ll want to work on it. Here is some of what I do now and it’s given me great results. 

Breakfast options: fruit, oatmeal, eggs, whole grain bread with cream cheese or peanut butter. 

Lunch/ Dinner: new go to meal is ground turkey with taco seasoning, rice, black beans , Greek yogurt (sour cream substitute) and salsa. I eat that probably 3-4 times a week for lunch love it. 

-grilled chicken breast I use a white balsamic vinaigrette marinade. I buy a big package at Sams club  toss them in the marinade at night then grill them have a couple nights worth of dinners.

-Fish I try to eat salmon or some other fish once a week,

-Flank steak it has minimum fat good protein and taste . I cook in soy sauce, garlic and Worcestershire sauce -buy the good stuff Lea & Perrins better for you natural ingredients vs generic. 

Sides: Most time I have steam broccoli, asparagus, sometimes sweet potatoes or rice if I haven’t done much exercise wise I’ll usually skip the carbs especially at dinner time. 

  Desert:  Halo Top ice cream or a piece of  85% cocoa bar.

Snacks: protein shake or graze on smoked almonds. I’d recommend MP combat protein 100% whey, cookies N cream awesome flavor for a real treat add some PB2 powdered peanut butter, you can find both on amazon

I also have popcorn once in awhile can buy big ass healthy bags of it pretty cheap now

bevrages : coffee cream no sugar, Bang energy drink  (has O calories but I’m still pretty sure it’s still horrible for me high of caffeine but a can last me most of the day just sip on it) , I drink a lot of flavored water so many options now days. 

Alcohol usually on Sundays I allow myself one night a week but now shooting for one night every-other week. 

 Sunday’s are my normal cheat day so really anything goes but try not to go overboard and waste all my weeks efforts. What I’ve found is meal prep is the easiest way to keep on track cook big amounts use meal containers heat up when needed. If I’m working a lot sometimes it’s hard but I can usually always find a gas station to heat up my prep meals in between my calls. I’m definitely the complete opposite of what I was on addy. Most days woke up to pop tart, sugary cereal  or bagel. Had coffee with cream and a lot of sugar, multiple Red Bull’s or Dr. peppers “not sugar free”. Lunch anything  fast food I could find ,snacks Reese’s pieces or some other sugary snack like little debbies, dinners usually frozen pizza , Mac n cheese hot dogs basically anything easy to make did not have time to make a real meal too busy doing whatever, also multiple beers or cocktail nightly for sure.

I can’t promise eating healthy will cure the addy blues but you’ll definitely feel better looking in the mirror. 

[BK99 54]

Day 57 - I feel like complete and utter crap today. I barely had any energy to shower. I told my husband this morning that “maybe I just need to be on stimulants for the rest of my life like our friend Nancy”. After I said this, I felt sick and started to reflect about the worst days of my addiction. I felt ashamed.

On days where I was running on little sleep, I definitely had stimulant induced schizophrenia. It’s not something I really like to bring up but it helps me not want to return to the drugs. I never talk about this psychological effect because it’s embarrassing. There were days when I felt a cult was after me because every person I was meeting in real life was from or lived in Ohio (I live in the Northeast). I believe it was just a crazy coincidence but it sent my brain into a frightening, dark overdrive. Any time I saw anything related to Ohio in real life, I thought people were after me. This is just one example that is depressing to think about. 

I am thankful for the people who have contributed to this thread so far. 

[BK99 54]

Frank, thanks for sharing your diet options. I will definitely be referring to it next time I go to the grocery store.

[Frank B 1,108]

4 hours ago, BK99 said:

Frank, thanks for sharing your diet options. I will definitely be referring to it next time I go to the grocery store.

No problem I read your post after that didn’t realize your a woman so probably might not want all the protein I have. But basically get some kind of meal plan and prep makes life easier also saves money. A lot of meal prep videos on you tube sure they have some geared towards woman. 

We all feel hopeless and want to give up at many points of recovery the thing you have to keep in mind going back will not solve anything you wouldn’t be on here in the first place if life was good on it. 

[SeanW 325]

20 hours ago, TLNJ2 said:

How long were you no adderall for and how high of a dose? 

For the last six months before I quit I was hitting about 150-200 mg ir a day, but I also was using benzos and alcohol and marijuana and psychedelics so that’s a big factor while my recovery might be on a longer time line than most 

[TLNJ2 11]

52 minutes ago, SeanW said:

For the last six months before I quit I was hitting about 150-200 mg ir a day, but I also was using benzos and alcohol and marijuana and psychedelics so that’s a big factor while my recovery might be on a longer time line than most 

Yeah man, you got this though. I know it seems hard sometimes but remember one thing. Through every dark night, there's a bright day after that. So no matter how hard it gets, stick your chest out, keep your head up and handle it. 

[BK99 54]

Day 60 - YaY, I made it to 2 months. I’m sick in bed with a head cold today, so meh. 

Yesterday I jogged over 2 miles straight without the boost of amphetamines. I wasn’t expecting to be able to do this yet as I was only halfway through the Couch to 5K plan. Go me.

Fitness is the only progress I’ve made in life. I’m going to try and make better choices when I go to the grocery store tomorrow.  

[BK99 54]

Day 62 - I am no longer feeling sick, but my energy level is still at zero. Blah.

One of the hardest things I’m finding is how we are treated compared to say..opiate addicts. I confided in a friend about quitting and I don’t think he understood how hard it is to go through this. He acted like it was no big deal. This is frustrating to me, but I know it’s the stigma we face.

Why do people think it’s so easy to get past an amphetamine addiction?

[sleepystupid 507]

6 minutes ago, BK99 said:

One of the hardest things I’m finding is how we are treated compared to say..opiate addicts. I confided in a friend about quitting and I don’t think he understood how hard it is to go through this. He acted like it was no big deal. This is frustrating to me, but I know it’s the stigma we face.

Why do people think it’s so easy to get past an amphetamine addiction?

i don't believe that attitude is as pervasive as you may think, but it certainly exists. it's probably because of the lack of a true physical dependency. you're not in "pain" when you quit amphetamines, so your struggle isn't "real". also, people have a stronger mental association between opiates and addiction than they do with ADD medication.

[BK99 54]

Day 65 - I’m excited to report that a few hours went by yesterday where I was not obsessing over Adderall. I don’t know about others, but when trying to quit, Adderall is constantly on my mind..so this was nice.

I cannot stop yawning, though. I’ve been soooo unbelievably exhausted these past few days and all I want to do is sleep.

[BK99 54]

Day 66 - I’ve been taking WellButrin since quitting Adderall but I’ve about had it with this drug. The insomnia is worse than Adderall!! This is the third night in a row where I’ve only gotten little cat naps throughout the night. I keep waking up after a few hours. Sleep has never been a big issue for me, so this is annoying.

I’d like to discontinue WellButrin. Have any of you come off WellButrin? Are the seizures common? I’m a little scared!

[Kimber 89]

3 hours ago, BK99 said:

Day 66 - I’ve been taking WellButrin since quitting Adderall but I’ve about had it with this drug. The insomnia is worse than Adderall!! This is the third night in a row where I’ve only gotten little cat naps throughout the night. I keep waking up after a few hours. Sleep has never been a big issue for me, so this is annoying.

I’d like to discontinue WellButrin. Have any of you come off WellButrin? Are the seizures common? I’m a little scared!

I quit 300xl and clonezepam at the same time with little to no problem....however 17months off Adderall and still wish I could take one every now and again when having zero motivation days like today....

[sleepystupid 507]

4 hours ago, BK99 said:

Day 66 - I’ve been taking WellButrin since quitting Adderall but I’ve about had it with this drug. The insomnia is worse than Adderall!! This is the third night in a row where I’ve only gotten little cat naps throughout the night. I keep waking up after a few hours. Sleep has never been a big issue for me, so this is annoying.

I’d like to discontinue WellButrin. Have any of you come off WellButrin? Are the seizures common? I’m a little scared!

how much Wellbutrin are you taking? if it's anywhere near 300mg, then it's too much (at least initially), but you're right that it can be stimulating enough to mess with your sleep.

coming off Wellbutrin isn't terrible. you could probably do it cold turkey, but i'd suggest a taper. honestly, you probably won't feel any of the withdrawal symptoms as the adderall withdrawal is masking it. the risk of seizures is generally associated with an increase in dosage rather than a decrease, so you'll be fine. 

[BK99 54]

I’m taking 300mg of WellButrin.

[BK99 54]

Day 67 - I’m having a hard time getting out of bed. I’m currently daydreaming about how nice it would be to pop an addy to get things moving today. Riding it out....

[BK99 54]

Day 68 - This morning I woke up with the thought of wanting to find another psychiatrist to get a new prescription.  

I realize that I’m still early on in this process, but days like today I feel so useless. The days go by so slowly, which is fine, but I wish I had the energy and/or interest of getting out of bed. 

It’s going to be a Netflix in bed all day kind of day. I can already tell. I hate this.

Today is the first day that I switched my WellButrin dose from 300mg to 150mg. I want to rid myself of all drugs.

[BK99 54]

Day 74 - Dear God am I self-loathing today. I miss the stimulants. I couldn’t get out of bed today. The PAWS is too much. Today has been terrible.

[DrewK15 116]

Glad to hear you are sticking with it after having thoughts of finding a new psychiatrist. Keep up the good work, better days are ahead of you!